Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Sewing. Had a fairly creative and busy day today. First stop I went swimming. I've only just started going back so its only just started to get easier. I still find it all such a chore though. After swimming my mum and I went off to the range to find some creative crap down at a store called 'The Range'. Originally we were hunting for sequin pictures, know the thing's with the pins? Unfortunately they didn't have any. So I ended up getting this doll kit that you had to make up, the finished thing is on the left. Took me five bloody hours! I loved every minute though, and I have never know how to sew before so I learnt a new thing today! Other than that, I've just had my hair cut and dossed around on the sofa. Looking forward to going to Birmingham on Saturday, to watch Mcbusted. To be fair, I'm generally looking forward to some time off. I would like to not hate everyone there, but it's difficult. Because everyone there is a wanker. It's go...

Theme: Countdown. Just counting down to Mcbusted now. I can't wait. I've waited for this for bloody ages. Me and Steve both have!

Theme: Common Courtesy I've finally managed to sit down and listen to 'a day to remember' new album 'common courtesy'. It's alright actually. Not has heavy as the other stuff but it's good. I don't see why people give that band so much greif. It hits the mark with me every time and there's like a song for every emotion. 

“Depression does not always mean Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye Sometimes depression means Not getting out of bed for three days Because your feet refuse to believe That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor Sometimes depression means That summoning the willpower To go downstairs and do the laundry Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week Sometimes depression means Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours Because you cannot convince your body That it is capable of movement Sometimes depression means Not being able to write for weeks Because the only words you have to offer the world Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying Sometimes depression means That every single bone in your body aches But you have to keep going through the motions Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed Sometimes depression means Ignoring eve...

Theme: Intrusive My thoughts are being a little bit more intrusive then last night. They will be really quiet like they are now and will just randomly get loud and then get quieter a minute later. I'm just still over thinking about my future. Not going to lie, I'm lonely. I'm scared. I don't want this anymore. I can't help but wonder what it's like to be in a real serious long lasting relationship. I wonder what it's like to be with someone that loves you inside and out, including your crazy little flaws. In my case, crazy crater size flaws. I hate not being able to see in the future. I need to know if all this bullshit turns out to be worth it in the end. Especially because I don't think it will be worth it. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to have kids or be in love or even experience happiness.

Theme: Thoughts Been at work, nothing great, nothing to report. Just tired now and waiting for the shift to end. My thoughts haven't been racing that much either. I mean, my thoughts are there, but there talking rather then there usual shouting. There shouting makes it hard for me to hear other people speak. I can only listen to one person at a time. Right now, there just sort of reminding me about how useless I am and how every time someone touches me I turn it to shit. It's my fault. People don't want to be around me. But people never tell me why, they just disappear. That's what gets me the most. I'll never know why half the people in my life have disappeared and I'm just left with this self-blame that's difficult to deal with. They always disappear when they get physically close to me. I feel like I'm getting to old to find someone. I wanted to be married by the time I was thirty but now my chances of that are obviously slimming as time passes b...

Theme: Work  Nothing to report, as usual. Literally same shit different day. The only interesting thing that happened was that I got to talk to an ex-prison officer. He seemed dead sweet to be fair. He was just saying that it isn't a job worth doing. In a way, I don't think I'd get to be a prison officer anyway due to my epilepsy. I'm okay with that, I can accept that. I'll just continue working with mental health straight up. I only wanted to work in the prison's for the mental health side of thing's anyway. I think I'm born to work with people. Every job I want to do, always involves helping someone. Even though, I really cant stand people. 

Theme: Day off Not doing a lot, its my day off so I'm pretty much just going to spend the day sleeping and messing around on my laptop. Not much longer now until I get to see Mcbusted. I'm really excited but right before I have all these events come up, my face decides to flare up with cuts and spots galore. Brilliant.

Lord, I've finally found the gif set of the scene that completely breaks me.

Theme: Oromorph I'm starting to feel pain again and work won't let me take my oromorph. In fact there not happy I've brought it into work. The nurses are bitching about it. I just know the boss is going to call me up. I generally didn't know I'm not allowed to bring it into work, as long as it's kept safe it shouldn't matter. I've put it in my locker at work. I really need it. Why are they getting fussy over that when I've been using Tramadol for months?! I'm scared, the pain is going to get so unbearable very quickly.

Theme: Work At work. Don't want to be here, but when do I ever want to be here? I can't stand anyone here. Kaylee is putting in her notice soon. She's already text the boss to tell him she's doing so. There goes any friends I've ever had here. I've been here ten months and only gained two friends, which have both left. However, these are friends for life. So at least that's something. I'm at work and I can't help but think "I hate you all."

Theme: Breakdown. I had an emergency appointment at the doctors today because I was screaming the house down due to severe period pain. This isn't anything new. My period's always make me scream the house down and every time I go doctors they never give me anything great. The strongest they have given me was Tramadol. However, they have never seen me in such agony. So my mum rushed me down the doctors where I screamed down the surgery. Unfortunately, I had to see a shitty doctor. There's always appointments going with him because he's so crap. However, he did give me oramorph. So yeah, morphine. Not bad. I am currently off my tit's on it. Perfect. It helps. The first time I took it today, it sent my whole body numb and there was no pain. I felt like if I went into the kitchen and cut off my arm, I wouldn't feel anything. However, I'm on my third dosage of it and I still need my water bottle as I'm still getting the stomach cramps and back ache. I wa...

Theme: Dermal Piercing. Ripped out my dermal piercing. I just know today is going to be shit. I woke up, feeling period pain's coming on, fell into the shower, wanting a warm and long shower I ripped my collar bone dermal completely out. I managed to pop it back in after about twenty minutes. So my shower was cold and short lived. Then I went to work's training. Where no one turned up, including the trainer. Joy. Just fucking joy.

Theme: Medals. Here's just a little thing I found on tumblr, and to be honest, it couldn't be more accurate. I struggle with some of these thing's on a daily basis, and these thing's really shouldn't be a struggle. It should just be functioning. But for people like myself, functioning just doesn't become an option. Everything can seriously seem like such a mission to the moon. Even getting a normal amount of sleep. I think the only thing's I do on there at the moment is go outside, and make the bed. My self-care could be better. I mean, I talk to someone, Sarah, but we never go in depth. I think it's because some conversations are better made face to face. Anyway, I'm blabbing, when I found this picture he was the little quote thing that came with it: "Having depression or any kind of mood disorder fucking sucks. It can make even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming and impossible. But if you’re feeling shitty and you wake up and are able to ...

Theme: Let down. I'm still seeing Nathan. He's being dead sweet and knows about my depression so he gives me a lot of space. However, I feel like I'm seriously letting him down because emotionally I just can't give him what he deserves. I'm just not emotionally invested with him. I feel like I'm completely waisting his time. All I've ever wanted was a loving relationship and now I've got one, I just can't...love? It's only been the past few years where I've really struggled to love another human. I mean I love my friends dearly and would lay my life down for them, however, when it comes to romance, I just can't connect to someone romantically anymore. it's me. It's my fault, I'm doing something wrong. Why can't I love? I figured if I stay with him love will eventually grow. But it's been like two months and he still feels like a stranger to me. When I get really low like I am now, he says he get's low because ...

Theme: Thing's That Give Me Anxiety Today, I have been very on and off. The mood changes have been stupid and difficult to keep up with. I keep ranging from 'Meh' to feeling really negative. I'm trying my best to try and help myself. By just talking everything through, even the smallest thing's. I haven't got a counsellor so I'm having to go it alone. Which in a way is a good thing, if I spoke to someone about how I really felt, there ears would be sore after chewing them off so much. Anyway, I thought i would write a list of thing's that make me anxious. Being late. The way I look. Parents. What people think of me. Friends. Colleagues. Things I said five minutes ago. Thing's I said five years ago. Dirt (Gotta wash hands). People touching me. People looking at me. Being round a ton of people. Mess. Shopping. Locking doors. Heat. Being yelled at. Wondering if people are talking about me. Hearing people eat. Hearing people drink. Babies (Even my ...

Theme: Anxiety I can't help but feel anxious about work. I'm getting so depressed about it. I can't stand anyone there. People are pointing out my low mood yet aren't doing anything to help me, it's like they are reminding me I'm on my own. They wouldn't know what support was even if it hit them in the face. I think when I eventually leave, I'll get my good notice from my boss and then I will complete go ape shit on everyone and let them know what I really think of them. I'm surprised I've not dropped a bullock on them already. I really need some anti-depressants.

Theme:  Finally! After two years I finally learnt how to find other blogspot users. I've just gone on a massive adding spree to all those who have similar interests to me or just have similar blog's. So to all those who I have added to my reading list, hello, nice to meet you all! It's going to be nice to come on here and to read other people's stories and relate. I used to be on xanga before this and I met loads of awesome people who were always supportive of each other. I found it fairly lonely on this site but hopefully it will change now I've figured out how to actually interact with people. 

Theme: Backdating Backdating on a blog entry and to be frank I have no clue what I did this day. Couldn't have been interesting.

Theme: Mood Chart I've now nearly completed four mood charts. Personally, I think there's a big change when you really start to compare them. It's shocking when I look at them. I'm going to take them to the doctor next month as soon as I get my rota i'm going to book an appointment and get Alison to come with me, unless i freak out and back out.    Chart One - Chart Two - Chart Three - Chart Four

Theme: Self letter Dear Self, Never, ever let yourself forget how ugly and worthless you are. You are a cheap, disgusting, fat bitch that deserves nothing but to feel pain. There's no point in forgetting this because there will always be someone to remind you. So if you want to do something right for once, save themselves the energy it takes and never let those thoughts go. Don't think anyone loves you, as you are not a loveable person. Let alone likeable. Why are you even alive? What the fuck is the point? You're a waist of oxygen. I hate everything about you. Your face is fat, your legs are fat, your arms are fat. Fat fat fat. You can pinch more then one in on you, you fucking slut. Make sure you stick your fingers down your throat more, you don't deserve food. Your skin is disgusting, covered in spots, your just one big blemish. Let's not even mention the scars on your big wobbly leg. Everyone thinks so little of you. Your just not worth saving. You cou...

Theme: Back to work. Back to work tonight. Yay, I can't wait. It feels like I haven't even had any time off. I think we have a new admission today as well. A young girl. I always get excited about new admissions until i get to the first night of meeting them and I get told in handover what a little shit they are.

Theme: Sarahs house. I slept round Sarah's house. It's always really nice to see her. Just to sit up and chat with her for ages. She's still having struggles with work but she seems a lot happier now then the last time I stayed round. She was very tearful when I first went to see her and it did literally break my heart. She seems like she has more fight in her now. i think maybe the time off is good for her, so she can heal herself too. She brought me this cute birdcage decoration (on the left) and I brought her, her first deck of oracle cards which are suiting her really well. Other then that, we sat up drinking and smoking and talking crap. Hopefully, when my parents go away she can stay round as it would be lovely to have her stay where she won't have to lift a finger. She's always so rushed off her feet at her own house. I wish she had a happier and more comfortable life. All the good people get the worst shit. This is why I sometimes believe that karma lacks...

Theme: Incredibly Ill Funnilly enough I'm not feeling mentally I'll for a change. Instead I'm physically dying. I've never experienced a migraine before. But I know what one is now. Light has never been such a cunt, sound has never been such a penis. My eyes are blood shot and if everyone at work doesn't shut up soon I will happily IM them all with haraperidol myself! I really wanted to go home from work but the nurse refused to let me go, twice. So she's forcing me here. I'm so happy. For fuck sake. At least I'll be staying around Sarah's tonight. I'm going to come home, sleep till about three, and then she will be picking me up. Excited. I do enjoy seeing her.

Theme: Diary I should use my gold diary more that I have in my safe. I use it for work purposes when thing's upset me at work, as I clearly don't have anyone else to talk to. It really helps. I've got ton's I need to catch up in there as well as here. When I write thing's in my gold diary, I go in depth about work in there where as here I only touch on it briefly, give only the details you need to know. I think it's because when i write in my gold diary, i'm physically writing, so it's like all the pain I'm experiencing, and physically writing it all out where as typing, it's very effortless and I can do loads within minuets and therefore, don't really feel anything when I type.

Theme: Meh. Nothing to report, same shit different day. I hate doing short blog entries, it makes my blog look so messy. That's why I babble on some times. I think I'd die if blogspot shut down. I would have to save every entry and put it into another site. I've been doing this for so long now. Two years, three months. Thats a long time to blog everyday. I love it.

Theme: Working. Sometimes I wish i was just bloody working. It's not as if i ever get a day off in this house anyway. Also, at least I'd be getting paid for it. I can't believe I'm back at work tomorrow already. I mean really. My days off feel like they haven't really existed. I'm left feeling just shattered.

Theme: Day Off! Finally a day off, it feels like it's been forever. It always feels like that. I'm just going to carry on setting up my laptop and watch disney movies. Might get the energy to go gym. Who knows? Just going to let the day play itself out.

Theme: Shiny! I brought myself a new laptop today. To be more precise, I brought myself a macbook pro. It's so pretty and fast and quiet when I type and fast, and it's just so fast. I love it. It also just feel's so damn smooth, so when I type it feels like my hands are being massaged at the same time. Jealous bitches?

Theme: Depression Just thinking about the past and little teen fads. I remember when I was a teenager, thirteen. That's around about the time that self-harming, believe it or not, became in "fashion" and everyone was doing it. The people that were carving stars and smiley faces into there arms with a compass were the people with the real problems. Yet me, the people cutting with razor blades, or well anything, we're just faking it. I wonder what these people that took part in these fads would think now if they knew how bad my self harm and depression has got. I wonder how they would feel if they knew the real world of self-harm and how destructive it actually is?

Theme: Lucid Dreaming I used to be a really good lucid dreamer*. I pretty much had full control of my dreams. I no longer have that and miss it. Instead I get nightmares instead involving the same place. Work. It's horrible. Sometimes my dream will rewind and keep replaying the most awful bit. I'm not sleeping very well at all night. I also wet the bed last night. Not proud to admit. But shit happens. The only positive outcome of that is that it meant I got to completely clean my room. I'd never say no to a good cleaning. *A dream in which the dreamer is aware that he or she is dreaming and can sometimes influence the course of the dream - Collins Dictionary.

Theme: Tired I'm just so tired. I wish I could sleep properly. I can't remember the last time I actually slept well. I need some strong sleeping pills, or chloroform, or something!

Theme: What is the chance in that? I was doing some googling of Birmingham to get ready for the McBusted concert in May, just looking out for where things out. And guess what? Our hotel where Steve and myself are staying just so happens to back onto lots of clubs and bars, it's like a center. Called the 'Arcadian'? It doesn't look as good as Leicester but I'm excited. Straight after McBusted were going clubbing!!!!

Theme: Woo! Lego land is back on! However, it's not happening till June. My childhood hopes and dreams are back!

Theme: Boo! Lego land has been cancelled. Which sucks. It was cancelled because there wasn't enough people to go on the coach. I was really looking forward to it but shit happens. I haven't been to Lego land since I was really young and have only been the once.

Theme: Nothingness Nothing to report. Just feeling a bit low. But whatever. Other then that, just back-dating.

Theme: Relax Had a pretty relaxed day. Spent most of it catching up on sleep. I've been so tiered and I'm so greatful to be done with these fucking day shifts. I can return back to normality now. I'm on with Sian tomorrow though, I feel sick and nervous. But there's nothing I can do. I just got to hope that she keeps her distance and plays nice. I don't wanna deal with her shit.