Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Cut I’ve cut all my stomach up. Joy. As this is a backdate I don’t even remember why I did it. I did it safely. Cleaned up using sailed solution and even put a mepore pad on it. To be fair i don’t usually bother my but stomach needed it.

Theme: Backdating I was kind of looking forward to doing all this backdating now I'm just intensely bored.  I get distracted on thing's to easily. I'm watching this really weird horror movie called "treehouse." It's really good actually. Just odd.

Theme: Tattoo Got my tattoo booked for next month. I'm so excited. It's a self harm recovery tattoo. Although I've not recovered. Ha. When it's done i'll have to post pictures. It's gone on my side/ribs. Wish me luck!

Theme: Diet I'm trying to get back on my diet. It's not really working. I don't really want it enough.

Theme: Church Went to a spiritualist development group today at Lee's Circle. Not so keen on it. I don't like the way they do certain thing's and it doesn't feel safe. I don't feel like I will be advancing in the class at all. The teacher irritates me. She seems almost fraudulent. But I have to go. As there are no other development circles that I can go to. humph. At least the people that are attending there seem nice enough.

Theme: Lazy I have my lazy hat on as usual. Just dossing around and watching TV. I just cannot be arsed to do anything else.

Theme: Backdating I'm so naughty, haha.

Theme: Work I wish work didn't make me feel so low. Work shouldn't be like this. It doesn't have to be like this. Secretly I imagine running my own mental health rehab and making it staff and patient friendly and doing all these great things. Of course the imagination will amount to nothing. I will amount to nothing.

Theme: Flustered I hate how flustered I get before going to work. In sends me into a drive of panic and sweats. It makes me completely shattered before I even get there.

Theme: Ill (Still) Still ill with the sickness mum gave me, but it's passing. It's just a really uncomfortable feeling that is left in my stomach. I resent being ill. It's the bane of my existence.

Theme: Mum My mum has been ill the past few days and now I've got it. I can't explain it. All I can say is that I can't stop vomiting. I am drowning in my own vomit.

Theme: Another Sleepless Night I'm so so tired. I went to bed around 6:00pm and just stayed awake in bed watching TV until around 10:00pm. This is when Charlie text me. We had a good giggle for about an hour and when I said goodnight she said "but you've been asleep all day". No I haven't. I was really dropping off at this point falling asleep in between text's. Then she started saying she's distraught that she's not got a baby. I'm sorry but I couldn't help think "what do you want me to do about it? I can't get you pregnant. Shut up go away I'm gagging for sleep." Im always giving up my sleep to talk and help settle people. Well no. I need some fucking sleep. I'm so withdrawn that's why my emotions are running so high. My phones going on silent tonight. My mental health is getting so so worse because I'm not sleeping. Why can't people respect and understand that? They are happy for me to fall apart for t...

Theme: Backdating I've got so much backdating to do. I've just been in fairly land and really overwhelmed. It's been nice to just sit there and drool and have no one expect anything of you.

Theme: Tiredness I'm too tired to do anything. I feel so unfunctionable.

Theme: Relax Just trying to relax today. My emotions are running too high and I'm too low to do anything.

Theme: Hunting I'm still job hunting. Everything just seems to be for clever people with real qualifications. Which I don't have. Dumb people jobs should come up soon. I don't want to leave mental health. I can't. I've found something Im passionate about. I'm just loosing that spark that I used to have.

Theme: Job hunt I'm just looking for a job today. I feel so emotional. I haven't even blogged for ages, I've got so much back dating to do. I actually feel unwell.

Theme: Tierdness Every Time I come back from Sarah's I'm always shattered. I became an emotional wreck during the night and she gave me one of get sleepers. It knocked me right out. She tried to wake me up but apparently I just grunted. I slept right through till 1:30am. I would have carried on sleeping if my mum hadn't woke me up. Oops. It was a sleep well needed though to be fair.

Theme: How To Kill Yourself I went round Sarahs today. She organised a medium to come round and he was really good to be fair. He picked up on my low mood and basically said I'm going to attempt suicide this year. Then he went on to saying the best way to kill yourself. Wow. It's scary though. However, I wouldn't be surprised. He also just said I have some good mediumship skills and made me do a reading for him haha. It was fab though. Had a good time with Sarah, although she told me that when I'm in a low mood I scare her. I scare me too. I know my cause of death before I've even died and I knew I'd kill myself years back it's just waiting for me to do it.

Theme: Sarah's Off to Sarah's tomorrow. I still feel emotionally crippled but it will be a nice break with someone to talk to. She's got a medium planned and I love mediums so all is good.

Theme: Paint By Numbers I've decided to get myself some paint by number pictures. I love painting. But I'm crap at it. You can't really go wrong with paint by numbers so it might actually distract me. I did a beautiful Egypt one a while back and I loved doing it. I've ordered a really complicated one of an outdoor setting. Let's see how long it takes me before I get frustrated.

Theme: Please End This new year is getting worse. I've had nothing but upset, anxiety and stress everyday. People at work are now refusing to work with me because of my epilepsy. I feel so upset and useless. It's all my fault. I hate me so much. I'm so alone.

Theme: Disgrace For A Nurse There's this nurse who works where I work. Well, she's a fucking disgrace. She doesn't want to work with me because I'm epileptic. For christ sake, your trained on this shit. Stop being so discriminating and get your shit together. Also, watch the way you speak to me.

Theme: Job Haunt I want to go on a job haunt but I don't want to leave this place. I love all the patients so much and I'd feel so guilty for abandoning them. But it's not as if they need me. Does anyone need me?

Theme: One More night Just one more night and I have a little while off to just breathe. I need to breathe. At least I have my annual leave signed. Amsterdam here I come!

Theme: Anxiety I have so much anxiety about going into work tonight. I'm just not good enough. I can't do it. I won't be able to do it. Please someone help me.

Theme: You Witch I hope you fall and break your neck. I also hope it takes you three long agonising days to die. In this time your swimming in your own piss and shit. I hope that dogs come along and feast on your rotting flesh. You witch.

Theme: Nerves I'm waiting to hear from my manager today. It's only 1:28am and I just can't sleep. I've tried. I've even taken my anxiety medication but it's not helped. It's all circling in my mind on what's going to happen. I just want everyone at work to just let me be.

Theme: Missing detail I know that the past few days have been really hectic and full of drama. You'd expect me to write more detail, but at this moment in time. I just can't. I'm so hurt. I'm scared that blogging it will make me think about it even more, although I'm thinking about it all that much anyway. All these lies created about me. I hope the manager doesn't take it serious. The manager is in on Monday and there isn't even a certainty that she will contact me Monday. I feel so ill and alone in all of this.

Theme: Don't fuck with me I spat in a nurses tea today. I just feel so hurt by what everyones doing to me there, I had to get some level of enjoyment back. Watching her drink that, it was bloody difficult to keep a smile from my face. 

Theme: Go fuck yourself It's the bitch nurses last day. Can I get a hallelujah?! Although, she called me into the office and completely ripped into me for no reason. She's now reporting me to the manager. I feel anxious and depressed. She basically told me I'm a shit HCA and hinted that I faked a seizure (which happened yesterday).