Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Work Boring. I’m trying hard to cut down on cigarettes as work is doing a non-smoking policy on the 1st April. But the more I try to cut down, the more I end up smoking.

Theme: FFS I have one day off then I’m back to work. What the hell is this shit? I may as well just work it. But the thought of doing extra shifts just about kills me let alone actually doing them.

Theme: Compassion I’ve lost all compassion for my job. I’m officially a heartless bitch. I can’t help it. When you hear the same shit over and over again, it just get’s old. No matter what you say, do or how hard you try, it just will not have any positive effect on these people. It’s quite simply falling on deaf ears.

Theme: Work Same shit, different day.

Theme: Fuck Back to work tomorrow. I wish I could work part-time and be paid full time hours. We can all wish right? At least everything is settled at work right now so It’s not exactly hard work.

Theme: Therapy? Chances are I had therapy today. More cringeworthy shit. *Shudder*. It isn’t helping. I find the whole experience to be pointless. 

Theme: Backdate Whoops. My days have just gone. I seem to be going bed so early these day’s too. Like sevenish? I’m like an old person. Geeze.

Theme: Another Backdate Yeah I know, I’m awful at keeping on top of thing’s at the moment. But at least I’ve got round to doing them at some point!

Theme: Sunday Sunday’s are meant for sleeping and eating and not a lot of anything else. 

Theme: Five! An entire five day’s off. I’m so excited. I have no idea what I’m going to do. See Rich for sure. Clean my room, and sit in my pj’s. 

Theme:  No-Smoking The no smoking thing is winding me up the more I think about it. Smoking is the only five minute break I get from patients. *Cries*

Theme:  Cigarettes As long as I have my cigarettes at work I'll be okay....oh wait...they are bringing in a no smoking policy. Bullocks.

Theme: Hard The hardest day of work is always the first day. You just feel so drained. You pray to god no one wants to talk to you. I wonder what happened to me? I used to be desperate for people to open up to me, and now I just don't care. I wonder at what point did all of this change? Has work changed me as a person?

Theme: Happy Belated Valentines Day! I had a lovely valentines day with Rich. We decided to now become official. Awwweh, get me. *Blush*. He is truly a lovely person and I feel guilty for having my doubts. I guess it's because I'm so used to being disappointed I tent to not raise any expectations anymore. Anyway, he's getting me through all the buffy episodes. He's got me hooked. Damn it.

Theme:  Valentines I'm going round Richies tomorrow. So that means face mask, nails and an attempt at looking at least half decent. It will be like my first ever valentines day? Although valentines day has passed, but I was working. The first time I'm technically taken for valentines day, I'm working. Boo.

Theme:  Cries I hate knowing I only have two days off after a shift. What the hell am I meant to do in two days other then recover? What's the point? I may as well have just worked it. But the less I'm there, the better. Days off keep me sane.

Theme:  Snap! Repeat from yesterday. I've become so anti-social. I can't even be bothered to speak to these people anymore. I'm such a fake, two faced bitch. It's what get's me through my shifts, haha.

Theme: Work Same old shit. Can't be bothered. Just smile and wave. Think about the money.

Theme: Surgery Check-Up Went for my first surgery check up today. It was pretty boring, he just said everything is fine, I’m loosing the correct amount of weight at the correct rate. No biggie. My current weight is 120kg. However, there scales are a little bit dodgey and add on a few kilos. My scales at home which are the same as the gyms give off the same reading so I'll weigh myself tomorrow and see what the actual results are. But my clothes are getting so baggy now. I love it. Even my watch is constantly falling off my wrist.

Theme: Therapy Had another therapy session today. It was okay. I’ve been given all my diagnosis. I can’t remember if I mentioned it last time round? But so far I am riddled with:  Anxiety  Depression  Borderline Personality Disorder  Paranoid Personality Disorder  Avoidant Personality Disorder  Dependant Personality Disorder It could be worse I guess. My mum said she would go mental if I was diagnosed with bipolar. I haven't told her all my diagnosis's. Only Avoidant, Depression, Anxiety and Dependant. I think she would freak if i told her paranoid and especially Borderline. When you read up about Borderline it's generally quite scary. I know she would read up about it, so let's just keep that between me, my therapist and the entire internet for now. I think I'll be getting some books on these soon to learn more about myself. Although I've read about borderline, I've never sat down and read about the others.

Theme: Baking! I had an intense craving to do some baking today. Although I can’t actually eat anything, I decided to bake a cake that my mum requested, and some milieus cookies. I mean, they looked ok? My parent’s like them. I get a lot of satisfaction from baking. I think it’s because it quiet’s my mind down as I have to concentration a heck of a lot.

Theme: Date, Number 2! Went to see Rich again today. I went to his house, met his mum (who is lovely). Had a really good time to be fair. He’s lovely to be with, I just feel there’s a lot I don’t know about him. Like, he knows why I’m mental and the reasoning as to why I have certain diagnosis’s, but he has borderline personality disorder but, I don’t know anything negative about his life? I guess that will come in time. I’m going in town this week to get some valentines day gifts. How sad and soppy. The only year I have an actual valentines though, I’m working. FML.

Theme: First Sunday Dinner! I had my first Sunday dinner today since my operation. It was weird, but bloody wonderful. Oh how I’ve missed eating actual solids.

Theme: 6 Days Off I have six days off now. I have no idea what I am going to be doing with them. I fancy getting up to mischief. I’m tired now though as I finished worked at 8:15am so I will spend today doing nothing and having an early night.

Theme: STFU I’ve put in my complaint about the nurse. I’ve not really been given a choice as my manager asked me to do one. Not only that, the thing’s the nurse was saying was just so wrong. I was beyond disgusted. I actually got a nurse to help me write it as I didn’t know how to make it flow and I didn’t want to look bloody stupid-er.

Theme: Bitching This new nurse won’t stop bitching about people and attacking them. She was talking about the cleaner tonight saying that “she could be a contender for the undateables”. Of course I told the cleaner. I like the cleaner. She has also been bitching about this male HCA I am very close too. He’s like the granddad I never had, and I’ve actually told him. Anyway, the cleaner has reported it and the manager spoke with me this morning asking me to write a statement. Bollocks, why me?

Theme: Nightshift Boring nightshift. Nothing happened. Same old, same old. BLAH BLAH BLAH. You just go round and round in circles with some people. I've found that I've lost all empathy at work. I don't know who I am at work. I just look at some people and think, I've been through so much more and I'm on the other side (well, just about).