Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Orlando Eye Gosh today has been a good day. I'm just settled down now on my hotel watching some good old fashioned Cartoon Network. Today we went on the Orlando Eye. You could see for miles it was literally breath taking. Then my mum, dad and myself went into sea life. I got to touch a starfish! It felt like a rock, but it was so cute. It was dead weird. After sea life we went into Madame tussauds where we met many wax models. Which looked bloody amazing. After spending some time there we went and played pirate crazy gold. My mum won, then my dad. Then yeah, I lost. I suck at golf. But I had a really lovely day!

Theme: We're Here! We're in Florida now. I'm already too hot but I love it. Hotel is beautiful and the pool is like a one minute walk away. The room is big and comfy. I'm just tired after that air plane flight. It went okay but my mum had a dizzy spell when we got off the plane as we were waiting in a hot room queuing for about two hours to get through security. She ended up in a wheel chair but she's okay now. We're all just tired.

Theme: Hanging Out I'm in the hotel in Manchester. My parents have gone out so I'm now hanging out of my window having a cigarette as it may be my last cigarette for two weeks. Fuck. Catching my plane to Florida tomorrow. So damn excited. Let's get this adventure on!

Theme: Work How can I work when I'm going on holiday tomorrow? So unfair!

Theme: Packing All packed up, Batteries charged, room charged, got my excitement boots on.

Theme: Backdating Backdating from a whole month ago. How can I remember what I was doing a whole month ago? Still, I have to blog. I've blogged everyday for years. Can't let that slip.

Theme: Room At least my room is clean and smelling cute. All thing's that should be hidden are hidden. I just need to sort out some batteries and more packing.

Theme: Sleep Last night was the first time I have ever slept properly in such a long time. I feel so much better for it. Whilst I'm still tiered I have a plan to completely gut my room today. Granted, I can't be bothered but it need's doing before my holiday on monday. I've got to do it sooner or later.

Theme: Personality Disorder I went to my second therapy session today. It wasn't as bad as last time. I didn't feel the temptation to punch her in her face. She think's there is a possibility that I have a personality disorder so I have been referred to the personality disorder services where I will have continued assessments. I'm actually sick of these damn assessments. I want to start treatment now. I've been on all these waiting list for what feels like a year. I could have done myself in by now. I'm not surprised they are thinking of personality disorder to be honest. I relate to my patients all too much who are all personality disorders. Let's just see how the assessments go.

Theme: Work  Back in work. But it's okay because after tonight I'm next in Saturday and Sunday. Although when I went into work I found out that they had rota'd me to work all next month too. I'm not even in the damn country. What the hell?! I am constantly having to fight for my annual leave. To fight for something that I am entitled for. I argued my point and they've put me down on annual leave. Thank god. I know that they are going to be fucked on nights because so many people don't do nights as it is and as I am only one of two people that do permanent nights, I know they are going to be riddled with agency, as we already are. Haha. Not my problem.

Theme: Family BBQ Had a BBQ with the family today. Granted it was absolutely freezing, so whilst we were all inside wrapped up with the heating on, my dad was shoved outside to cook the food. Ha.

Theme: Charlie Still not spoke to Charlie. I know she just doesn't care. She keeps ignoring all my messages or 'forgetting' to reply. I'm sick of her blatantly not caring and not being there. What's the point? I've decided to completely stop trying and not to contact her in anyway unless she messages me. Fat chance of that. I'm not fussed. In a way I feel like I've stopped the contact on my own terms. When she need's me, I won't be there. I see her as a very selfish person. She's just triggered me into self harming too many time's now. So it's clear she's not a positive person to have in my life. After getting over the mindset that she doesn't care I'm sure I'll be okay. Sure it bothered me at first but every thought or feeling I had is now fading. Like I can see her for the selfish person that she is. I don't need her.

Theme: Partial Seizure I had a partial seizure tonight or an 'absent fit'. So no work for me tonight. Just bed instead. Can't argue with that.

Theme: Nails! I have been decided for such a long time what nails to have for when I go America. I'm pretty determined to have some old school disney theme. I really wanted sleeping beauty but I've decided on little mermaid instead. I've got my pattern all sorted and I'm so excited to get them done! I'm going to have like fish tail nails. It sound's grows but trust me, I'll make it work.

Theme: Xbox Controller My Xbox controller broke! My only really good coping strategy has fucking gone. I ended up sleeping downstairs in front of the TV because I can't sleep without sound. Fuck.

Theme: Steve Happy birthday Steve, you old bastard you. Love you lots!

Theme: Sinister 2 Me and Steve went to a late night viewing of the film 'Sinister 2' tonight. It was pretty good as far as sequels go. It was actually much better then I was expecting. I had a lovely time seeing Steve again. I gave her all her presents as it's her birthday tomorrow. I told her I'll get her some other bits from America as some other bits are still on the way here.

Theme: Home Back home from Chaley's. It's good to be home and in my own bed. I can't sleep in her bed. It's too small. So I usually end up breaking into another empty room in the student apartment and just sleeping in there. Then she has the joy of coming to find me in the morning. I'm also glad I've got the break from her talking about Scott constantly. It's too much. I'm surprised I haven't just told her to shut up and walked out and came home yet.

Theme: Charley's.  I'm going to Charley's today. God help me after a night shift. Lol, it's okay. It will work. I was kind of hoping she wouldn't go on and on about Scott. Seeing as she said when she moved to Birmingham she would give it ago with me and that I was always 'the first choice.' My arse was I, and was I wrong. When we got there she took me shopping. Shopping for his birthday present. Where it was all focused on him. I wasn't impressed to be honest. It's like she spent the time with me, wishing she was with someone else. Thanks. I will never be anyone's first choice.

Theme: Busy Busy! I have a night shift tonight and them I'm off to Charley's tomorrow. I haven't even packed yet. I feel so un-organised. It's so unlike me. Gah. Just a few more hours and then I'm free of this place for a few days. Yay.

Theme: Ghost Hunting I miss ghost hunting so badly. I want to go again and soon. I've done nothing even remotely spiritual in such a long time. Boo.

Theme: Work Just working. Plodding along. As usual.

Theme: Therapy I don't really feel ready to talk about it simply because I'm just so tired. But I might as well blog and get this topic over and done with. I know it need's discussing. I went to my CBT assessment and she has decided the best thing for me is group therapy. Group therapy . What the actual fuck. I openly, and happily dislike most people. I listen to people's problems at work, why would listening to other people's problems be beneficial for me? They don't know whether or not my therapy should be held in the eating disorder unit or self harm unit. If they decide to put me in the eating disorder unit I think I'll have to decline. I am not sitting in a room full of anorexics whilst my fat ass takes up two seat's. I'll be a perfect inspiration for people to carry on starving themselves. Also, being around other eating disorders just triggers me off. It's best I just avoid people that experience those issues. Being around self harmer...

Theme: Viewers I seem to be getting a lot more blog viewers lately. It's weird, but I like it. Hello you crazy fools. This is the only internet thing that I've actively not tried to gain followers, so it's nice when people come flocking of there own accord.

Theme: Cutting No matter how much help I get I don't think I will ever stop cutting. I don't want to stop cutting. I want help to deal with my issues, but cutting is my thing. It helps. just thought I'd put that out there.

Theme: Panic Attacks I seem to be having panic attacks more often. It's draining me so much. Also, as I'm not sleeping I'm generally drained all the time. I've had enough. I want all of this to just stop.

Theme: Days Off I have a few days off now thank goodness. My patience is wearing thin, but my actual patients are draining me and annoying me. I cannot be arsed with this.

Theme: Fast Food I've been eating so much crap at work. It feels like a really difficult cycle to break out of. I need some extra support/help with my eating. I feel so fat and ugly all the time.

Theme: Day Off I have a day off today but I'm back in tomorrow. My rota has been a bit crap, it's been in one night, off, on, off. It kind of messes everything up. Gah.

Theme: Vomit A patient has vomitted on me. It's gone all down my trousers and on my shoes. I was gagging when she was being sick but when I found all the vomit had gone down me later on in the night I freaked. Thankfully the patient is close to the same size as me and where's baggy clothes so she leant me some of her pj bottoms which was holla comfy. So whilst she washed my clothes for me, I spent the rest of the night in pj's. Awesome.