Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: What? Backdating. No idea what I was doing. Working?

Theme: Nope Nothing new unfortunately. Just a lazy day.

Theme: Working Just working. Keeping my head down. It's better that way. Staying out of everyone's bullshit making sure I don't get caught up.

Theme: Crap I felt so crap yesterday I just wanted to distract myself, so I just took my parents out for something to eat. When I get let down I need to do something else, something positive. To stop me from doing something negative. I'm so needy.

Theme: Let down Didn't get to go Sarah's. Surprise surprise. I hate being the one that always gets let down. I've let people down before but I can count on one hand how many times I've let people down. I also feel intensely awful when I let people down. I hate getting excited and start packing things and then an hour before I get a message saying it's not happening. I wish I mattered to someone.

Theme: Meditation, Part 2 Due to the meditation experience I had last night I decided to scrub the living shit out of my bedroom. I scrubbed places I have never scrubbed before (I'm not even kidding). I just figured I'd clean my room, give myself nice clean sheets and hopefully I can go deeper in the meditation tonight. I just feel a lot better today from it. It's got me thinking about positive thing's. Let's see what tonight brings.

“ I see some people who will not give up, even when they know all hope is lost. Some people, who realize being lost is so close to being found." -Legion

Theme: Meditation I meditated for the first time in years tonight. It felt weird. I felt so happy and refreshed afterwards. It's weird going back to something that you love so much but haven't done in so long. You just remember how much you loved doing it and wonder why you stopped. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night to do it again. Hopefully I can start practicing thing's a bit more again. I feel like I'm loosing touch with my faith. Not loosing my faith. But loosing touch with it. It will always be in my heart. Maybe it's my mental health that's made it impossible to focus on much. I'm just not as involved as I used to be and I miss it.

Theme: Family Party The sooner I get drunk the better it will be that way time will speed up and then the sooner I can get to bed. I feel numb and drunk and invisible. My dad is more interested in other people then me. It would be better if I didn't exist.

Theme: Woo! Six days off from today. I'm so excited. I love how my rota has been done it means I can finally breathe. Family party tomorrow. Can't be bothered. Don't want to be around people. I keep having flashbacks that outline my useless-ness and I hate it.

Theme: Neat Neatened up the blog a little bit. No idea if you can tell. I was looking into changing to layout but I love this one to much. It's clean and tidy yet pretty at the same time. It's easy so if I wanted to add more tables it's a pretty much a no hassle layout. I love making layouts I can spend hours doing it. But there's no point if you've found one to fit.

Theme: Long time, No see. Been a while since I posted a picture of this bad boy. Actually, it's been a while since I posted a picture in general! But look at this, just look at it. I think this calls for a new screen saver. It's been a while since I changed it. You sexy beast you.   I want you. In my bed. Now.

Theme: Sarah's I'm going to Sarah's house next week. Staying round there the night. Looking forward to it. Last time I went round there I ended up getting drunk and high. Roll on wednesday. I miss seeing her and I'm looking forward to it.

Theme: Dvd Collection Decided to start a DVD collection. I'm bored of always having nothing to watch. It would be nice to just open up my box and have more of a choice. I'm basically getting every horror movie and paranormal movie known to man. Just brought the Nightmare on elm street series. Perfect ♥

Theme: Disappointment. I'm such a disappointment to everyone. Myself, my friends, my family. All I do is hurt people. I'm a waste of space. Useless. It would be better if I just wasn't here.

Theme: Can't wait One more shift down, another one to go. I can't wait to get my six days off. It gives me something to look forward too. Although I've not seen my wage slip yet. I wonder how badly it is effected. But at this point I'm choosing myself over the pay. 

Theme: Unwell Felt intensely unwell today (mentally). Even when I spoke to Alison it didn't help. I had to go outside and have a cigarette and took some PRN which helped. I didn't think my PRN would help but it has very subtle but good effects. I'm really not emotionally ready for the shift tonight. I feel I might just burst into a fit of uncontrollable tears randomly halfway through the shift.

Theme: Work has ruined my life. All I've ever wanted to do is work in mental health. I've only ever wanted to help people. Instead, I am now classed as mentally ill myself and even when I'm not working, I'm actually working. For the past four nights I've had dreams about work. Is this my mind telling me something? I've had six long days off and it has been fabulous and guaranteed, I don't want to return. I just feel too damaged for this. I just can't be arse. I've lost my sparkle and willingness to learn, if there was any in the first place.

Theme: Busy! Busy! Busy! Went in town with Steve today. Got a lot done. New nails. Thank goodness my other set were looking more than just drab. But I also got my holiday to Amsterdamn booked for march! I'm so excited to be going. Just going for four days but it's a holiday, it's something to look forward to. I need that. Otherwise mentally I get worse. If I don't have anything to get up for then I just don't see the point in actually getting up. If I Slave my ass off at work in a job that I hate then I want to do it for a reason. Not just do it because society says I have to.

Theme: Woo I'm going out tomorrow to see Steve which I'm looking forward to. We are booking our Amsterdam trip and going cinema. I just love being outside. Getting fresh air just helps so much.

Theme: Day off This is my fourth day off. I've not been very productive but I've liked that. I had to go into work yesterday though (funnily enough it wasn't for a telling off!) I went in on my own accord as I accidentally took a ligature knife home and unfortunately I am having to do a knife share with someone. Other then that today, I just went all round fosse park. Brought some new art supplies and now babysitting.

Theme: Robin Williams A lovely actor from my childhood died today. He's been in so many amazing films and he will be a person that is sorely missed. He committed suicide by hanging. It's such a sad story. This is a huge thing and so many people are in shock because it's just so, out of the blue. It's such a shame. Rip.

Theme: low Felling low today. Not wanting to do much other then sleep to pass the time. I went asda with my mum though to help take my mind off it. Didn't help that much as I just felt too fat, especially when looking at the clothes. I ended up just buying DVDs and magazines. If I want to stop self harming, which in not sure I do, I've got to try and occupy myself. Afterwards, I just spent time with my mum painting her nails and reading the magazines I brought. You know your getting old when you read the same magazines as your mum.

Theme: Backdating I'm backdating so unfortunately I have no idea what I was doing. I am getting better at keeping up though. Even if I'm only blogging a little bit. It's something.

Theme: Backdating I know, I know. I keep saying I want to keep up to date. But saying it is a lot different from actually doing it. I'm such a lazy bitch.

Theme: Meh I feel dead. I've had to take my PRN propranolol to try and stabilise me. That's what I need. Stabilising.

Theme: Can't be arsed Although last night went really easy and fast at work I can't be arsed to go in. I never can. I have little interest in anyone there. But that's nothing new. Everyone drains me. Including staff. Especially staff. I don't belong there. I'm too stupid to save someone or to work with. I feel like a crap human being, because that's what I am.

Theme: Easy peasy! Easy night shift. Went really fast. No incidents and really quiet. Had a few laughs in between. A good calming team can really work wonders!

Theme: Disappointed I'm disappointed in how much I'm letting my blog go. I just have no interest in it anymore. I think it's because I just don't care about anything anymore. But I want to care. Especially about this. It was once something that meant so much to me and had so much pride in, as silly and as simple as it is. But it's my thing. It's all me.

Theme: Night off It's my night off tonight. I'm glad really because I still feel intensely drained from the hospital. Sitting around and waiting for hours on end is exhausting. So I'm just sitting on my sofa at home relaxing. I'm so I'll all the time. It's just, irritating. Am I on my way out?

Theme: Hospital Just came back from hospital. Heart problems. It was like being stabbed and I could feel it go right through to my back. I called 111 initially and they said go straight to LRI and LRI did a ECG and they told me to go straight to the general and expect to be there overnight. I didn't go straight general. I wanted to pack my own things without having my family fiddling through my undies draw. So with my undies and gruffalo bear in my bag I went off to the general. I was informed that I had an abnormal heart, but they didn't expand in it. Just had two more ECGS and an x-Ray then sent home. So from 11am I was just being discharged at 7pm.

Theme: Work Had to come home from work as I felt unwell. I feel dizzy and felt like I was going to have a seizure so it's just safer for me to be at home. Sofia was moaning that I was going home. Kept asking me to come back on shift and being bitchy by saying "well what do you expect us to do?". I was literally seeing double and everything was disorientated. I couldn't give a fuck. I'm going home. At that point I'm more of a risk being on shift.

Theme: Stupid night The way my shifts gave fell I've had two nights working, one night off and two nights working! So all I'm doing tonight is sleeping and wondering about like a ghost.