Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Work shifts & Parents The hospital director of the home that I am working for phoned me up today. I don't know why but I was kind of expecting an ear full as he had no reason to call me. Instead, he gave me some shifts! A majority of them are night shifts which isn't really what I wanted but I'm going to have to suck this up until I'm permanent and get to be more day time. If I worked nights all the time I wouldn't ever see anyone, family, friends. It would drive me mad and I'd feel as though I'd be living a lonely life. Not only that, it would be a piss take on there part to expect me to just do nights. I don't mind doing them every now and again. Anyway, for the most part I'm excited. Very, very anxious though. I'll be shadowing someone. I'm actually really nervous about Aunt Irma as she's not been since I've been on the new pills (which is expected as its not my time for her to visit) but what I mean is, will the pi...

Theme: Lol What? I've literally just noticed I missed today on putting an entry in. So it's two months later so all I can say is that I'm backdating. I mean I cant remember what I was doing two months ago?!

Theme: Gym Just done the usual stint at the gym. Nothing new to say. Came home, done some knitting, and some reading. I've started using the stepper which will hopefully help me get up the stairs without making me feel so out of puff so quickly. How embarrassing.

Theme: Work Didn't go work today, the person I look after has gone to respite and I have three weeks off work with pay. Now that I have a new job it will be really sad to leave this job as I enjoy it, I'm basically being paid to go and natter to other people. I'll miss it. There's a lot of genuine people there.

Theme: Pills!  Apologies for talking about these damn pills so much, the side effects as mentioned before are horrific in girl world (side effects also written at bottom of this entry). But all dizziness has gone. In fact, I'm fine and dandy. I wouldn't even know I'm taking them! It's so strange how the same things effect people differently. When I was googling it, I couldn't find ONE good story and I was very cautious on taking it. I'm still going to take note of my weight though in case that's a side effect I'm having and just haven't noticed! Side effects: acne - breast pain - decreased libido - depression - headaches - menstrual problems - mood changes - nausea - weight gain

Theme: Day Three, Still Dizzy! It's day three on my pills and I'm still walking head first into the floor. It's not as bad though. I'm not feeling depressed. I'm actually fairly happy, its all really sunny and everything's honkey dorey. My plan for today is to just read. I've not been able to read for a while because of my dizziness so I plan to read until my eyes bleed now!

Theme: Some LOTR shit happening here! As I mentioned yesterday about my side effects of the new pills I'm taking, I'm certainly experiencing dizziness well! I was walking my dog down the park and like as there is so much greenery everything just sort of moulds into one thing and zooms in and out every now and again. Ill stop walking but its like I've not actually stopped. I also feel like I'm walking into the floor head first rather than just normally. It's kind of interesting actually. I'd rather have this side effect for life then acne or weight gain, or period pains for that matter. Note to self though, I need to monitor my weight in case I do gain whilst I'm on this pill, so, and no one reading this should dare judge me! Current weight: 123kilos.

Theme: Emile Hirsch Day!  I had the house to myself so I spent the day watching Emile Hirsch movies and knitting after I went gym. There's not really a lot to say. When its a lazy day, your not really meant to have a lot to say. But I will discuss the new pills that I'm on! The common side effects that I can have are: acne - breast pain - decreased libido - depression - headaches - menstrual problems - mood changes - nausea - weight gain The side affects after day one are: dizziness, depressed, nauseas and tired.

Theme: Eyes I went to get my eyes tested today again today. My sight has deteriorated to the point where I need glasses. Joy. I'm not fully fussed. Ill wear them when I'm reading and such.

Theme: Doctors, Part Two I went to the doctors again, as you know. It went alright actually. He prescribed me with a contraceptive pill (Desogestrel Cerazette) as you all know will also come in handy when I'm out on the raz, ha, I'm barley physically active let alone sexually. Anyway, I'm grateful a doctor has finally given me something to try. It's a step forward. It will stop my periods all together. So therefore, stop the pain. I'm terrified though, the side effects are manic. Depression, acne, weight gain, headaches. I'm swapping one pain for another. I can't afford to gain more weight. I guess for the next few days this will be like a diary on how I'm getting on. I take my first pill tonight but ill start recording everything tomorrow.

Theme: Doctors I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. I'm beyond nervous. I can't sit still and I'm jumpy as shit can be. Even more jumpy then I am in the cinema (now Steve can inform you that, that's pretty jumpy). I'm going to see what can be done about my stomach cramps. Now I'm working I can't afford to have time off. So I need to get it fixed whilst my CRB check is being done. Use the time usefully. I can't take the pain any more, the stomach cramps also hurts my legs which makes it difficult to walk. Wish me luck. I'm nervous as fuck.

Theme: Vagina Yes, the title of this entry is Vagina, because that was the main topic of discussion at work today. About hair. I won't lie, I love girly conversations. This though, was just weird. However, it did make time pass a lot faster and I got to know some people that I've not really spoke to before.

Theme: Usual shit! Usual shit today. Gym, knitting, reading, texting. I can't wait to do more with my life. To actually start getting out there helping people. Although I got a job I always wanted, there where other jobs that I wanted. Like I think maybe I'm suited better at working with dead people. Especially because I always put my foot in it when talking to people.

Theme: Repeat See below blog entry. What happened yesterday is exactly what I did today, and I'm fine with that. I'm not doing anything. I'm being lazy. I'm using the time I've got to do nothing to do, nothing. Before I start work.

Theme: Reading I've done nothing today, just sat around knitting and reading. I also plan to do the same thing tomorrow. Simple as!

Theme: Job interview, Part 2 The job interview went brilliantly. So brilliant in fact that I was offered the job. I about jumped down the poor blokes throat I couldn't wake to take it. It's exactly what I thought it wouldn't be. I was expecting learning difficulties, things like autism. It's not. It's mental, mental health. Like self harm and personality disorders. My dream job. The building is absolutely brilliant. It smells so nice and its just so warm and homely. It's not like a typical care home. I was expecting like it to smell really bad and be in a general bad condition. It's a very secure and locked down place, you have to lock every door you go through. All the staff seem really nice too, smiley. I can say this though, I just know I'm going to come home with some stories. When I start work I have to have ligature knife on me at all times in case someone tries to hang themselves, and they do try fairly often. I also have to carry an alarm a...

Theme: Interview I don't know how I feel about tomorrow's interview. Just numb I guess like I am with all my interviews. I never go in with any great expectations. Which is good really, because at least then I can't get so hurt. I don't even know what position I've applied for so this could be interesting. I just want a job. Anything will do. I guess I'm a little nervous but for the most part, I really couldn't care.

Theme: Space Centre I went to the space Centre with Shaun today. It was fucking brilliant. Ill have to add all the photos later. But we both had such an amazing time. It's how interactive it all is, so many toys to play with! I do enjoy our adventures. They are having some sort of Lego thing going on soon which looks brilliant and It also looks like they are building a new lab or something which looks huge! So I'm pretty sure we will both check them out together! I really want to go to the Black Country museum again because that place is amazing. Anyway, after we both looked round the Centre we made our way to the gift shop that was selling like space food. It was really really weird. It's like really dry but then softens fast in your mouth. You can feel it like expand in your stomach. It's nice, I'd certainly have it again, and I'd certainly go there again! So thank you so much Steve for a fucking awesome day out!

Theme: Work Work was intensely boring this week. Which is new because its not been boring for a long time but it just dragged. The usual drama happened and that's about it! I think maybe because I was tired and I woke up in an instant bad mood I just couldn't be arsed with today. Next week will be better. Like I said its rare I have a bad week at work so I'm sure it will pick up!

Theme: Job Possibility? I got an email today from this health company wanting to have an interview with me. I won't name the company for legal reasons but it looks like a mental health thing. Which with my luck probably means dementia. The one thing I really don't want to work with. I don't even remember applying for them, I've applied for so many places. What if I've applied as a cleaner or something as I know I've applied for a few cleaning jobs and I walk into the interview thinking I've applied as a HCA. I mean, it's not as if I can ask?!

Theme: Sunday's, Sunday. I shouldn't bother writing entries on a Sunday simply because of how little I do. All I've been doing really is buying books. So many books. On mainly witchcraft, like in the days of the Salem trials ect. Which should make an interesting read!

Theme: Lonely I'm all lonely again. I feel like I'm constantly pissing people off. I feel lost. The reason why I spoke about relationships a few days ago was because I was actually in one. Only for a short period of time. I never told anybody because I guess I'd be getting myself more excited when I know I shouldn't because people don't really stay with me for long. They either get bored or just find someone better. So yes, I'm sitting here, again, all single. Unhappy. I remember when I was younger, I said to a teacher I didn't want to live past twenty. Well here I am. Oh the joy. I feel so alone and paranoid and just shit. I'd like to think things would eventually get better but they haven't got better since I was 13. Maybe I'm just having a down day. I'm like a wave. One minute I'm up then I'm down.

Theme: You know you've got stalkers when... You got to the gym and even your instructors ask where your stalkers are. Especially when they say "you don't have attract some weird one's". Why me? It made me smile anyway. Especially when two instructors said it separately on the same day. The first stalker was that peadobear George who kept touching me inappropriately and trying to hold my hand when I swim. My new stalker, which at the moment, I actually don't mind. He will be named "Robert" for privacy purposes (until he does something cunty, then he will be named and shamed). Robert basically goes to the gym and only does weights. Which is a major plus for me because I go the the gym and only do cardio, so having him around, It sort of forces my arse in gear so I end up doing weight's to. He has ADHD which mean's there is never a silent moment. He's fairly nice, doesn't touch me, but call's me princess and love's to text m...

Theme: ill.  I'm still ill with aunt Irma. I'm glad I finally caught a moment to stop vomiting! I was going to go back to the gym today but as I'm till not feeling all that great I can't. It's frustrating because I haven't been there for a whole week, and I've just got this awesome game that helps with my running/walking and I just want to keep playing with it!

Theme: Star Trek premier, Part 2 It was amazing! So much better then I thought it would be! I love the humour in it. It was a good film. It did beat my expectations I won't lie. I'd certainly suggest others to go see it. Just before I went to the cinema I kept being sick so I ended up taking my water bottle in the end. At one point I rang Steve and told her I wasn't going. That's when I upped up my pills and slept for a bit. I really didn't want to miss it! And I'm glad I didn't.

Theme: Star Trek Premier I'm off to see the midnight viewing of the Star Trek premier tonight! I'm really excited! I will be seeing it with Shaun and her friend, Becca. Granted I've never seen Star Trek before or had any interest too, but I'm excited to see this one. I just hope I can feel better before the film. Aunt Irma is back. I've never been in so much pain. She is the most painful thing I've ever been through. If need be ill take my water bottle to the cinema with me. I have no shame!

Theme: Work Just work as usual. Well actually it was more fun. I had to drop the client of at hospital so me and another Carer just rode around in the car having shits and giggles. So work was actually pretty fun. Other then that, nothing else happened today.

Theme: Relationships I really really want to find someone. Someone who isn't a complete cunt. I've (apart from one person) only been in emotionally abusive relationships. None of my relationships have lasted particularly long. Do I deserve this? Sometimes I think I must have been a complete and utter cunt in my former life. Dispute all these emotionally abusive relationships I've been in, I would stick to that partner. Regardless of what they've done to me. I need to get married and have a kid by the time I'm thirty. I want my parents, especially my mum to be at my wedding. I need her there so so bad. I want her to see what I've accomplished and make her proud. It scares me that by now both my brothers at my age would have already found there forever partners. Where's mine? Do I not deserve it? I'm sick of feeling so low and depressed. I don't even care what gender they are any more. Ill fucking make do with what I get given, just as long as I g...

Theme: Recovering Just recovering from my fit. The day after is always the day I found out what happened. Apparently someone was trying to call me, when I finally answered I screamed no and hung up. Good god. It's my own fault for forgetting to take my pills. Dayum. Apart from that the family and I are just having a massive clean up of the house because my parents have just finished decorating there bedroom and its causes shit loads of dust.

Theme: Epileptic Seizure I had another seizure today. Apparently it was a really quick one. I forgot to take my pills so that's probably why. I also didn't bite my tongue as much so, I'm okay.

Theme: Its Friday, Friday! Oh this glorious sun! It's bloody lovely. I took full advantage of it and meet Steve/Shaun in town to go to Town Hall. We had a good old laugh. Whilst we were there some drunk came round shouting and swearing at the pigeons. He wondered into the Town Hall itself, a few minutes later he was guided out by a security guard haha. Then he came up to us saying what a loverly day it is and how we need justice. I love it when drunk people come up and talk to you (as long as what there saying isn't vindictive). We also took a walk down to Guildhall which was good. First time there. Dead bloody chuffed that I finally got to go. It was really aerie and we heard lots of random noises. Finally, we popped into Dominoes and walked around the whole shop. We recognised some of the toys we had as a kid so it was like walking back in time. I brought a French knitting doll which I can't wait to get started. So yeah, overall today was pretty ace!

Theme:  Shoesies! I brought some cute shoes that didn't fit and I've had to drag my ass all around town to find a shoe repairer. As I said yesterday. I wasn't prepared to pay £10 at Sainsburys. I t took me bloody ages to find a shoe person that would fox them for me. they kept coming up with reasons not to do them because its too much stitching and the shoe repairers cant be arsed, not worth the money. just as I was about to get the bus home I finally found one. Granted not the cheapest but cheaper then £10 (its costing £7.20) I can live with that. So now I'm just sitting around town waiting for an hour to tick by so I can go and get them measured. I brought myself a new ring though whilst I was waiting. I'm always buying bloody rings so its hardly a surprise! Whilst I've been sitting here starting into space I had some random we come sit next to me. He was interesting granted, but I wanted to get as far away from him as possible. He asked me out ...

Theme: Beltane!  As some (or practically none) of you will know, it is Beltane today! Beltane can mean different thing's for different people. So what does it mean to me? For me, Beltane is when the marriage between the Great Mother and her Young Consort, the god impregnates the goddess. This is probably my favourite Sabbat. It's just such a cutesy holiday. It makes me feel all smiley, and it's usually when summer is just about to kick in, which by the way it has. It really really has kicked in. I'm off out with Shaun on Friday if it still says this warm, to go to Abbey Park, which should be really fun. Other then that I haven't done anything for Beltane which is a shame. But when your altar less and space less, what can you do? Beltane Blessings Everyone!  )0(