Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Relationships I'm feeling really lonely tonight. It doesn't help people are shoving there happy couppleness in my face as if I actually give a shit. It also doesn't help that the bitch-in-law came round with her wedding photo's. I actually feel scared to get into a relationship. I've only ever been in one good relationship. Everything else has just been abusive and/or ended badly. I just want someone to make me feel special. I don't know what that feel's like. I remember when I was at secondary school, I absoluteley loved this person, and this person knew it. One day this person asked me out and my heart literally expoloded with fireworks. I cried because I was so happy. I said yes. Then they laughed and said it was a joke. I never spoken to them again after that. I'm so distrusting of people, and I have reason's to be. I'm scared. I want someone to love me. I feel so ugly all the time and so unworthy.

Theme: The Jacket Of Hirsch! I have seen Emile Hirsch wear this jacket so many time's now and I'm considering buying it. It looks so comfy. I'm just not sure if the jacket itself is comfy, or if he makes it look comfy. It's around £60 from Nike. It will be the first designer bit of clothing I have owend since I was like 12. I have never liked designer. It's just to expensive and usually really chavy. Nike is a typical chav clothing. But I don't care. It's also a man's jacket. So yes, I still don't care. 

Theme: Furbie & Interview Went for like an interview today. Well it wasn't really an interview it was more of a agency registration. My real interview is on Monday at County Hall. Am I excited? Hell yeah. I literally cannot wait to get my own desk to decorate. Nor can I wait to wear office clothing, and sit in heels. I'm trying not to have so much hope though incase the interview goes all tits up. Anyway, I also brought a pink/peach furbie today. I've called him Mushu, from the film 'Mulan'. They are absolutley brilliant. I used to own one of the original one's so I couldn't help myself and had to get one. Unfortunetly he's been locked away for Christmas. I love how that their personality depends on the way you treat them (i.e if your nice, there nice back). I can't wait till Christmas to have a play with him. I think Shaun might be getting one which means my furbie will have another furbie to talk furbish too. Awesome, right?

Theme: Plot Holes Much? I dragged poor Shaun out to the cinema with me to see an Emile Hirsch film. It was beyond awful. Plot hole alert much? Incase your wondering, the film was Savages. My poor future husband wasn't in it for long. I got to see him in some tight clothing though. Shaun's first reaction when she seen Emile was: "he's so small!" and he is. He really is. But it add's to his adorableness all 1.70m (5ft 7) of him. Such a cute little hobbit/elf of a man. He's still taller them me so that's cool beans. Anyway, shopping was fun. We don't half have some good times. We've planned to go to this zombie event thing. Excite!

Theme: Pingu Only Zone! As a tumblr user, I follow a lot of different people and have a lot of different thing's appear on my dash. Today I saw a picture of Selina Gomez fully naked. I'm going to get all parental on this shit. Many, many girls look up to people like Selina and Miley Cyrus. It makes me feel kind fo sad because they have both became famous from kid shows. I wouldn't want my child to listen or watch Selina Gomez, go on the internet and happen to come across a naked photo of the whores (just like I have) and think "I want to be like that when I grow up." It's the social learning theory right here. I just wouldn't want my children looking up to people like that. My kids will be brought up with the teletubbies and pingu. All of the shit they don't have now-a-days. It's all just bullocks. I also saw a gif of her giving a handjob. That just freaked me out in all fairness. By the way, the Selina Gomez nude is actually really hot.

Theme: Teachers. When I was at college, a teacher said to me that I was incapable of thinking for myself. Before I attended that college, I went to a school where a teacher said to me "an F grade is good for someone like you". I guess I'm just having a downer moment as it's eating me up. I'm tempted to email that teacher and be like, fuck you, but in smart ass language haha. Decided I wouldn't botther. What botthers me is that, if I sent her an email, she probably wouldn't even remember and what she said has lowerd my self esteem. I was also just thinking about this girl who used me to piss off her ex. When she told me, I had ago at her and then she called me rude. But it's still something that lowered my self-esteem. It made me think "Did she even find me attractive, did she even like me in anyway what so ever?" There are many thing's that have lowered my esteem but these are just the thing's bugging me right now. "Peop

Theme: Mental Illness & Crappy Counsellors. In march I did a quick quiz online ( see the post here ) so I thought I would do the quiz again to see if anything has changed. Results are the same. If you want me to be honest, the quiz results make it all seem worse then it really is. I don't have dependency issues, I'm not schizotypal or whatever. If I am, then I'm clearly in denial.  Although I do have depression, but after having it for years it's not something that I feel that need's a great deal of discussion. I also think its getting better lately, it's not a cause for concern. Anyway, the main purpose of this entry was to discuss shitty counsellors that I've had to endure over the years, so here we go. I won't name the counsellors, I'll just give them a letter. A                                                                                                                                                                           The

Theme: All is Well All is good, my room is clean and smelling fit. I think I might start a new book today seeing as I'm not doing anything until 9pm when the drama 'Leaving' is on tonight. My mum just informed me that last night my dad went into a Chinese delivery place, ordered some food for delivery and got the delivery man to not only take the food to our place, but also give my dad a lift home. Lazy git.

Theme: It's Kingsley...Bitch! b b b

Theme: Happy Sunday! I'm having a Sunday that's full a positiveness! No negative thought what so ever. I'm excited for the next three days. Tomorrow I'm going to have a thorough clean in my room, tomorrow I will see Mark and the day after I am off to see Shaun and watch Savages. Everything's good and happy. I've also decided to treat myself to the new Iphone 5. Well, it's not really a treat it's an early Christmas present as I hate my phone with a passion.

Theme: So I should live each day like I'm Glen CoCo?

Theme: Emile Hirsch Day! I've been sat watching some Emile Hirsch films. I've noticed that he has been in some pretty awful movie's. Even the one where he danced around naked. It's not his acting, his acting is perfect. It's just the script of the film and other characters that grate me. 

Theme: Say what? Someone I liked, like me back, but today they informed me that they no longer like me because I'm not a gamer. That has to be the most ridiculas reason I have ever been given in my entire life. I mean, what? Really? At first I was upset, but now, after watching a few Kingsley video's on youtube I'm just like, what the actual fuck. Who the hell basically ditches a person because they aren't a gamer. Oh dear. Oh well, it means shit now so I'm going to have to move on. On a positive note guess what me and Shaun are going to see? SAVAGES. FUCK YES. I swear, I owe Shaun my life for suggesting that we go see Savages.  

Theme: What the fuck is this shit? I just logged onto blogspot to do some back dating and I've logged onto the new interface which I have been avoiding for so long. It's hideous in every way possible. I have no idea how to work it so I'm having to use different code's and such in order to get the old interface back, but it's such a hassle. I actually don't want to use it any more but I've used it every day since January so I've got to keep it going really.

Theme: Nothingness   Nothing's really happened today. Just sat back and watched some Emile Hirsch films and looked for some jobs. I'm still not getting anywhere job wise. Some days I actually feel like I'm going backwards. On a brighter note I just need to post one of my favourite pictures of Emile Hirsch (below) it's a movie still from the film alpha dog where he plays a gangsta.  

Theme: Holy Sardines!  Had an awesome day down Shaun's house. Thank you so much for today. Even if you did give me your stalker, it was still fun. Haha. Oh, apologise that I got so excited that I spilt popcorn everywhere. 

Theme: Bleurgh. Did nothing today, just being lazy and waiting for tomorrow. I'm off to Shauns which I'm looking forward to. I've wrapped her present and written in her card. Everything's all ready!

Theme: Charles Manson Sure, he is completely and utterly crazy, but sometimes some of the shit that he just so happens to splurt out and string together actually makes sense. Sometime's he may even make sense more then a "normal" person. One of my favourite quotes of his is "You know, everybody's looking for something to blame, because they don't want to look inside themselves" along with the one written in the gif below. It's just such a shame what happened. Sharon Tate was so pretty. 

Theme: Tattoo! Hoping to get another tattoo for my birthday (4th March). I had a lot of trouble picking my into the wild tattoo, but I've picked what I want, it's really simple and easy and it's going on my back. I'm happy to have a tattoo that's no hassle and easily picked haha.

Theme: Batman Times! Steve's coming back from holiday today. We've planned to have a batman day on Tuesday. I literally cannot wait. I have the day off work and I'm just to ridiculously excited. I have her birthday present's to give to her as it's her birthday tomorrow. I'm going in town tomorrow to add to her presents. 

Theme: Book As you all know, I'm currently reading a book called "the fault in our stars" by John Green. As it's getting closer and closer to the end the more my heart breaks for the main character. I don't want to say much as I just don't want to spoil it. But I have been thinking on how the book will end and I just don't want it to end that way. I want it to be a happy ever after. The main character deserves it! Anyway, I'm so in love with it, I got my mum to buy me the rest of his books. All of which are hardback and are signed copies. *Squee*

Theme: Fangirling I've just ordered every single movie Emile Hirsch has ever been in. Even the one's that I don't particularly like. As soon as I have them all I will post a photo of my beautiful collection. I can't wait for all of them to arrive. Wage well spent for sure. I love fangirling. It's fun.

Theme:  Today = Bland. So here's a picture of Emile Hirsch.

Theme: Dad I hate you so much. I really wish you knew how ugly and pathetic you make me feel. You make me feel like I was never wanted and was just an accident. Does it make you happy emotionally hurting me? Is that what it is? Your sick. I really want nothing to do with you. Sometime’s I even wish that I wasn't even yours. When I was younger I used to purposely put more alcohol in your glass because the faster you fell asleep the sooner you’d stop talking at me. I feel so cut off from you, and it’s all your fault. I generally want nothing more to do with you.

Theme: Ohh you Savage! A long time ago I spoke about the film 'Savages' ( click here to see the post ) and basically I've seen the film being advertised on a few cinema website's. I don't get it! Are they going to show it or not? Anyway, he's basically just finished this other film called 'Twice born' and I have a feeling it's going to be one of those films you can view anywhere, due to the popular actress, Penélope Cruz. It's all just a bit of a kick in the balls really. The film just looks so, so awful. I'm still going to have to see it though. To show my dedication. Bleurgh. On the plus though, in the film, Emile become's a daddy *awwww* which is just going to add to my newly found broodyness. Eurgh, I'll carry your children for you!

Theme: Death Of A Dead Horse I didn't get the NHS job. The job that I was really holding out for. I feel like absolute shit. I could just disappear right now. I'm going to have to get my ass up town next week and get something voluntary so it looks like I'm doing something. I feel like a dead horse, and some kids have come along and decided to poke me with a stick. Maybe I deserve all this and I'm just so fucking stupid that I can't get anywhere in life. 

Theme: Ugly Ugly Ugly! It was my brothers wedding yesterday. All went really well for them. I do wish Steve was there though. I got kind of lonely. The worst loneliness for me is when your in a crowd of people and no one would notice if you was there or not (apart from my mum of course) I wanted to kill my auntie at one point. When I left my house this morning I felt confident and rather 'pretty' for once. When we were sitting at the table, my auntie complimented everyone on how they looked. She came to me, looked at me and didn't say a word and just complimented the person next to me. Yeah, made me feel ugly for the rest of the night and I just wanted to curl up into a ball. I hope you drown in your own pool of hepatitis. 

Theme: You superhero you! It's Thursday and I still haven't heard from the NHS. I kind of figured I haven't got the job. I told Steve and she rang me and made me feel a heck of a lot better. She didn't hear from them for three week's so it's kind of put some hope back into me. Thank you Steve :)

Theme: John Green, Marry Me? I brought myself a new book. I decided before I start the new 50 shades of grey I should have a break and read some more quality writing before I carry on reading the same shit over and over. I have brought 'The fault in our stars' by John Green. It's about a young girl with lung cancer. I'm on page 56 and I've cried about four times. I absolutely adore the book. The main character also makes me laugh. Like not a little chuckle to myself laugh, like a full on outward laugh. Go read it! I'm so grateful that the author has more books. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up buying the whole collection.

Theme: Dafuq? Someone has placed about 5 long stemmed red flowers on my doorstep, really neatly placed as if placed on a grave, and perfectly cut (so kids wouldn't have done it). Further down on the front of my house you can see some scattered petals. It's just weird. It wouldn't be so weird if I knew who it was, if I knew then I'd think it would be really sweet. But otherwise, it's just damn right creepy. I'm not touching them. I kind of hope my dad doesn't touch them tomorrow so I can take a picture for you all to see xD.

Theme: Meditation & Oracle Cards Just started meditating and oracle card reading again. As it's been such a long time since I have done both, I noticed the instant positive, and uplifting feel that it gave me. I missed it a lot. 

Theme: Wedding Nothing is really happening. My brother's wedding is fast approaching. A few of my family members just can't be arsed with it. Anyway, other then that Steve/Tulio/Batman/Ernie went on holiday Saturday and I hope she has a wicked time. 

Theme: Interview The more I think about my job interview for the NHS the more I freak out. I really want this. I can't help going over and over my interview and I made three mistakes in it. Three mistakes that could cost me the job. I'm just so grateful the interviewer looked at my college grades and complimented me on them. If I don't get it, I'll go all Shawshank Redemption on there ass and apply every time a post come's available. 

Theme: Oh yeah! I forgot to mention I changed my layout. Made it myself. Hope you like it. I just really wanted a layout with a comments link in my blog's so people can comment (although they never do - but you never know!)