One Thousand Five Hundred & Twenty One

Theme: Cut. 

I’ve harmed myself again tonight. 100 cuts more or less. I haven’t looked at my stomach again since I cut so I don’t know if I’m still bleeding. I’m sore though, and my eyes burn. I don’t want to talk about what’s triggered me. What’s the point? It’s such a big trigger for me. Maybe if I was to talk about it here I’d just be triggered again. I feel so alone. Yet at the same time I just want to stay in my room. I want to stay here. Out the way from society. I don’t want to be seen nor heard. I’m so looking forward to payday. The picture on the left is the fifty-six piece knife set that I am going to get like I mentioned in my previous blog. I wish I could properly talk to the professionals about how I’m feeling. But the lies just roll of my tongue. Then I always laugh and smile so I appear functional and in some ways happy. it’s like i’ve built the bridges up so high now even I can’t get through them. I can’t do this anymore. I’m unwell. I’m going back to my doctor as soon as though to try and get my PRN changed. I’m currently on propranolol. I need something that will induce drowsiness and therefore have a calming effect. Something to just put me the fuck asleep. Even a very tiny dose of Haloperidol. Things such as Lorazepam and Diazepam would be useless and ineffective. I have issues with my thoughts not anxiety, yet I keep ending up with anxiety medication. I guess that's my fault though as I'm too scared to say I think about suicide on a daily basis.

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