Nine Hundred & Thirty Nine

Theme: I just can't

My boss called me into the office today. Apparently he found out that I told a patient that Sarah was leaving. Which is true. However I've been denying it all the time. But he called me in, the night before my mum has to go for her operation. Bastard. I feel so unwell. I want out of everything. Sarah doesn't seem to be talking to me. I feel on my own and unsupported. I don't want to be here anymore. Breathing is just such a chore. The boss said to me if the patient ever asks about Sarah just say "I can't discuss it" which is what I've done. However, the patient is like, well I promised to keep everything you said a secret and using it as blackmail. Everything going on at work and with my mums operation my mind is going into hyperdrive. I want to stab the exit button repeatedly. I want a friend there. I don't even want them to say anything. Just be there. There presence will be enough. But I don't have that. I've had to fucking plaster my leg up in mepore pads because I cut myself earlier. Since December 20th I've had four self harm incidents. I was in hand over today and I was just pulling clumps of my hair out. No one noticed. I remember when I first came here and I watched someone do it and I thought fuck me that must hurt. It doesn't. It's only hair. I just want a long cuddle and to be never let go of.

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