Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Typical Typical Sunday. I have a day off so I'm doing jack shit. You all should know me by now and know I do nothing on a Sunday.

Theme: Phoneless I gave my phone into the insurance company today. Every fucking hour is going so damn slow. I've gotten the most cheapest thing as a "replacement" for now and it's so old it even has the snake game on it. It's so difficult to text, by the time I actually get round to sending it, the person I'm texting is off doing something else. Eurgh, and it's so damn loud. 

Theme: Feels I'm feeling it again tonight. I woke up crying, well I didn't really wake up because I spent the day/night tossing and turning about the events that happened yesterday. I can't escape the feelings of pure guilt. I've been so quiet today. The staff have noticed, my parents have noticed and even my patients have noticed. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I just want to forget it. However, because its a suicide attempt I won't forget it, especially because that suicide attempt wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me. I can't forgive myself. It's my fault. I just feel so fat, ugly and worthless. I could do with a patient bed for me tonight! If I wasn't so fat I wouldn't be so disgusted with myself. I love the nurse for helping me last night but in all honesty, id rather not work with her. She has so many opinions it puts me in edge. I feel like I need some pills myself to help get rid of the anxiety of working arou

Theme: Mistakes I made a huge mistake at work today. Not a sackable mistake, not a mistake that even warrants a telling off. Just a mistake that I am majorly beating myself up for. I don't really want to talk about it. I ended up crying because of how upset I got over it and how dumb it was for me to do what I did. The nurse who spoke to me was pretty understanding and she helped an awful lot. I just feel like a dumb shit. A patient basically swallowed a bit of paper that I gave her in attempt to choke herself. I'm blaming myself and quite rightly because I shouldn't have gave it to her. I just wasn't thinking. It's a mistake I won't make again. I just want to go home. I didn't cry in front of my patients, but I must have looked pretty sad for them to ask me if I was okay. Hahaha. First choking incident was today! Now I've done that I've done just about everything, ligatures, cuts, burns and choking. I think I'm covered for the future when it

Theme: Positive Attitude! I've got work tonight. I always go in with a positive attitude, knowing it will get crushed but whatever. I know it sounds like I fucking hate my job already but I don't! I'm just a grumpy old got that gets a kick out of a good moan. I love what I'm doing, I promise!

Theme: Squeeze me?! Fucking wanker of a boss at my other job spoke to me like complete shit today. I took it upon myself that I'm leaving soon anyway and stood the fuck up for myself. He's such a nasty person he's not even congratulated me on my new job. He won't. He's a selfish, warped human being!

Theme: Gym! Just been gym. Which is nice. I feel like I've not been there in ages so every cm of my body feels like its all deteriorating. I do like that feeling though. So maybe that break of not going to the gym has some me good because if you keep up a constant routine your body gets used to what your doing so you end up having to change something or another. I'm glad I went though, before I went I flat out couldn't be arsed. I've not even played my zombie running game in a while!

Theme: Ummm, day off. Nothing beats a day off! I'm doing exactly what I did last week. Jack fucking shit. Sometimes it's just productive to be unproductive.

Theme: Wanker Last night I was talking about work and how grateful I am to have a day off and that I feel it was deserved. My dad was being a total cunt and basically said that I didn't deserve it and he was just being a bastard about it. It really worked me up because no matter what I do, I will never be as good as my brothers. I'm saving lives at least four times a night and it still isn't good enough. 12 1/2 hour shifts are long shifts. I work more then both my brothers. It upset me to the point where I got up and walked out my house. I've NEVER done that before. It just made me feel like such shit. I know my mums proud of me, but my dad. Pfft. He can go fuck himself.

Theme: Work At work, doing someone's observations. It's not been a bad night. A little blip but that didn't involve me to go and attend to so I've not done much tonight. I was just thinking about a patient that tied a ligature around there neck on my third shift. I remember it like I was five minutes ago. I won't ever forget it. Don't get me wrong, it's not effecting me. But these things, stay with you.

Theme: Palm Reading I've decided to learn a bit about palm reading. It's something that I've always wanted to learn and to be frank, there's nothing stopping me. So I've brought some books and I'm just waiting for them to come through. I'm intrigued to learn about it. I have to take in all my tarot/oracle cards and runes in work on Tuesday as I have some people that really want to see them.

Theme: Aye? Backdating so I don't remember what I was doing. Personally I think I was working. Who knows?

Theme: Epilepsy, part two. The whole epilepsy thing was driving me mad. The longer I left it the more I'd fall in love with the job and therefore, the more painful it would be if he found out and had to get rid of me. So when I told him, he was all like "yeah that's fine" before he even asked any questions! So I am happy now. He doesn't care, and I can throw myself in my job.  

Theme: Epilepsy and work  I finally got made permanent today. I got to speak to the hospital director who I first met at my interview and he just wanted to see how I was getting and and just casually dropped it in conversation if I wanted to come permanent. Good god yes. It's only my eight shift so I am pretty proud of myself. But with profound greatness there's always a downfall, my epilepsy. No one at work knows I'm epileptic and when my contract comes through to sign I'm shitting it in case it comes with a medical form that means I have to declare my epilepsy. If I declare it I could be seen as putting myself and patients at risk. But by law, I have to declare it. I'm scared. I just don't know what to do.

Theme: As fucking if! If anyone thinks I am moving today they are clearly deluded and I will ring the nurse to prepare a bed at the home as I'm bringing in another patient. In fact, if anyone even sees me out of my room today, they are hallucinating. I am grabbing this Sunday by its horns baby!

Theme: Sunday Prep I'm making preparations for Sunday. Call me sad, but I am so looking forward to doing fuck all! I feel shattered. I love that I'm feeling shattered. It means I'm going to have the best sleep in the entire world. I've not been sleeping so well lately but when I'm shattered from a shift, you can have a hurricane right outside my house and I'm oblivious. I always seem to dream more vividly which is nice too.

Theme: Work Just working. I think you'll find a lot of my entry titles will now be work related. But to be fair no one reads this anymore so I don't really care. I'm proud that I manage to keep this up even though I'm working. But the advantage is I can actually do it whilst I'm working. Nothing's really happened tonight. I'm on shift with some lovely people so it should go fairly fast!

Theme: Better days I had a better night tonight as far as work in concerned. That was one incident but it wasn't me dealing with it so its no water of my back to be fair. The patient basically just put some socks in her mouth and tissue up her nose to stop herself breathing. She's fine. I'm just tired and ready for home.

Theme: I know how to save a life I saved a life tonight. Granted I cannot go too much in detail. But I did it. A patient had a ligature, and that's about all the detail I'm going to say. I'm proud of myself, If not a little shaken up. Nothing a sugary tea couldn't sort out. I mean I wouldn't be so shaken up if right after saving a life, another patient had a massive go at me and for what? A bar of fucking chocolate. Really? But I'm going. I did observation for another patient after who was fast a sleep so I had a little sob in there. I'm so grateful the staff are so nice and friendly because the nurse came up to me and asked if I was okay and that I'd harden up to it. I'll be okay. It's been a long night but ill be alright.

Theme: I'm kinda drawn to crap movies Me and Steve we to go see the last exorcism part two today. Yeah, don't go to see it. It was so so bad. It seemed so plotless. Almost as if the writers just said "whatever ideas you have, it's cool, throw them at me, we'll make it work somehow" I just, no. We had a laugh though. "Alright, gay."

Theme: Thing's I don't get about 'Apple' As some of you may know, I have an Iphone 5. If it was a human, it would be my partner. It's my whole world. So what did I go and do? Spill nail polish all over it. My poor, poor baby. Part of the screen is damaged. My dad said if I leave it overnight standing up, it will evaporate and be okay. I went to ring apple for some support and just get some advice. They weren't there. I mean, I know many of smaller companies that are online all night if need be, either by IM or phone. Apple, being one of the biggest and most successful companies throughout well, the world fuck's off at about 5pm. See thing is, all my thing's break at night and I could of at least done with some advice in what to do. I'm taking it in the apple store tomorrow to see what they say. Hopefully it's just fucked my screen so it won't cost as much to replace, also luckily, I'm insured.

Theme: Work Work went amazingly well. I was so nervous about doing a day shift as I thought it would be completely and utterly hectic and hellish. It was nice and calm and just fun. One of the clients actually told me they really like me and I'm better then some of the other carers there. I was extra chuffed by this because one of the carers there kept smiling at me. She just. kept. Smiling. I mean I wouldn't have minded, but it was that patronising kind of smile. This is when I took one of the girls out for a cigarette and the girl was bitching about how crap of a carer the smiler is. Other then that, I'm on my third day and I feel like I'm starting to form a bond now, which is good. I had a good laugh today and it all went by so fast.

Theme: Sleep. I have slept the fuck out of myself today. It was a bloody good, well deserved sleep. That is all.

Theme: Parents My parents are coming back from there holiday tomorrow, which I won't lie, I'm looking forward to it. I miss my mum (sorry dad). Especially at night when the whole family sits together and watch crap on TV. I wouldn't say I've been lonely this week, or even bored. I got to sit around in my underwear, watch what I wanted, and drink my body weight in Lucozade which just so happens to be one of my luxuries in life. It's fucking delicious.

Theme: Pennies and manipulation It's day two, or rather night two of my job. It's only 9:36pm and so far it's going pretty well, I'm currently doing observations and well that's all I will be doing all night. Although, there is this one girl who has tried to manipulate me, twice. She keeps asking me to do things for her like take her to the toilet and go outside with her whilst she's on the phone. So basically what she is doing is pressing my boundaries to see what she can get away with. Eurgh, it's hard enough being the new n00b on the ward without bring manipulated too. I've just had to tell the nurse because she has a penny she's playing with.

Theme: Oooh, First Shift My first shift went really well tonight. Only got shouted at once by a patient for slamming a door in her face (which I didn't but I apologised anyway). It's good and so far I like working here. It's going to take me a while to get used to the patients and how to deal with them when they are self harming. A bit of training wouldn't have gone a miss but whatever. I like working here.

Theme: Nervous I'm nervous for work tomorrow. I have no idea what it's going to be like. What if I'm not good at this caring business? What if I'm so dumb and they can full on take advantage of me and I don't notice? What if I hate it? What if I find out I can't stand my own dream job. Jeeze.

Theme: Thinspiration I woke up. Decided I was to lazy to go gym and I wanted a pj day. Went downstairs and watched crappy Tv, one programme I watched was about addictions, this women was addicted to food. The more she kept eating the more I wanted to go gym, and my god was she eating. I know I'm not thin or anything, but her "walk" was actually a drive in the car. I mean, really? So I ended up going gym. I couldn't not. I've gained two pounds though, but at the end of the day that's expected. I've been sort of comforting eating about my parents going away, and starting my job. I felt a bit anxious by it all, not only that them pills I'm on. Aunt Irma is like a few days away. I wonder if I've gained weight like I usually do before Aunt Irma and loose it as soon as it finishes? Even though she won't visit any more?

Theme: Purge I went to go see the film 'Purge' with Steve today. It was actually pretty good. 3.5/5 star worthy. It was completely different to what I thought it would be. For those who have no idea what it is about, I'll sum it up. Basically, for twelve hours crime become's completely legal. All crime, murder, robbery. The whole shebang. The reason for this is because it rules out unemployment and actually ironically, lowers crime by at least half in the long run. I won't give away much more in case readers want to see it. But I had the discussion with Steve about weather or not we agree with it. I do. I actually do. There are plenty of people out there that I would happily sharpen a machete for. Not only that, it's just so much better for the world. In the film the people that kill are basically going after people that are leaches of society. If I was in the purge, I would go after people who are peadophiles, ex-convicts who keep re-offending and possibly

Theme: Oooh Friend Went out with Steve again today to go see the film purge. (mentioned in the above entry) it was a pretty good day. So so damn hot though. I applied layers and layers of factor 50 kids sun cream and somehow I'm still even more burnt than I was yesterday. We did a little bit of shopping and hung round Town Hall for a bit. Psst, Hello Dave.

Theme: House M.D I'm on episode eighteen of twenty two, on the last season of House. I brought the DVD today. What's going to happen to me when I've watched the final episode? Am I going to go into a creepy knitting frenzy as I will have nothing to do? The next few days all this blog is going to get is tons and tons of House photo's. So my readers are going to have to just shut the fuck up, and deal with it.

     

Theme: Sunday Sun! I just got my arse down park and sat under the burning sun reading a book. From what was a sun tan, is now more of a burn that requires attention. Oh well. Apart from burning and reading I've been sat watching movies all day, the typical crappy Sunday family movies. I actually like having the house to myself right now, but I couldn't do this long term. The weird part is going to bed. I'm so used to going to bed the same time as my mum and it's the act of being alone and turning everything off on my own and just actively going to bed. If that makes sense? So I am looking forward to having them back. But in the day, I enjoy having the house to myself. To watch what I want to watch without any bloody talking what so ever. Also, thing's such as cooking, cleaning and doing the washing aren't as hard as parent's make out. I have no idea why they complain so much!

Theme: Home Alone, Day 1 My parents went away on holiday today. I've not been as bored as I thought I would be, but it is only day one. I mainly sat around in the park reading, seeing as it was warm. I've got myself a sun tan. After sitting around in the sun I came home and watched some ancient movies, love thy neighbour and Wizard of oz. Today has gone fairly fast to be fair. So all is well.