Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Not much longer! On a night shift tonight. Then only three more night shifts and I'm off for six nights. It's going to be weird. What am I going to do with my time? I'm so excited, it will be like getting my life back.

Theme: Upped First day of taking 100 milligrams of Sertraline, let's see how this goes. I have confidence in it.

Theme: Babysitting I hate it when my mum babysits. She just makes it her mission to make me feel like shit. I just want to hide in my room and let the time pass.

Theme: I've had enough. I've had enough of all of this. I'm so sick of being the listener and not the listened too. I need to talk to someone but there isn't anyone. I'm alone. I should really talk to my doctor more instead of giving him the bear minimum to go on. He's upped my medication today. 100 milligrams of Sertraline and propranolol PRN. I don't even talk to Sarah anymore. I can't. Everyone's got more important stuff going on. I don't want to save myself anymore. I don't want to pull myself out of this. I wish Sarah was here for me as much as he used to be. I wish she knew.

Theme: Low Still feeling really low. Isn't much of a surprise really. I want to pick up. But at the same time, I just can't be bothered. I just want to binge and sit on my own.

Theme: Existence. I don't want to exist anymore. It's too hard. I just want everyone to move on and carry on without me. I can't do this. I'm a failure. 

Theme: Exhausted.  I feel emotionally fucked, but it's just because of how tired I am. I've been having a lot of flashback's lately. Where did I go wrong with myself?

Theme: Work Just working tonight. Everything's been fine. Fast easy night with no problems. You can't beat being at home though.

Theme: Legoland Went to legoland today with Steve. It was truly amazing. I'd love to go again. It's just so intensely detailed and beautiful there. I want to stay there forever. I spent £220 in lego. Lovely. I brought some hobbit and lord of the ring sets. Whilst I was there I also booked a trip for me and my mum to go on the coronation street tour. I'm trying to give myself thing's to look forward to. It helps. " Hello, Jackie "

Theme: Legoland Going legoland tomorrow. So excited. I feel like I've waited months to go. Well I have to be fair as wood's originally cancelled it. I'm struggling to sleep because I'm so excited. I'm such a kid. Damnit.

Theme: Lovely. Went swimming with Sarah today which was lovely. I wish I could talk to her more though. I've stopped recently because I just can't find the words anymore. It all just seem's so stupid and pathetic so I never say it. I miss having someone there for me.

Theme: Ew. I feel so grows. I'm sweating so much. I'm just so tired. I love the summer and I love a good tan, but right now, I just want to sit in my freezer and melt into mush. Oh, I've also decided to drop some shifts at work. Mentally, I'm just not well enough to go to work, so my only option is to drop some. I'm still full time, instead of doing four shifts every other week, I only do three shifts a week now. It gives me so much more living time and functioning time. It's like I can breathe again.

Theme: oh my days. Oh gosh, I just decided to go to a random date in my blogging to see what I was writing. I went to October, just before halloween. I can't believe how much I've changed, I would never dream of saying some thing's now. I'm such a twat. It put a smile on my face though. I'm such a weirdo.

Theme: New experiences Stayed round Sarah's last night. It's always fun to stay round hers and have a catch up. We got drunk as usual and ate crap. We also did something a little different. Well, she's done it before but I haven't. We smoked...something more than just tobacco. I've always wanted to try it, and who else better to try it with than my best friend? I was disappointed by the experience though. Didn't feel anything different. Well, I felt relaxed as shit can be, but it's not something I'd do on a regular basis. If I want to feel relaxed I'll just go sleep. It tasted really weird as well. Obviously it comes from a plant but the taste is very...plant like. It left me with a sharp, dry spot in my throat.

Theme: Eurgh I've had like twenty five blog's to backdate. It's such a goddamn effort. This is a huge note to self that I gotta get my arse on track. Maybe if I start using blogspot on my ipad more it might encourage me to write more thing's. I do miss writing. 

Theme: Warm It's so warm I'm struggling to function. It makes me get all flustered. Especially when I'm working because I sweat and everyone notices so it's really grows. I've took to taken ice poles into work now to try and make myself appear less like a sweltering hippo.

Theme: Hurting. I just want to stop hurting.

Theme: Pills My antidepressants clearly aren't working. Nothing's right. My emotion's aren't appropriate and I feel out of control. I'm alone.

Theme: Backdating I have so much backdating to do I can't believe I've let myself slip. I loved doing this blog. I don't want to stop doing it.

Theme: Done I feel so done with trying to support people (patients). I'm not finding it rewarding. I put everything into it but just get nothing back but hurt and anxiety. Had an anxiety attack at work. I know it's silly the reason why, a patient said something to me, it's only very small but to me it hit the spot. It's the exact thing that I wouldn't want anyone to say. She was getting pissed off at me because the nurse said she couldn't shower, now, as a HCA I have to enforce these things. What she said to me what "you don't understand - you wonder why no one talks to you." Now, from someone that's suffered with mental illness since I was twelve (possibly younger) I was fuming. I acted cool but on the radio I asked to be relieved as that was too much. I understand all to well. But no one does talk to me. I'm useless here. Everything I've wanted to do I'm crap at. I've worked so hard to get here and now I'm here, I...

Theme: Nothing Nothing new to report unfortunately. Same shit, different day.

Theme: Work Eurgh. It's been an okay night at work. I can't be arsed to blog yet I don't want to miss a night. I'm so tired I wonder what my bed is up to!

Theme: Xbox I can't wait until Saturday. I'm going to sit around in my new pj's with my gruffalo teddy bear playing on my xbox. I don't want anyone near me.

Theme: Backdating No idea what happened today. Backdating. I couldn't give a fuck either.

Theme: Work I'm at work with a nurse I dislike. She makes me feel shit about myself and she just keeps pushing me away from every conversation she's in, like she excludes me. I hate her. I hate work. I hate being here.

Theme: Pain I'm still in pain from my coil fitting. I've had no obvious side effects yet about from a few spots on my face but I got rid of them really quickly so it's not an issue. I just have permanent period pain, even though I'm not on. I'm exhausted by it.

Theme: Eh I feel really low. I'm just quiet and withdrawn I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm riddled with anxiety for so many reasons. One of them being work. An expensive piece of equipment has gone missing at work and I think they are going to have to report it to the police as theft. I cleaned out the room that this equipment was in prior to it going missing but I didn't touch it or even see it. I'm going to get the blame for this. Just like everything else. Also to top it off my favourite patient hates me. I'm no good at this job. I'm no good at anything. I'm a waste of oxygen.

Theme: Stomach Ache I still have stomach cramps from the coil fitting. I've had enough of it now and want it to end. I'm popping Tramadol like smarties. It doesn't help I'm also sweating like a bitch from my anti-depressant which isn't pretty. I'm tired. Just so damn tired.

Theme: Hurts Still hurting from yesterday and bleeding a little but at least I'm functioning. I went into town today to get my tattoo booked. I'm having "142" tattoo'd behind my ear. The number of the Chris Mccandless bus from the film and book "into the wild".

Theme: No ones touching me again I had a coil fitting today to help with my stomach cramps. I cried. That was before I screamed the place down. It was painful. I just want to sit and cry. I don't want anyone touching me or being around me. I just want to go to sleep and wake up when all this is over.

Theme: Thank fuck Another night shift survived without any shenanigans. There was one hiccup though. A patient was very aggressive towards me. However, he's like that with everyone so my fucks to give aren't available for that kind of fuckery. I can happily go to bed without batting an eyelid about it.