Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Let Down, Again. As you know in my last blog, I was meant to go clubbing with one of my friend's. In a mad rush, I went shopping as I don't have many clothes. Let's be honest, big people's clothes are somewhat expensive. In order to go shopping, I pulled my very reluctant mum out of work an hour early for her to take me. My friend turned me down. What's worse is that my mum actually said she would do it. So when I went to tell my mum, I didn't look at her in eyes. I just felt that look of pity she was giving me. I think it's because she knows how much I have been let down in my life and she knows how much it hurts me. Don't get me wrong, some reason's are excusable about why someone can't make it, but the reason this friend gave me. She was basically just blowing me off. Bitch. I'm disappointed dispute my anxiety about the event. As soon as my Emile Hirsch film's come, I'm going to put them away and save them till Saturday, s

Theme: Woah. Yeah, nothing has happened. It's a Sunday. What do you expect?

Theme: Social Anxiety I'm going out with a friend next week to town/club. I've been waiting to go for a long time, but now I have the opportunity to go, I feel as nervous as fuck. I guess it's because I just have no idea what to wear. As I am somewhat of a big build, it's the thought of someone coming up to me in a drunken stupor and mentioning it. Or worse, if they are sober. If they are sober, then they meant what they just said. I won't be wearing a dress, that's for sure. I feel at home in jeans. Jeans and trainers. I can't wearing trainers, so that add's to anxiety. Not only that, it's being in a room full of strangers. People can be so cruel and it's just the thought of them approaching me with negative intentions. When people approach me now a days with positive intentions, I am so paranoid because of my past, that I question what their motives were for approaching me. I just automatically believe they are taking the piss.

Theme: Zombie! Yes, finally, the zombie event has been booked. Shaun & I are going so soon. Sooner then we, well I thought really. Just enough time to get a random zombie t-shirt and to practice running the fuck away. It took forever to finally get it booked, but that was a issue on their part. I'm just grateful it's all sorted now. Excited really isn't the word. :)

Theme: 100% Published My book is 100% published and is ready to be brought. In fact, some of my friend's have already done so. I haven't heard a bad word yet, but I don't know if they are just being nice. Considering it only taken me two hours. I'm impressed with myself. I won't lie, I do hope to write another. To check how my short story, and to cringe at the cringe worthy synopsis, click here.

Theme:  Publishing! - Bullocks.  It's be reviewed and passed and published! However, I've had some settings issues like with the payment. People can only pay through cheque which isn't ideal as my parent's down know I've published my own book, let alone my own erotica book. So I have to go all the way to the bank tomorrow to get certain codes so that people can pay electronically. After I get the code, and put everything in correctly, it has to go through the twelve hour review stage...again. As soon as I've sorted it all out, I'll post a link on here to it! Until then, I just hope no one buy's it. Cheque's mean shit to me.

Theme: Published! My book is finally published on Amazon. Well, kind of. I just have to wait for it to be reviewed. To make sure I'm not a terrorist or doing anything illegal. So all I have to do now, is just wait! I have to wait twelve hours for it to be properly on amazon. I can't wait!

Theme: Stressed I feel stressed about college. I'm wearing the mental stress physically. I can feel all the pressure of it on my shoulders, my arms and down my spine. It aches so much. I hope at the end of the course they ask me what I thought of the college/course as I am already preparing my "fuck you" speech.

Theme: Proud Proud Proud! I am proud that I made past my 200th blog mark. I'm keep it up well! Nothing much has happened today. I completed my erotica book and I am fully happy with it to the point that I'm just waiting to get help on publishing it now. Amazon is being a bitch and making it so difficult. So I'm getting a friend to help me with it sometime this week. I am just desperate to get it on there now!

Theme: Erotica Today has been spent writing erotica. I won't lie, it's been really fun. I might actually publish to amazon. Well I hope to anyway. For some reason I've written a heterosexual erotica rather then homosexual one. I think I decided to do it that way simply because it is so much easier. Although I'm having loads of fun, it is really hard to write. Not because of the lack of ideas, but because there are so many of them. No wonder why in movies you always see writers with some sort of alcoholic beverage next to them. I really need some more people to just have a glance of it before I decide to publish it. So if you're reading this, please please contact me! I need suggestions! I decided to write it because I was reading some already published one's online and they seemed so crap when it came to description and there wasn't really a scene setting. I figured I'd just write one to see how I would get on. As creepy as it sounds I got my inspirat

Two hundredth post!

Theme: Kidulthood Today has been very very slow. I have mainly sat on tumblr staring into Emile Hirsch space. I hate Saturdays as they are so boring. However, tonight's TV is awesome. Kidulthood followed by my usual nightly watch of Family Guy and American Dad. Oh dear, my life is so different to what society expects from me. Most teenagers would be shit-faced with their friend's by now....I'm in bed by nine.

Theme: Employed! I never mentioned that I have my job back again. I mentioned that my boss passed away. I don't want to say to much about it, however, my boss sort of resurrected. I'm so grateful. Especially after going on a big internet shop and finding out the next day you're jobless was a bit of a heart attack. I sort of looked at my somewhat expensive bag and thought "shit". Anyway, for those of you who have me on facebook and want to know more, hit me up. It's all cool beans.

Theme: Drainingness I was left alone at college today because Shaun wasn't feeling very well. (I hope you feel better soon) So I pretty much have nothing in common with anyone else in my class. So I just sat there with my earphones in texting Shaun. I am the definition of anti-social. I just find some people very draining. I don't have the energy to even try with most people anymore. I'm so mean. Haha.

Theme: College! Had a pretty decent day at college. I had a very long break so I spent that with my friend Shaun, drawing up what each other's houses would look like. I drew her a geek pad, she drew me what could only be the truth, a brothel. Hey, I'm cool with that!

Theme: Unemployed. Lost my job today. I am a carer and the person I care for is like my boss. He past away. No boss, no job. I won't lie I don't feel anything for that person. I know it's heartless, but I don't. My concern simply lies with my wage packet. Which I will no longer be getting. Maybe I do feel something, I just haven't felt it yet. I'm hoping so. Just so I can prove to myself that I'm not the heartless bitch that I say I am.

Theme: College College today was actually pretty fun. Apart from a teacher that couldn't be arsed to turn up and another one being over half an hour late. But Shaun was good company. I have only been back one day and I am already grateful for the lay in. Not a good sign. 

Theme: Healthy! Been swimming today. That's all I have really been doing. I had a day of work which was a blessing. My lovely bag came which is all packed for tomorrow. In a way I am actually really excited for college. However, I know the excitement will die down as soon as I walk onto the college's turf. 

Theme: Guilty Pleasures I've been a little bit ill today. So I slaved away at college placement and then crawled onto my sofa with my laptop when I got it. I've been watching Jersey Shore all day. I know, I know it's pretty bad. But I'd much rather watch people fuck their lives up then fuck my own up. I can indulge my noseyness. Other than feeling utterly crap, I haven't done much else. I went on a serial shop and brought myself a new bag and purse. Ooops. I'll be hiding my bank statement from my mum this month.

Theme:  Douche-bags I was just doing my daily search on Emile Hirsch and I came across a website with a couple of article's on him. All of them of which where slating him. So I though, hmm, could be biased. Who know's? However, the articles did give me reasons to believe he is a complete and utter twat. For example: swearing and giving fans the finger isn't what I'd call pleasant. Anyway, So I did some more searching, and I came across various websites from other's who have met him. Apparently the first website I went wasn't actually being biased. He's a small man. 5ft 5 to be exact. So maybe it's small man's syndrome. Having a cunty personality to make up for other departments... # heartbroken. 

Theme: Tickets Are Here! I literally feel as though I have just found the map to Eldorado. I am so damn excited I feel as though I am literally bouncing of the walls. Our ticket's are here but we are in the process of booking the event date at this moment in time. Just fuck yes. Me & Shaun at this moment in time:

Theme: Cinema You literally cannot take me anywhere now a days. I am pretty much guaranteed to start an argument with someone. I really have very little energy to go into it. Just some dumb ass children (yes children) thinking they are all hardcore because they managed to get into a fifteen. Bastard's tried to shush me, during the adverts. What the fuck. Seriously? Then another one kept rocking back and forth on there chair. It came to a very fast end when I booted him as hard as I possible could in the back. Anyway, went to see the film Cabin In The Woods. I liked it. Unfortunately Shaun (Steve) didn't.

Theme: Tickets & Mccandless. Zombie ticket's where sent out earlier this morning. Yay! Other than that, today has been spent doing nothing at all. I've met another like minded person on Chris Mccandless. Many people don't get what he did, and the person I was chatting to said it takes a certain person to get it. He's right. I've met many Mccandless "fans" and because of the like mindedness, I have never not got on with any of them.

Theme: Weight loss Rules I am kind of struggling with my rules that I had set before. So I am going to change them to suit me more. So here we go: Rules: -Only drink water (flavoured), attempt to drink two liters a day, -Eat breakfast, -Eat lunch, -Snacking doesn't exist, -Exercise daily, making sure to mix up the routine, -Lift's no longer exists, -Use scales ONCE a week, it's just a number, but only way I can get weight loss rewards. Weight lost so far: two pounds.

Theme:  Zombie Hunt, Reading, Part Two The money. We have the money. Oh my goodness. I am so excited. My heart is beating so much right now. I cannot wait. I just have to wait for my mum to come home to see if I can book it. Even if she say's no, which I'm sure she wouldn't, I'll go anyway. It's a limited edition experience that not a lot of people can honestly say that have. A lot of people dream to have. Well I dream it anyway. It might be a little weird to some people, to be frank, I couldn't give a shit. I just have to decided on what t-shirt I'm going to wear for such an occasion.

Theme: Zombie Hunt, Reading There's this place down reading that does a zombie hunt in an empty shopping mall. It cost's £119. I'm hoping, so hoping that me and Shaun (formally known as Steve) can go down there. It looks so fucking awesome. It is literally like my dream come true. Just waiting to rake the cash together and then we can book! Click here to check out pure awesomeness. I'm going to need to sharpen up on my zombie killing skills.

Theme: New Layout! In case you haven't noticed, I have a new layout. It taken me ten hours to complete. My head is whizzing with bloody html codes right now. After all that resizing of pictures, I am generally tired. The layout looks fine on Chrome and Internet Explorer. No idea what it looks like on other search engines. The only problem is, it doesn't have any comment buttons which I am in the process of fixing. I shall be doing it tomorrow, right now, I'm just so tired. So I'm going to sleep's. Night All!

Theme: I'll Do, For Now. I found my phone, which made me feel shit loads better. I've got rid of yesterday's anxiety's but I am now full of new anxiety's which I generally do not need right now. I am so tired and I feel so behind with coursework. I feel like I haven't even had an easter break. Anyway, my day has been spent just updating my Chris Mccandless tumblr. Other than that, I've done nothing. Happy easter everyone anyway ♥

Theme: To Tierd To Care So much crap has gone on today. I can't really saying anything on here as I have to keep my blog positive. To be honest, I think I'm just to tierd to care anyway. Although, I do care about my missing phone. If it care's to show up, that would be helpful. Now I'm off bed. I'm done with today and ready to turn the next page. Night readers. ♥

Theme: We Have A Rule Breaker On Our Hands! I won't lie, I've been breaking my weightloss rules. I'm either snacking or skipping meals. So I've decided to bribe myself. I've seen a gorgeous 'Into The Wild' poster, if I loose five pounds then I can buy the poster. I'm doing all this so I can go hiking in the place I want to go to. But I need to treat myself, to give myself something to aim for that won't take so long to reach. If that at all makes any sense. So five pounds and that poster is all mine ♥

"You know, everybody's looking for something to blame, because they don't want to look inside themselves" - Charles Manson ♥

Theme: Sad Act So everyone knows that I have a huge obsession with the film 'Into The Wild'. It only takes one look at my blog to see that. I got sick of all the photographs I have and decided to just post them all on tumblr. Yes, I now officially own a fan site for the film. Dayum. Those who know me will notice I have changed my name on the website. This is because I have became fairly suspicious now-a-days and I like to have that protection. As you can see, my name isn't actually written anywhere on here. Anyway, so all I have been doing is spending all day, uploading pictures to it. Click here to see the tumblr.

Theme: Nothingness. I had a little bit of a binge today so I decided I wouldn't eat lunch or breakfast to make up for it. I also went on the wii, I spent ages looking for the disk and some bloody batteries. In the end I had to take them out of my vibrator. Even then the wii said that it was still running out of power. That says a lot for my vibrator. Anyway, in a mood, I stormed across shop and decided to pick some batteries up. I was so pissed off I didn't even care I was walking in the rain.

Theme: Swimming In Semen I went swimming earlier, and I got into a huge pool with just me and another women. I thought, fuck yes. No kids. About five minutes later, a heard of children came. I mean. children can be pretty unruly when they are with there parent's, but these little shit's didn't have there parents with them. They where just doing my head in. Instead of swimming up and down like normal people, they decided to swim across. I swear to god, some of these kids appeared to have the same mental age as a banana. When I got fed up of them getting in my way, I thought fuck this, and got into the other pool. A few minutes later, they must have all got bored because then they all followed and came into the same pool as me! Anyway, there was this boy and girl there, around the age of fifteen. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for public displays of affection, only if it's in appropriate places. I mean, seeing the girls tongue down the lad's throat in the pool

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.” -Into The Wild ♥

Theme: Fuck Sake I am trying so hard to get fit. I don't really care about getting thin. It's the fitness side that I want, the getting thin is just the plus. As someone can be big, but very, very fit. But I cannot get fit if my mum keep's cooking shit. Sunday, she suggested we have a fry up. Really? A fry up? If it was up to me, I'd live on those 99p noodles & pea's. I'm cool with that. I can't do any exercise tomorrow. It's driving me mad thinking about it. The wii isn't working due to a lost memory stick and my swim wear isn't clean or dried. I won't be able to get it all done by 8am tomorrow. I actually have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow. Oh dear. My mum suggested that I join a boxing club because I do, admittedly have a huge love for boxing. Especially on the wii. I think it's because of how much it makes you sweat. You know your doing it right if your aching and your sweating. So I might actually take her up on th

Theme: Proud, Proud, Proud! I have to say I haven't exercised in ages. I managed to walk my 3.6 mile walk. I won't lie, it did work up a sweat. Getting into the pool was the worst because after the walk I was tired and had no energy for swimming, so I half heartedly done it. Oh how I wish for a waterproof ipod. I honestly thought that I'd hate the walk but love the swim, but it was the other way around. The walk was actually fairly pleasant. Anyway, yay for me and role on tomorrow. I won't be able to walk to swimming as I have work, so I'm cheating and getting a lift. In all fairness though, if my wii is still working, then I will do some boxing.

Theme: Weightloss & Mccandless Bus I really want to go to visit the 142 Mccandless bus. I obviously won't be able to do it this year due to fitness. If I can't walk the stairs of my college without thinking "fuck this I'm taking the lift" chances are, I won't be able to walk the 20 miles to get there and the 20 miles to get back. Not only that, as soon as college is finished I can work my arse off, get some money, get some decent gear and wait until I hear from Mike Kramer to set up another group in 2013. I know someone who is visiting the bus who is from the United Kingdom, so money wise, it is doable. She's told me how much she has spent and I can afford it. It's just that I'd like some money to come back to and like I said, fitness wise, it's a no go. No only that, I really don't think my parent's would let me go. If Mike set's up the group again same time next year it will be September, which mean's I will be nearly t