Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Ooh date I went on another date with Bryne again. It was pretty nice we went to the manor pub, grabbed some food and all that jazz. I even met brynes mum. I was shitting it. But she's lovely! I've already been invited on a holiday with them, haha! It's just a major plus that I'm pagan and she's pagan and we've got the same reading interests and it's all awesome. I can see it all going really well, I'm just not speaking to much of it because I know how quickly things can just turn to shit. I know this is a little random, but I really miss Steve. I haven't seen her in such a long time. It's so pissing awkward when her rota is completely opposite to mine.

Theme: Night Shift Just the usual night shift really. Nothing to report. I'm more excited about tomorrow as I have a date again! But I'm also excited about getting into my bed. Beds are so attractive aren't they?

Theme: Working Weekends I fucking hate working weekends. For me a weekend is just a family time and it's horrible knowing in leaving my mum on her own. I just can't be bothered. At least I get to have the weekend of next week. The rota has changed again. We have a nurse that's doing it, and she's not a thick shit so it's about time!

Theme: Spots Nothing has really happened today. Just had a day of, and I've been mooching around. I think I'm coming down with something though, I can't stop bloody sneezing, and I've come up in all these stupid bloody white spots. Meh.

Theme: Oooh, results! I got my test results back. I'm all clear. Although, they said that endometriosis doesn't show up on scans so it can still be that, but until then it's just a higher pain medication that I'm going to have to go doctors for. At least there's a possibility I can still have kids.

Theme: Bedroom My bedroom has nearly finished being decorated. It's so cute and so bright! I'll have to take photo's! Other than that I've done nothing, as it's a day off. I do bugger all on day's off. Work just become's so shattering I recover everyday whilst I'm off.

Theme: Nawh I forgot to mention, well, I didn't forget, I just didn't mention it. I went on a date a while back and it went really really well. In fact, I am seeing this person, let's name this person 'Bryne', again on Monday. I won't lie, I'm excited and nervous. I'm meeting Bryne's mum. It's a little soon, but whatever. I'm going to wear a dress and make myself look somewhat presentable. Wish me luck.

Theme: Repeat Did the same as yesterday to be honest. Nothing happened as I was sent over the other side of the building. Patient went bed and I got to sit in the empty lounge watching paranormal activity and playing games. Yay.

Theme: Scan Went for my scan today. The bastards wouldn't tell me anything when I asked. They said they had "no clinical knowledge" like heck have they not. If they look at lupus fifty times a day, chances are, they know what lupus looks like (not that I have lupus). So I've got to wait for the results for a week they said. Knobs.

Theme: Scan I have my scan tomorrow. I'm nervous. I don't even know if I'm going to find out my results tomorrow. But right now, apart from that I'm actually really relaxed. I've decided to buy myself a electronic safe, so when my room has finished being decorated, I have somewhere to hide my stuff and I'll be more relaxed when I go out, as sometimes I flap when my mums home alone as I know she has a habit of rummaging. The safe is only going to contain my letters from friends, and various ann summer objects. So if I ever die early, whoever is reading this, it's your job to dispose of the safe however you see fit. I think I'll tell Mark and Shaun the code just in case. If I ever croke it, I'd like to leave my parents with a clean image of myself. But I don't think I'll be kicking the bucket anytime soon. Other that, nothing new to tell you. I'm back at work tomorrow for the first time in like two weeks. I'm nervous. No idea why.

Theme: Eating crap Since I was eating crap yesterday, I've just been busting my ass at the gym today. That's it really. Thats another sorting more thing's out with my room. I keep weighing myself on a daily basis and it keep's saying I'm gaining weight, it must be muscle.

Theme: Billy Elliot Billy Elliot was brilliant. Completely what I imagined it to be. I'm so tired now though. The trip to and from London is so tiering. Me and my mum went to see the show down Victoria Palace. It was good but it didn't beat the film, especially because they didn't do the most iconic and memorable scene where Billy is older and features in black swan which is the final scene in the film. I was really waiting for that scene as when I watch it on film it pulls at my heart strings and brings a tear to my eye. I was just waiting for that magical scene. Not having that scene was like dirty dancing not doing the final dance. You just don't do it. I brought a Billy Elliot t-shirt (will be pictured below) anyway. Before the theatre, my mum and I went to grab some food down a pub and that was our day spent really. There seems to be a lot more homeless people down London, one of which approached us with an empty bottle of wine in his hand saying how he wante

Theme: Billy Elliot I'm off to see Billy Elliot tomorrow. Damn, am I looking forward to it. Especially the last iconic scene. I love spending time with my mum, I wish we could do this sort of thing more often.

Theme: Backdating Still backdating unfortunately, sorry.

Theme: Memory problems Still forgetting what I've done. I think to be honest, I would have been on annual leave and would have been killing myself at the gym. I don't leave until I've burned 500+ calories. That's before I go swimming. So with swimming on top I burn about 1300 calories!

Theme: What? Backdating really far back. I've missed a lot of days where I haven't blogged and it's made me feel guilty as I just don't' remember what I've bloody done!

Theme: A merry Sunday to you to! Just doing what people on Sunday should do. Nothing.

Theme: I don't know. I just don't know. My moods so up and down. One minute it's up then it's down then it's just like I don't know. It's actually ended pretty well though as my best friend, Shaun has just invited me to another zombie event. The exact same thing as this event. My god. It's going to give me something to work for gym wise and another reason to keep my head up. My god I can't wait. All this annual leave off was so needed. I needed space to just get myself together. 

Theme: Fuck dignity My mum was talking about her operation in detail today and it stressed me out so much. She was talking about all the possibilities of things going wrong and how people have died/nearly died. I panicked. I was so close to just whacking my head on the wall but when your in a cafeteria it's a little hard to do without drawing attention to yourself so I did the less obvious thing and pulled a chunk of my hair out. I remember seeing a client pull out there hair for the first time and I sat there thinking "how can you do that? It looks so painful". Truth is, it isn't. It's a quick fix to a long term problem. It helped me get away from that situation for a short time and gave me the release that I needed. Typical learned behaviours.

Theme: Instant hate  There's this new girl at work. She's a HCA. I hate her. Can't stand her. I don't know what it is, but my god she get's right on my tits. I couldn't help but give her evil looks but I couldn't stop myself from doing it, it was like an automatic reaction. I spoke to someone else at work about her to just get there opinions, thank goodness but she get's on her tits too! It's just the way she waltz's in and starts to be up in everyone's arse. On her first shift which was a shadow shift, a client turned round to her and said "I don't want you to shadow me". It's brilliant when clients hate the people you hate.

Theme: The Feels!   I miss house. Like stupid amounts. It stopped me going insane those months back. I'm not painting right now so that's not keeping me sane and I'm not obsessively watching a tv series so I'm just floating around until something come's up. HOWEVER, Emile Hirsch's new film 'prince avalanche' is just about to come on DVD. Fuck yeah. That was a beautiful film. I'm not feeling as lonely as I was. I wish I could recognise that pre-aunt Irma feelings. Usually I can dismiss these feelings as an Aunt Irma visit, but this time I couldn't. Also, usually as soon as Aunt Irma come's the feeling's go but this time, it's sort of stuck. I'm still feeling really crap, but not as shit as what I was. The feeling's I have now are liveable feelings. I'm out of that danger zone where I can be harmful to myself.

Theme: Annual Leave After today (apart from training) I've got annual leave till like the 23rd. How brilliant is that? With everything going on a good break is what I need. I might make an effort and actually really cane it at the gym. Walk there and back ect. I'm also off to London to see Billy Elliot.

Theme: Tramadol Diaries, part 2 I'm still dying. It still hurts. Yet I'm still popping these pills every four hours. I literally sit looking at the clock and the moment the time comes there down my throat so damn fast. I can't be without them for the simple fact I know the pain would be even worse. But I need something stronger. I need my damn scan to come through too. I'm scared of the results. I woke up crying because I was in so much pain. I'm grateful that at work we've got the best nurse on so hopefully things won't be too bad and I can take it easy.

Theme: Tramadol Diaries, part 1 It's not worked. The pill that's meant to help with the pain of broken bones has no worked. Are you fucking kidding me? I was joking when I said "maybe morphine will work". Christ. It's took my my leg pain slightly so at least I can walk/work but Christ.

Theme: 21st Birthday Looks like I won't actually be doing a thing for my birthday. My mums having an operation two months before my birthday so we won't be able to do anything. I'm sad about it because you only get one 21st birthday and that's your last ever important birthday. I'm still struggling with everything at the moment. Regardless of my previous blog entry. I'm really struggling to sleep at night. It's nightmare after nightmare. I had one nightmare where I had bugs crawling all over me, in my hair, clothes, I woke up in my dream and checked my hedgehog cage and there where all in there. Last nights dream wasn't good either. I'm terrified of those blood sugar needles you have in your finger and some fucker was running around after me trying to get me to do it. I don't want to go to sleep but I don't want to be awake either.

Theme: Aunt Irma Aunt Irma is rapidly approaching, and I know this how? I can't stop crying. Even at the most smallest of things. I have no control. I feel so alone and fucking miserable. I always get these feelings before. It was confirmed this morning when my aunt Irma app told me. Usually I recognise these feelings as aunt Irma and do my living best to chuck them aside, but this month I've not remembered when I'm due on and therefore, I've been a sad twat.

Theme: Painting I've spent the day painting. At work when people struggle they get people to paint. My god its helping. The pure concentration doesn't allow negative thoughts in. Or positive. It's like your not even there. Your not thinking or feeling, you're just there. Painting. Anyway, quick shout out to Mark for helping me out the way he does. Tar duck.

Theme: Highs and lows I'm so glad I've managed to keep this up for so long. I like that's its for a record of all my highs and lows. When I'm in a bad place I can go back to them and remind myself there was a time that I was okay and it won't be long before I find myself to be okay again. It's just about shutting the fuck up and keeping your head down until you get there. But my god people don't half make it difficult for you to get to that okay place again.

Theme: Cyberbully I watched the film 'cyberbully' the other day. I cried. It was a little bit to close to home then I had hoped. It made me think about things that I wanted to bury. But it was a good movie but at the same time I wanted to slap the girl silly. I don't understand people that are being bullied on a website and don't do anything about it (block them, report them, delete your account). It's not hard. Whilst no one deserves to be bullied I can't help but think you're setting yourself up for it if you don't take actions as mentioned. The Internet really wasn't designed to be used to spread hate and if you do nothing then your letting this hate happen when it can be so easily stopped there and then.

Theme: Oh dear I'm so tired its so difficult to stay away. I'm only an hour into my second day shift and I just flat our cannot be arsed. I'm super lucky I've got an amazing nurse on today that spends time with the most troubled patient so she isn't any trouble. I just flat out cannot be arsed. We've got an agency on today who doesn't lock the doors and has ceramic cups in the lounge. Looks like well be baby sitting her too. I'm such a bitch when I'm tired.

Theme: Killing time Someone at work has taken home the biggest belt which we only have one of. I'm fuming, and now my ribs are being crushed. In pure anger I spent £40 on a belt and pouch for myself. So I get to take it home and don't deal with this hassle. I usually hide the big belt, fuck sake. I feel so miserable ha. It doesn't help that a patient ran up the stairs, I pulled my alarm and it did nothing but snap, I pulled the nurses alarm and its out of power. Typical.

Theme: Will someone get me a damn scan?! I still haven't had a letter for my scan date yet. I'm literally ripping out my hair. I just, eurgh. Nhs at its best.