Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Holiday I literally cannot wait for my holiday. I need a damn break. I want to get away from work for a bit, it's well deserved. I don't think I've mentioned that I am going to Florida. Oh hell yeah.

Theme: Depressed I'm just thinking about yesterday. I've stayed in bed all day today and just told my mum I'm hungover. I wish I could stay in bed forever. I really thought my mum would smell weed on me when I came home today but I was kind of talking to her whilst shoving all my laundry in the washing machine before my mum could even look at it.

"Fuck you for making me feel Like I'm a second choice. I deserve better then that."

Theme: Well Fuck You Then. Went to stay in a hotel again with Charlie as she was unable to get home as she wasn't feeling very well. We stayed in a really nice hotel to be fair with a beautiful balcony. Wish I could say the company was good. I felt like shit and I made it obvious. She kept talking about this boy called 'Scott' and how much she liked him. If she wasn't talking about him, she was texting him, if she wasn't texting him she was talking about him whilst waiting for his next break to continue talking about him. It's just kind of like, when your with a friend I believe all your attention should be on that person. I only use my phone if I have to when I'm with a friend. She asked me to stay at the hotel with her as she didn't want to be alone. It felt like me, her and Scott was in the room so it wouldn't have made a difference if I was there or not. She just made it so obvious who she would rather be with and I find it just damn right ru

Theme: Home Time Charlie is dropping me off home later then she's off to visit this guy called Scott? So she has basically gone from being in bed with me, to being in bed with him. Nice and classy, nice and classy. Anyway, now I'm home I can have a shower and just mong out, read a little and stay in my pj's for the rest of the day.

Theme: Last Day My last day with Charlie today. We went into town today and just mooched around. Smoked some more, had food and came back to the hotel. Where we had sex. I don’t know how I’m feeling about it all. I don't want to think. I guess it's because it's been like over a year since I've been kissed. I wanted to feel wanted . I never get to feel wanted or needed . I never feel attractive or beautiful enough.

Theme: Lesbian Sex I met Charlie for the first time today. Let me explain. Charlie is a friend I have from Whales. We've been friend's since I was like twelve. We've been together multiple time's but she always cock's up and ruins everything. Basically, we never met so she decided to come down to Leicester today to meet me, she's staying in a hotel and I stayed with her. I will be staying with her until Tuesday. We had a really good time to be fair, just chilled and smoked some. Long story cut short, we did it. My first time. Not bad, not bad indeed.

Theme: Cut.  I’ve harmed myself again tonight. 100 cuts more or less. I haven’t looked at my stomach again since I cut so I don’t know if I’m still bleeding. I’m sore though, and my eyes burn. I don’t want to talk about what’s triggered me. What’s the point? It’s such a big trigger for me. Maybe if I was to talk about it here I’d just be triggered again. I feel so alone. Yet at the same time I just want to stay in my room. I want to stay here. Out the way from society. I don’t want to be seen nor heard. I’m so looking forward to payday. The picture on the left is the fifty-six piece knife set that I am going to get like I mentioned in my previous blog. I wish I could properly talk to the professionals about how I’m feeling. But the lies just roll of my tongue. Then I always laugh and smile so I appear functional and in some ways happy. it’s like i’ve built the bridges up so high now even I can’t get through them. I can’t do this anymore. I’m unwell. I’m going back to my doctor as so

Theme: Can I get a 'Woot Woot'? Tonight is my last shift and then I have six whole days off. I'm so excited. Hopefully tonight's shift run's smoothly. I can't be arsed to deal with anyone.

Theme: Bore Work's work. Same old shit every time I go in. Everyone is miserable as fuck, and that's staff not patients. I feel really agitated by just being here.

Theme: Working I'm working the next three nights so I can't imagine by entries being interesting to be fair. Not much longer and then I have six days off.

Theme: Therapy Therapy was boring. I met my doctor though. She seems alright. I don't have to see them all until four months time. I'm just waiting for my CBT appointment to come through. I'm bored of waiting. Moo.

Theme: Tomorrow I have therapy tomorrow. No idea what I'm going to say. I know I'll lie like I did last time. It felt like a second nature. Just smile and nod and pretend everything is all okay. The only reason I lie is because I feel so uncomfortable telling the truth there.

Theme: Last Night It's my last night tonight. Hallelujah. I just can't be arsed. I don't want to be around anyone. Communicating sounds like such a pain in the ass.

Theme: Hospital Went hospital with a patient tonight. Nothing interesting. Just vomiting blood and passed out behind the bathroom door. I found her so it was me that had to go. I hate hospital visits with a passion. There just so dull.

Theme: Plans I've seen this razor blade kit online that I'm desperate to buy. It's like a 50 piece razor set from hobby craft. Next pay day. I also plans to get like a proper first aid kit as well. As at the moment I have nothing but just mepores.

Theme: Youtube I now have a youtube channel. Oh yes, my moaning now comes in video form. I don't plan on using it a lot, not committed. Not as much as I use this. It's really weird talking in front of a camera. As soon as I press record everything I wanted to say just disappears. In a literal press of a button. Maybe I just need to get used to it. I'm not that fussy if I never use it again though to be fair. Anyway, here's the link if you want to gorm at my mug.

Theme: Boredom I'm pretty bored. I have nothing to do and I am home alone. I've either been asleep or watching Jeremy Kyle. I needed a day of doing nothing to be fair. With no one in the house. Fab.

Theme: Boring I have nothing to say. It's all been so boring and dull. So instead of me going on about well nothing, I'll give you this instead (as I find it adorable):  

Theme: Friend Visiting I have a friend that's coming down to visit me at some point this month. She's coming all the way from Wales and staying a few days in a hotel. I'll be staying with her. It will be nice to see her as she's an internet friend that's stayed with me for years so to be finally meeting after all this time I can imagine will be overwhelming in a good way.

Theme: Back Home I'm back home from Sarah's. I'm always tired after coming back from a friends so I've done nothing but sleep since I got back. I had a lovely time though. Got my nails re-done and we mooched around town for a bit. We also went to her local pub. Thanks Sarah!

Theme: Girlie Weekend I'm going to stay at Sarah's. I'm looking forward to it I have missed her. We're going up town for a bit and then I'm sleeping at hers. It's nice having something to look forward too.

Theme: Derby I'm off to Derby soon to go see my friend Kaylee who I used to work with. I love catching the train. I love seeing her, and I especially love my liquid lunches with her!

Theme: Piercings  All my damn micro-dermals are rejecting. I've had to have one stomach one and an ear one taking out. I am bio oiling the living day lights out of myself. I miss having my stomach one badly. I can't wait to get them all re-pierced. Especially my collar bone ones.

Theme: Spring Blogging Just finished going through all my blog entries and making sure they are up to scratch and that all the pictures are the right size ect. It has taken me four hours but I have now finally completed it. Some pictures needed replacing as they don't exist anymore but at least they don't have that stupid image missing sign. So I'm pretty chuffed that I got that sorted.

Theme: Stanley I want to get a Stanley knife. My self harming blades are now blunt and you can't even cut cotton with them. I wish you could get like a jagged Stanley knife. That would be perfect. But a normal one will have to do. So I'm just having to hunt round for one. I don't want to order it online. I want to buy it from a shop so I can have it straight away and it's more secretive. I don't deserve help.

Theme: Low I'm feeling really low. What's the point? No one loves me. No one likes me. I just want someone to hold me close like they really mean it. Like they have a real deeper connection with me. But I've not had that and I won't have that. Why should I? I don't deserve it. I'm fat, worthless and ugly. No one has the god damn balls to tell me the truth. I want honesty.

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." -Henry David Thoreau

Theme: Slipping I feel like I'm getting into a really low stage again. Not that I ever came out of it. It feels like such a long way before my psychology appointment I'm thinking of ringing up and asking for an earlier appointment. I'm terrified of telling the whole truth as I know how easy it can be to end up in hospital. I guess it's all a chance I've got to take. But I'm not well.

Theme: Race Of Life My mum has the race of life tomorrow. I can't be there because of work which is a real shame. I hope it goes well for her though. I wish I could be there. She's really excited to be doing it. She's doing it with her friend. All the other family members are going. Boo.

Theme: Where Is Everyone? Everyone I hold dear seems to have gone missing. It's like I've either pushed them away, they've given up on me and just don't want me in there life anymore. I feel like a toxic human being. I just want to go into a field somewhere and scream. I've had enough.

Theme: Day Off It's my day off today as I'm just dossing. I'm back at work tomorrow. It always feel's like I'm never off. The days just literally fly by. Work seem's to be going a lot easier lately, but let's not jinx it. Most of the wankers are gone so it's a smoother ride.

Theme: Low I just feel low and I don't even know why. I just want to stay in my bed all cuddled up and safe. But I'm not allowed. I have to get up and do something.