Ramblings Of A Rambler

“Forget me, It's that simple.” - Your Own Disaster, Taking Back Sunday

Theme: Kay. I'm feeling crappy. I haven't heard from Sarah in ages. I feel like she's ignoring me. On purpose. She doesn't want to know me any more. She's done with the workplace and therefore done with me. It's making me feel awful because I told her so much and got so far with her it's just such a reminder I have no one. I don't want to go back to being so alone again. It hurts.

Theme: Same old Working tonight. Nothing new there. It's my last night then I get a few nights off. Excite. Nothing new to report really, still low, still tearful. Eating crap all the time. I wouldn't be surprised if I've gained weight. Although I'm on the slimfast diet I'm still eating crap. But I'm enjoying every fucking mouthful.

Theme: Thank god for spare underwear! My god, there is this new shadow that started yesterday and I hates him because he's so abrupt and a bit rude. However, he sat with my on bedroom observations today and he just wouldn't stop making me laugh. He's so fucking funny and down to earth. At one point he just turned round to me and said: "are you a virgin?" out the blue. I couldn't contain myself. He's going to be such a laugh to work with.

Theme: Pay day! God my wage slip is a massive turn on. Laughing all the way to the bank I am! I'm going on a massive spending spree now. Just buying Xbox games and DVDs. I don't buy shit for myself often and receiving parcels improves my mood.

Theme: Altar Nearly finished building my altar. Damn it looks cute. I'm waiting for the final piece, the center. I'm so proud of it, when it's done I can post a photo and show it off! It's took years for me to build one because I didn't know what my parents would say, I'm glad I woke up one day and said fuck it because they haven't said a single word!

Theme: Pictures I've not been posting pictures with my blog entries lately. It breaks up the writing and makes thing's more colourful so I want to try and add more pictures. Anyway, Sian has fucked with the wrong person. I am totally done with her. To the point where I am now pulling a binding spell on her. Of course I can't do any harm to her, and to be honest, I have no intention to do so. It's a freezing spell. To basically stop her in her tracks. I believe with three fold, that sometimes it wont get involved, to give you a chance to take karma into your own hands. So I'm taking it into my own hands. Karma doesn't always effect the right people the way it should, and I'm sick of waiting for it to do so. I'm going into work Monday, and I will be getting some thing's together for it, like her signature. I won't be seeing her at all next month due to the way thing's have rota'd so I can't get her hair or anything. (I'd find a

Theme: I feel shit. Everything is in the title. I don't want this any more.

Theme: Tattoo! Went and got my hedgehog tattoo done today. He look's beautiful! I'm dead chuffed with it. Whilst I was there I also got a second lobe piercing, which the piercer gave me money off because I'm always getting piercing's there! The only reason I got my second lobe done was because I have a star in my first lobe and I wanted the moon in my second. I'm just inpatient when it come's to healing. Anyway, I love modifying my body. I love my tattoo's. Yay. I also accidentally kicked the tattooist's machine, luckily enough it wasn't touching my skin! However, whilst I was getting my tattoo done, I received a phone call from Sarah, who had her interview today at work to see if she was definitely sacked or not. She's definitely sacked. At least I have had time to get used to it. But it still doesn't make it any easier. I miss her greatly. 

Theme: Anti-Depressants I'm on my own. No one gives a fuck. Sarah doesn't want to make the effort to at least come see me for ten minutes. I was all pre-pared for her to come and visit me this Saturday. I brought all this nail stuff and her birthday present and I truly don't think I will see her again. Even if she does end up coming back to work I just, I don't think I could really open up to her as much as I did. I'm so on my own again, and it's horrible. It's been like four months now I've been trying to get a damn doctors appointment. I was meant to go with Sarah. I think I'll end up doing it on my own. I feel I'll. All the time. It's like a flu. I feel physically flu like and mentally flu like. I'm just going to get worse. I wonder how young I was when I got my first suicidal thought. The youngest I remember I must have been around twelve? But possibly younger. I wish someone loved me. Like love, loved me. I want to be happy with

Theme: Bullying I can't trust anyone at work. There all backstabbing evil cunts. Sian has obviously been bullying me. I've tried to raise it with the boss on multiple occasions as you know. Even another nurse has done the same (Sarah) tried to get someone to listen. I only just found out the outcome. Everyone has been laughing about it. Everyone knows. They don't believe what's being said. Originally only a few people knew I'm being bullied (nurses) by her and have passed it onto Sian, but Sian doesn't know it's me that's reported it. The boss has even been laughing and joking with her about it. Saying that he knows about it and thinks it's bullshit. Cheers boss. I'm suffering here.

Theme: Xbox 360 I felt low today so I decided to go and buy myself an xbox. When I'm low I have a tendency to buy myself expensive things in attempt to pick myself up. All I want to do now is quit my job, sit in my blanket and play games. The outside world can get fucked.

Theme: No hangover! Haven't had a hangover today. Just a wishy-washy feeling in my stomach. I also struggled to sleep. It was the happiest I felt in a long time. An egg and bacon sandwich from the co-op sorted the stomach out.

Theme: Southern Comfort It started with a full bottle of southern comfort and ended with half a bottle of southern comfort. Yes I'm drunk. I'm sat here eating chocolate and giggling to myself. For once I genuinely cannot give a flying fuck. What a relief that is. To not care about work or the people in it. I'm going to get a hangover tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm working tomorrow so if I do get a hangover I'll keep on drinking! Although I want to go gym. I miss it. :(

Theme: Backdating I have no memory of what I did today. It's just sort of dissolved by. All I know, and all that I need to know, is that I have a nice big bottle of Southern Comfort waiting for me at home.

Theme: Yay! My mums home from the hospital today. I'm dead happy. I just hope the recovery process from here on goes okay. I'm stressed. I'm depressed. If anything happened to her, I've got plenty of plans I can easily follow through.

Theme: Mum My mums home from the hospital a day now. She's a bit sore. And she can't do too much for herself however she's not bed bound, she's walking, talking she's fine. I just hope recovery goes alright.

Theme: Aunt Irma I'm still in serious pain. I've decided next month I'm going hospital. It's LRI's problem now. It can't be getting worse as I get older. I've spoke to various people such as nurses and my sister in law who works with body parts (?) and says that there is something really wrong. I'm probably dying or some shit. Anyway, I should be better towards the end of the night in which case I'm visiting my mum in hospital then treating my dad to a meal out. I still hate him. I just want to get drunk so it's a subtle reason to take him out. I usually hate being in his presence and I still will.

Theme: Operation My mums operation went well. I want her home. I miss her already. It's aunt Irma time and I'm in so much pain. I screamed so loud I'm surprised the neighbours didn't call an ambulance. I wanted to go to A&E but with my mum in hospital I thought I'd ride it out. The pills I'm on aren't working. Tramadol. A step below morphine. I wish the doctors would give me that instead.

Theme: I just can't My boss called me into the office today. Apparently he found out that I told a patient that Sarah was leaving. Which is true. However I've been denying it all the time. But he called me in, the night before my mum has to go for her operation. Bastard. I feel so unwell. I want out of everything. Sarah doesn't seem to be talking to me. I feel on my own and unsupported. I don't want to be here anymore. Breathing is just such a chore. The boss said to me if the patient ever asks about Sarah just say "I can't discuss it" which is what I've done. However, the patient is like, well I promised to keep everything you said a secret and using it as blackmail. Everything going on at work and with my mums operation my mind is going into hyperdrive. I want to stab the exit button repeatedly. I want a friend there. I don't even want them to say anything. Just be there. There presence will be enough. But I don't have that. I've ha

Theme: Fuck it. That is all really. Fuck it. Works shit, fuck it. People are being unprofessional wankers, fuck it. The only person I really liked there has left, fuck it. My arms dropping off? Fuck it. Just fuck it. I can't be arsed anymore. I also thought fuck it and enquired about senior position. Why? Because fuck it, that's why.

Theme: Low I'm feeling really low. I'm tired of being on my own. I want someone that I can call mine. I want to know that I'm going to get married and have kids. It's painful because deep down I know that I'm just not loveable. My body is a mess and I have a mind to match. I just want someone to kiss me and tell me they love me. I feel so unimportant. I make no impact on anyone's life. I'm no ones favourite person. I'm nothing.

Theme: Eurgh Chances are I was working. There's nothing to report. It's my mums operation soon. I'm nervous. I just want to disappear.

Theme: What? Backdating, and I'm drunk whilst doing so. So no idea what I did, nor do I care.

Theme: Day after The day after such negative feelings always feel so raw. I don't want to feel. It just hurts.

Theme: Suicidal.  I'm so depressed. I feel like I've just flipped. My friend at work is sort of not coming back again. I feel distraught. I am beyond suicidal. All I have to do is pop some extra pills of Tramadol, it would be that easy. I feel so lost, so hurt. Who will I have now? Everyone I get close to just leaves. I'm so on my own. I want out of this fucking job so badly. I'm putting serious effort into finding a new job. I have to get out otherwise I will just flat out quit. My mum has told me that it's okay for me to quit because of how unhappy I am there. Every time I report bullying that's happened to myself I either get told to shut up or the boss walks away from me. I feel so drawn. I'm done. I'm tired, sick and hopeless. I just can't be arsed any more. I've got a ton of jobs to apply for tomorrow. Some of the one's I'm hopeful for are as follows: Thornton Ward - Heather Ward - Aston Unit - Ashby Unit - - Bosworth Ward -

“Cause when you've given up. When no matter what you do it's never good enough When you never thought that it could ever get this tough, That's when you feel my kind of love. ” - My Kind Of Love, Emeli Sande

Theme: TIME OFF! I'm so bloody glad that I have the next two days off. How much you can appreciate your days off is silly. I've already built half of my massive helms deep Lego set now I'm in bed watching family guy, catching up on my blogspot entries. So fucking chuffed.

Theme: TIT! Sarah is still have a bad time at work. Especially after that tit shoved her when she walked past. The patients have been reporting to me that this nurse has been bitching about her in front of patients and it's effecting the environment for the patients. So I had to inform the boss. I wanted to inform the boss because this is all making Sarah I'll and I just want her to be happy. The boss's response? "Stay out of it, there grown women". Sarah has been assaulted. We've both been really badly bullied in this work place and he just can't be arsed to do the professional thing. I can't wait to leave.

Theme: Scared I'm just scared. I don't want to feel this way. My favourite nurse has said she's not sure if she's coming back tomorrow (meaning forever - she's bank so she can just disappear). I feel crushed. Who's going to be there for me now? I don't want to have no one again. I don't want to feel so alone in everything. I finally find someone who understands me and she's going to disappear on me just like everyone else. I'm going to have no one again. I can't get through this on my own. When she said that I just burst into tears. I shouldn't have because it's not about me. It's about her, and the way she is feeling. She is being badly picked on here. I hate working here. I just want to find a cosy rock to disappear under. And never re-surface.

“I never thought I'd die alone I laughed the loudest who'd have known? I trace the cord back to the wall No wonder it was never plugged in at all I took my time, I hurried up The choice was mine I didn't think enough I'm too depressed to go on You'll be sorry when I'm gone. ” - Adams Song, Blink 182

Theme: Patient Love! I'm slowly getting closer to a patient at work. She really likes me and always talks about me in a positive light. When patients try to talk shit she sticks up for me and it's lovely. She's really close to Alison also so she made a comment that we are like a trio. I finally feel like I'm actually there for the patients now, rather then just a skivvy.

Theme: Slimfast Eurgh. I'm sick of slimfast already. I just want to sit in my pj's and eat anything that's bad for me.

Theme: 29th January 29th January is the day my blog becomes two years old. How cute? Dead chuffed with myself. I'm glad I've kept it going, expressing how I'm feeling has really got me through some shit times.

Theme: Slimfast I'm starting the Slimfast diet. Not because it's new year. As you all know I've been dieting for a long time now, I just wanted to shake it up a bit. There's two clients at work that are doing the same thing. So I thought why not join you? It's not to bad actually. I like it. I'm hungry however that's because I'm so used to binging all the time. I'll get used to it within time. Wish Me Luck! Current Weight: 124kg