Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Low I'm just feeling low. No one wants to be around me. I'm lonely and lost. No one gives a fuck. I'm worthless. I'm using money to try and make myself happy (brought myself an ipad and frowney piercing). None of it's helping. I wanted it as a way to try and fill an endless whole, but the problem is, is that it's endless so no matter how much I spend I'll constantly think about self harm and suicide.

Theme: I take that back! I tried to self harm today. I brought home a work knife with no intention of actually doing anything but as soon as I came home and sat on my bed I just crashed. I just went completely down hill and I remembered I had it in my bag still. The knives at work appear to be bloody flimsy and easy to snap. Yeah there not. I couldn't snap it. Fuck sake.

Theme: Nothing Nothing new, just trying to get everything in here updated, I'm so pissed with myself for leaving out so many dates! That means all my titles have to be renumbered and all sorts!!!

“ I'm not afraid of dying. Pieces of me die all the time. ”

Theme: ERRR! Backdating! I've missed out three dates and like errr! I've never done that before. This is a right kick up the arse to keep this on track now!

Theme: I can't trust anyone. I can't trust anyone. Everything that's happening is not okay. I don't trust anyone at work. I'm even starting to have doubts about the nurse I get on with. I don't want these doubts because then I will truly be left with no one. Sian has told me that someone told her that the nurse has bitched about me. She doesn't know when or what was said. I'm a useless HCA. I'm a useless person. An undeserving person. I gave the nurse some money a while back and she's had two pay days since, and she hasn't paid me back. I just want real friends. Real people. I don't know where I stand with anyone. I still desperately want out of this job despite telling my boss otherwise. I wish I knew what it was like to feel close to someone. I constantly feel that people are out to get me and are trying to get me to break. It's just making everything worse. I'm scared and alone. It has crossed my mind a few times that the

Theme: You are getting on my tits. I feel so so ill. It's stress. I am ultimately stressed out. I'm sick of it. I couldn't even go into work today because I am just fully stressed. I keep getting all these aches and pains and vomiting. I'm not good. Sian is royally winding me up. I don't want to go to work. Again. I can't work with women. I just cannot do it. I am frantically trying to update my CV. I want out this badly. I'm sick of it. If work would chuck me down the other side of the building with the male client all day my year would be fucking made. I don't do female company. I'm making my CV so it is aimed at prison and mental health. I wouldn't want to do anything else. I want to go somewhere more organised. None of this pussy footing around. These are the rules and that's that, deal with it.

Theme: Threatening me! Sian has pissed me off. Being that stroppy little child that she is. Running around acting as if everyone else is incompetent. As you know I get on with a nurse there. She's my right to to my left. She's helping me see through my mental health issue's at the moment so obviously we will go down to *Rainbow way for like an hour and discuss options on what we can do. Sian threatened me saying "I'm warning you, if you go down Rainbow way with her again, I'll report it to the boss". Fuck off. *Rainbow way, made up name for privacy purposes.

Theme: Work tonight I have work tonight. I'm not excited I'm not anxious. It's work. Diddums. I'll be fine. The word 'payday' sound's sexy.

Theme: Horrendous. I woke up feeling horrendous today. I rang the doctor's to try and book myself an emergency appointment as I felt unsafe and that I needed one. They told me if it wasn't an emergency they just ask you to leave and instead of dealing with the rejection I didn't bother and I did my best to distract myself so somehow I ended up town. It was weird because everyone else was running past me and I was walking but it felt like I wasn't moving at all. Everyone was looking at me. I got what I wanted (nail equipment) and left. I brought some nail sticker's to further distract myself. It worked actually. I also have some cute nails from it. High five!

Theme: Piercing diary I've got so many piercing's now I've actually lost track of what I've got. Sometime's I'll scratch somewhere and pause for a second thinking 'shit, am I pierced there'?. So Here's a little note to self.  - Christina - Vertical Clitoral Hood - Tongue Web -  -Lobe - Smiley - Scaffold - Wrist Dermal - Ear Dermal - My smiley piercing feels really uncomfortable. I can't wait to get a smaller bar, it might help the the annoyingness of it.

Theme: Easy. I'm alright. I'm just taking it easy today. Doing what I want to do. Which is sit and drool. Sounds good.

Theme: Ipad Air I've brought my mum an Ipad air for Christmas as you all know. I'm actually thinking of getting myself one. Just then maybe I can keep up with my blogging more and just something for myself really, I'll have something to show for all the work that I've done.

Theme: Nothing new Nothing new at all really. I'm just a bit disappointed with my hair because it's already a complete mess. It's not got much of a colour to it any more or a shape. But it cost's bloody £50 to do it. Ahh!

Theme: Just chilling. It's a Sunday so I'm doing what I want to do. I want to try and read. It's been a long time and I miss it. I can't usually keep my mind focused long enough. Worth a shot, I have nothing to loose.

Theme: Oh lord. There's this beautiful girl at work. Well I've mentioned her before actually. Sian. I went out with her for a drink recently. Anyway, she's fit. Not my usual type but she's fit and she has a beautiful personality to match. She's such a bloody tease as well. She will just sit there and in the middle of a night shift she will turn round and say "I wonder what it's like to kiss you." For fuck sake Sian, give me a break! Ha.

Theme: Meh. Backdating. I've been neglecting this lately. But I've been neglecting myself also. I'm not eating. I don't see the point. If I eat, it won't be anything you have to make. Like, I won't even microwave myself something. Even pouring myself some cereal is to much effort. If it's strictly out of a packet then it has a chance, otherwise I can't be arsed.

Theme: Low Yeah I'm low. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm struggling but whatever. I'm trying really hard to get a fucking doctors appointment. I've been trying for like a week now. I have no energy. I just cannot be arsed with myself anymore. I'm lacking in normal life skills. Whatever. I just feel disappointed and lonely. All the time. I just want to know someone gives a shit. Whatever.

Theme: Creams! So, guess who got the tickets? Yes! All I have to do now is book the hotel. I'm so excited. I can't even. No, just no.

Theme: Barley coping. Like oh my god. I can't even. My favourite band when I was thirteen was busted. I went to see them live those many years ago. They are getting together with Mcfly to do a tour called "McBusted". Guess who's getting tickets to go? GUESS. Oh my god. Oh my god. I just. Oh my god.

Theme: Mate, you need to sort you shit out. The nurse that I'm very close to at work has some sort of hoarding problem going on, and I have some sort of organisation thing going on. Together, we're going to sit down Tuesday night and get her shit beyond organised. I've just brought her a external hard drive because she carries around with her three USB sticks. Not even full. I'm getting that girl more than just sorted. She has so many anxieties because of how unorganised she is. She just doesn't have anyone to help her get her arse in gear. Right! I've got her some different coloured folders with different coloured page separates, I'm bring some marker pens and labels. I'm excited. How sad.

Theme: Snap! Same as yesterday. Nothing more to say. It's all cool beans yo.

Theme: Calm! It's all calm at work. Nothing to report. I'm still struggling with emotions but I'm doing my best to suck the bugger up. Keep calm and shut up. I'm not looking forward to the taxi ride in the morning. I usually tip them when they don't say anything because I prefer it. How bad.

Theme: Tierd I'm just tired. I'd rather be in my bed right now, but wouldn't most people? I've got to many feels running around me. I'm grateful I've got a few days off soon. It will be a well deserved break. Ooh :)

Theme: Nurse Love The nurse sent me over to the quiet part of the building at work yesterday which is where I like going and she knows I like going there. Not only that, it's highly convenient for when we have a chinwag. When she came over at her normal time for her usual chinwag she didn't even look at me before she said "talk to me, what's up" this nurse knows an awful lot about me, as I do her. She knows I suffer with depression. I was just crying. For no reason. I weren't happy, I wasn't sad. I was just, crying. We spoke a little bit and she's really made me think. When my mum goes in hospital for her operation, or whenever I can, I'm going to make that attempt again where I see the doctor and try to get something sorted. If a mental health nurse is telling me to go to my gp, chances are, I need to see my gp. I'm scared though. I just want to fast forward time to a point where all this is sorted and I don't have to go through the bu

Theme: Hello IT, Have you tried turning it off and on again? The nurse brought in her son's laptop today because it was "broken". I had agreed to fix it prior to today. She was going to buy her son a new laptop. It only needed a few browser hijack's removing. Bless her.

“ Lay down your head You’re not alone Anywhere you go, I follow ”

Theme: Work Eurgh, I worked with the demon nurse yesterday. She confuses me. She was being all pal like to me. Like she was my best friend forever. I don't trust her. It's another shift done though, I'm working with the nurse that I like the most tonight though. Muahaha.

Theme: Whatever. I'm still struggling. I want so badly to be like house. To just shut everyone off instantly. If I don't let anyone in then I can't be hurt by anyone. I want the world that I created back. It's been smashed into a thousand pieces. I looked online for a counsellor today. Fifty pound's per session. I can't afford it.

Theme: Thoughts I just can't be hurt anymore. There's nothing left in me but hurt. I'm scared I'll just shatter this time. I want control of my imagination back. The only thing that was keeping me sane. It was keeping me insanely sane. I know it's not a normal thing to be experience but I don't know what to do anymore.

Theme: Depressed/Binge I've been gym today but I came home and just binged. I don't want to think all I want to do is go for a walk with my earphones in. Bleurgh. I've got my brothers kid round today and I just don't want it. I don't want to be reminded of an experience I'm not going to have. I hate people. I hate them. I wish I could live in a cottage and just sing to animals all day, like Snow White but without the dwarves.

Theme: Rough I'm still feeling rough. I miss my best friend. We've been talking through what's app but damn I miss her. No homo.