Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: You sexy beast! I got a whatsapp message from one of the nurses at work today with my rota in it. The nurse that messaged me, is a nurse I get on with. She believes that my punishment is just bullshit and unfair. This nurse also so happens to be the nurse that does the rota. God knows how she has managed it, but she has managed to get me off until the 18th of March. Without using any extra annual leave. I feel like a ton of weight has been taken off me. I don't need to go back to the doctors now for another sick note however I will be going back to see if there is anything else that can be done as I just feel so unwell. Even my period is lethargic and only turning up when it can be arsed.

Theme: Mark Yes, Mark, you get your own theme blog entry! Mark is a very good friend who came round my house today to visit me. As I have been so low recently it was really nice to see him and just spend some time with him. He made me smile, genuinely smile, and its not something I've done in a long time, and for that, I thank you.

Theme: Tearful I'm just so tearful all the time. I have no control over anything. I'm on my own a lot because my mum is at work. I either sleep or cry the day away. I'm grateful my friend is coming round tomorrow. Gives me something to focus on.

Theme: Snap. Same as yesterday. Just binging a lot. Crying. Sleeping. I don't now what to do with myself. I just don't understand why this is happening.

Theme: Backdating Just backdating. Chances are nothing really happened. I just sat at home in my own misery.

Theme: Repeat. I'm just repeating everything in my head. Over and over. I'm exhausting. I'm distracting myself as much as I can by watching movies or looking for other jobs. I want a way out. But there doesn't seem to be one.

Theme: Sunday's! I love Sunday's. Because I can be depressed and no one needs to know. It's such a mellow day. I don't need to get dressed, just eat and sleep. Nothing is expected of me. It's just nice.

Theme: Unwell I'm just feeling shit and sorry for myself. I want to give up.

Theme: Panic Attack So the meeting went shit. It was a waste of breath. I had a panic attack on the way home. I refused to go into work tonight so I called my mum up and told her. She told me to get a doctors appointment and go on the sick. I did exactly like. I just felt like such a mess. The doctor was a right bellend. Not my usual doctor who deals with my mental health. This doctor only want to give me a week of work and when I told him I self-harmed less then an hour before the appointment he didn't look at me, or say a word. I just though. Oh. Okay. Knob. Anyway, I feel better knowing I won't be going to work for two weeks now. I feel a lot less pressure.

Theme: Slept I slept on my night shift on and off. At one point I woke up and accused the nurse of stealing my blanket. A blanket that I never had. A nurse who is supporting me through all this is staying with me to see the manager this morning to try and get my punishment reconsidered as it's just utter crap. I'm so grateful of this nurse. I hope the meeting goes okay.

Theme: Unwell I feel so emotionally distressed. How am I even going to manage work tonight? I just feel so low. I haven't slept. I've cut. My head is in extreme overdrive. I'm having panic attacks left right and centre. I just want to give up on everything. I can't do anything right. It's all my fault.

Theme: Emergency Meeting I got a phone call from my boss today. He said that I needed to come in for an emergency meeting and that I basically had half hour to get there before he went on annual leave. What a joke. Anyway, I got there, still ill from my cold and leaking sweat all over everyone (yeah sorry about that). I sat down in the room with my boss and the psychologist was called in. The whole time I sat there as confused as fuck wondering what the hell I had done as I hadn't been in for a while as I had been unwell. Then they went on saying that I had been forming to much of a close relationship with a patient and that there was to much physical contact. Say what?!?! The kid was in tears, so I gave her a hug. Get over it. My punishment is now to do a month of days. Fab. Can't wait. Cunt's. I'm going home and going bed. None of you obviously have no ides what you are doing, and whoever reported me has an extremely sick and twisted mind.

Theme: Holiday Going up town with Steve tomorrow to get the rest of the Amsterdamn paperwork. I'm excited. I can't believe how fast this has all came around. I really need to start making a packing list and getting some clothes and thing's together.

Theme: Sex There's no easy way of saying this without sounding like a complete and utter dirty tramp of a whore but I want sex. Badly. This blog entry is just going to be down right honest so shove any judgements or immaturities aside and just hear me out. When the new year started I decided my resolutions would be to have sex and get high. None of which I have actually done. The getting high can wait till Amsterdamn, I'm not itching for it. I haven't had sex since I was fifteen years old. Nearly seven years it's been. I just feel as though I may as well be a virgin again. My youth is going to waste. I want to do some fun, and exciting. I thought long and hard about what I was actually going to do about achieving my sex resolution. I felt (and still feel) confident and independent enough with myself to try casual sex and still have that emotional distance. I did have someone who agreed to enter a no string's attached friendship with me. No relationship, just...

Theme: Valentines day Alone on valentines day again. I'm ill. However, I'm relaxed and watching American dad whilst still finding the time to go muffin' buffin. Not bad. This valentines day has been a success.

Theme: My Baby! My baby, Emile Hirsch has been charged with assault after putting a female in a chokehold. He has now checked himself into rehab. His court date is on the 16th March and can face a $5,000/5 year sentence. If he get's arrested who am I going to fan girl? Who am I going to stalk on instagram and twitter? He did it because he was extremely intoxicated so I'm glad it wasn't a conscious decision? I sound like a full on stalker now. He can put me in a chokehold any day. 

Theme: Unwell I'm still feeling really unwell. I've called in sick for work tonight. They can just do without me. I'm so tired of feeling so unwell. I'm out of energy and so tired. I'm in pain and bored of it. I feel like I have a chest infection coming on. The damn persistant coughing is what has kept me up all night. Well, that and the vomiting in between. I'm drinking so much to the point that I am peeing like I have a bladder problem. I feel as though I'm having a baby made out of all the liquid I've drank. A liquid baby. Joy.

Theme: Nice To be Back It's nice to be blogging again. I have a lot of backdating to do so I'm sitting down watching a movie whilst trying to catch up on everything. Just having a relaxing day today as I feel a bit unwell from yesterday. Nothing to server just a sore throat probably from the amount I smoked and drank.

Theme: Derby Had a wicked time today. I went to meet Kayley in Derby. We walked about for a little while trying to find a place for food and alcohol. Kayley is still fairly new to Derby so she knows just about as much as Derby as I do. Got fairly drunk. Ended up hanging around with these two other people that were out for a liquid lunch. Good time. Look forward to seeing her again.

Theme: Nipple & Ribs I got my ribcage tattoo'd today. Only a small one. It's a recovery tattoo for my self harm. I'll post pictures when I can be bothered. It was painful but not too bad. I then went and got my nipples pierced. Now that was fucking horrendous. I have never felt a pain like it. After all my tattoo's and piercing's I've had this was bloody horrific. I even ended up taking some tramadol when I got home. If they ever have to come out for what ever reason I will not even consider getting them re-pierced. I had a right sweat on. Ouch. Just ouch.

Theme: Tomorrow I'm just chilling out and getting ready for tomorrow. I'm off to see Kayley in Derby. Also getting a tattoo. I seem to be sleeping a lot better lately. I'm going to bed really early. Nothing is stressing me out at the moment so it's nice to just have these few days of freedom.

Theme: Ghost Hunting Oh.My.God. I've got one. I've actually got one. Well, getting one. It's on it's way. I'm getting a P-SB7 spirit box. It's hard to explain what it is (well it's not, I just can't be bothered) But I have been looking for one of these for months. I won it in a bid. I'm so excited. I can't even.

Theme: Yum My first proper day off where I have six days off in a row. Excite. Can't go wrong. Don't have many plans. go Derby, get tattoo and go to the spiritualist church. These day's off go so damn fast though. I wish I could be paid and do nothing haha.

Theme: Work Just working. Work is really simple and boring at the moment. There's just nothing to do. But to be fair I'd be moaning if it was busy. Every shift the staff will play monoplay in an attempt to make the shift go faster.

Theme: Easy! Easiest shift ever. Me and a nurse went over to the most quietest part of the building and just pretty much slept the shift. I got to catch up on some TV shows and that was it. That's what I've done tonight. Not bad.

Theme: Bleurgh Back at work. Just going to get through these three shift's and I have six days off. One cannot complain.

Theme: Big Brother Got back from Sarah’s so i am just chilling at home in my pj’s catching up on my weeks work of big brother. i’m in an okay mood. I had a lovely time at Sarah’s, I always do. She’s feeling a bit low at the minute so I’m just trying to be there and be a good friend.

Theme: Sarahs I’m off to Sarah’s tonight. Looking forward to it. Not seen her since Christmas eve. It was her birthday yesterday so I need to give her, her presents. I’ve got her some hand warmers to help with her arthritis and these matching ear warmers. I also got her £100 in gift vouchers to different places as I loved going shopping with her last time. 

Theme: Monoplay Night shift’s really easy. There’s no one there to take care of. So when everyone goes to bed at around 12pm staff are all left in the lounge doing nothing but to play games. Like monopoly. So my night shifts seem to be passing really easy and fast.