Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Sewing. Had a fairly creative and busy day today. First stop I went swimming. I've only just started going back so its only just started to get easier. I still find it all such a chore though. After swimming my mum and I went off to the range to find some creative crap down at a store called 'The Range'. Originally we were hunting for sequin pictures, know the thing's with the pins? Unfortunately they didn't have any. So I ended up getting this doll kit that you had to make up, the finished thing is on the left. Took me five bloody hours! I loved every minute though, and I have never know how to sew before so I learnt a new thing today! Other than that, I've just had my hair cut and dossed around on the sofa. Looking forward to going to Birmingham on Saturday, to watch Mcbusted. To be fair, I'm generally looking forward to some time off. I would like to not hate everyone there, but it's difficult. Because everyone there is a wanker. It's go...

Theme: Countdown. Just counting down to Mcbusted now. I can't wait. I've waited for this for bloody ages. Me and Steve both have!

Theme: Common Courtesy I've finally managed to sit down and listen to 'a day to remember' new album 'common courtesy'. It's alright actually. Not has heavy as the other stuff but it's good. I don't see why people give that band so much greif. It hits the mark with me every time and there's like a song for every emotion. 

“Depression does not always mean Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye Sometimes depression means Not getting out of bed for three days Because your feet refuse to believe That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor Sometimes depression means That summoning the willpower To go downstairs and do the laundry Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week Sometimes depression means Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours Because you cannot convince your body That it is capable of movement Sometimes depression means Not being able to write for weeks Because the only words you have to offer the world Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying Sometimes depression means That every single bone in your body aches But you have to keep going through the motions Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed Sometimes depression means Ignoring eve...

Theme: Intrusive My thoughts are being a little bit more intrusive then last night. They will be really quiet like they are now and will just randomly get loud and then get quieter a minute later. I'm just still over thinking about my future. Not going to lie, I'm lonely. I'm scared. I don't want this anymore. I can't help but wonder what it's like to be in a real serious long lasting relationship. I wonder what it's like to be with someone that loves you inside and out, including your crazy little flaws. In my case, crazy crater size flaws. I hate not being able to see in the future. I need to know if all this bullshit turns out to be worth it in the end. Especially because I don't think it will be worth it. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to have kids or be in love or even experience happiness.

Theme: Thoughts Been at work, nothing great, nothing to report. Just tired now and waiting for the shift to end. My thoughts haven't been racing that much either. I mean, my thoughts are there, but there talking rather then there usual shouting. There shouting makes it hard for me to hear other people speak. I can only listen to one person at a time. Right now, there just sort of reminding me about how useless I am and how every time someone touches me I turn it to shit. It's my fault. People don't want to be around me. But people never tell me why, they just disappear. That's what gets me the most. I'll never know why half the people in my life have disappeared and I'm just left with this self-blame that's difficult to deal with. They always disappear when they get physically close to me. I feel like I'm getting to old to find someone. I wanted to be married by the time I was thirty but now my chances of that are obviously slimming as time passes b...

Theme: Work  Nothing to report, as usual. Literally same shit different day. The only interesting thing that happened was that I got to talk to an ex-prison officer. He seemed dead sweet to be fair. He was just saying that it isn't a job worth doing. In a way, I don't think I'd get to be a prison officer anyway due to my epilepsy. I'm okay with that, I can accept that. I'll just continue working with mental health straight up. I only wanted to work in the prison's for the mental health side of thing's anyway. I think I'm born to work with people. Every job I want to do, always involves helping someone. Even though, I really cant stand people.