One Thousand & Forty Six

Theme: Let down.

I'm still seeing Nathan. He's being dead sweet and knows about my depression so he gives me a lot of space. However, I feel like I'm seriously letting him down because emotionally I just can't give him what he deserves. I'm just not emotionally invested with him. I feel like I'm completely waisting his time. All I've ever wanted was a loving relationship and now I've got one, I just can't...love? It's only been the past few years where I've really struggled to love another human. I mean I love my friends dearly and would lay my life down for them, however, when it comes to romance, I just can't connect to someone romantically anymore. it's me. It's my fault, I'm doing something wrong. Why can't I love? I figured if I stay with him love will eventually grow. But it's been like two months and he still feels like a stranger to me. When I get really low like I am now, he says he get's low because I'm low, I think feel a large amount of pressure to pick myself back up. but obviously I can't do this. So I just lie to him. I'm lying to him because I care, so there is a feeling of care there at least. Maybe the feeling's I have now will intensify by a trillion when I finally get to see him. In a way I think they will. He is such a lovely and caring person. I hope I don't hurt him like I hurt everyone else.

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