Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Fault in our stars I finally got to see the movie I have been waiting to see for about a year and a half. It lived up to it's book because I cried. Along with many people in the cinema. It yanked on the heart strings. Worth a watch. Well done John Green you sexy beast. Of course it wasn't as good as the book. But a book can just offer so much more detail then a movie anyway. So the book nearly finished me off. I remember it making such an impact on me I never forgot reading it. It's like perks of being a wallflower. That book made a huge impact. Film wasn't so great though.

“ Just 'cause you're breathing                                 doesn't mean you're alive."

Theme: Not Hungover I'm not hungover. I think maybe because I purged it all out and I didn't drink too much anyway. I was pretty sober all night. My thoughts carried me away. I was screaming inside whilst pretending I was drunk with my friends. My thoughts are still loud. At least I'm not surrounded by anyone today. I'm not good enough to be around people.

Theme: Being allowed out in society I went out into society today. My god was my thoughts loud and racey. I went out with Kaylee and the usual crowd clubbing. I felt so fat and ugly. Everyone was trying to dance with my friends. No one bothered approaching me. It made me feel unwanted and worthless. I ended up purging. The thought of the calories of the alcohol being in my body and making me fatter made me think my chance was slimming on finding someone who loved me. Or even liked me. I'm such an unlikeable person. I feel like I deserve to be all alone.

Theme: Meh I feel worthless. I'm no good at anything. Especially my job.

Theme: She won! Sarah got the verdict of the NMC thing where she was going to have her pin taken off her but she won! She gets to continue being a nurse. I'm so happy for her. She's such a lovely person and I only wish the best for her. I hope she gets compensation for it or something as she's done a lot of fighting but it's all paid off. Bless her.

Theme: You just don't get it. My mum had an argument with me about my mood today. Saying she was going to come into work and give them what for. She kept asking me who has been texting me nasty messages and that I have to get off my anti-depressant. For a start no one sends me nasty messages. I'm not in school. I'm twenty one. I've been on tumblr long enough not to give a fuck and send back awesome responses. It wasn't even work. She just jumps to these conclusions and goes on about how crap I make her feel. Turning it round on her. It doesn't help. It makes me feel worse. That's NOT how you help depression. You don't guilt trip someone with a mental illness. It just gives them more of a reason. Just leave me in bed to sleep please.

Theme: Tired I'm just tired today. I want some chocolate and then some sleep.

Theme: Lost I just feel disheartened and lost today. I'm sick of trying. I have nothing to try for. I wish I was somebody's everything.

Theme: The self harm hangover I always experience a hangover from self harm. I can't explain the feeling. You wake up instantly tired and sore and just wanting to sleep the healing time away rather then look at the mess you've made of yourself and the effort you have to go through to hide the marks.

Theme: Struggled I've really struggled today. Woke up and first thought was self harm. I've tried everything possible to try and distract myself, cleaned my room, listened to music, showered but the craving has just got more and more intense so I did it. At least the craving went away but it's not enough. I want to do more, which I won't speak off. I just don't feel well today again. I have work later. I'd rather just sit and lay in my own filth. I'm not good enough to be there. I'll never be good enough.

Theme: Ill. I'm tired and not feeling well (mentally) I've been feeling bad all day and I've done my best to distract myself but just relapsed with a blade that's in my nail kit. Nothing deep or to worry about. I went back doctors today to discuss how my Sertraline is going. I said it's going really well. I got him to check my head out as I banged it so hard against a wall a few days back it caused headaches that won't go away but everything is fine. Other than that I've sat in one seat all day long feeling low and trying my best to distract myself. I just want to go to sleep now.

Theme: Steve Went out for a meal with Steve today. I had a lot of fun and I wish I could have stayed out longer as it has been such a long time since have seen her but due to yesterday I was just still so tired. I felt kind of emotionally crap too. So I was a bit silly with money. If I liked it, I brought it. I brought a massive crystal. I've always wanted to buy a big crystal but always thought they would be to expensive but it wasn't to bad. I brought a new ring as well. It's really long and has flowers on it. Then lastly I brought a ton of decorative things as I'm going to start my handwritten diary again.

Theme: Lovely Aunt Irma is here today and I have work. I went to take my second dose of oramorph along with an anti-sickness pill as oramorph can make me vomit. Ironic really because as soon as I swallowed both the oramorph and the anti-sickness it was on the car park floor covered in what I ate previously. Lovely. After vomiting I got to work and had a seizure. Joy. It's all going in my favour lately.

Theme: hahah I got to work and we has the handover from hell from the day staff. Fortunately a female needed to go to the LRI to be with a patient. My favourite patient was in there through no fault of her own. Every female in handover about fell over themselves to go. Guess who got to go? Damn right. Baha. I spent the night eating pizza, doing her nails and talking crap. Fabulous.

Theme: Thank god Thank god that cold/flu thing has passed. I'm not good when I'm not well. I just want to be left alone to be miserable!

Theme: Still I'll Still feeling I'll but made an improvement. I just want to go to bed and sleep. Nothing hurts when I'm asleep.

Theme: Drugs Still sick but this time I have the use of drugs (day nurse/night nurse) to help me. Although I can't wait to come off these meds in taking so many meds it's over whelming!

Theme: Sick I have a sore throat. It's killing me. I've had so many soothers I'm starting to feel sick but without the soothers my throat hurts. I always feel so fucking miserable when I'm ill. At least I have the house to myself for the day.

Theme: Shift Good shift tonight to be fair Nothing happened apart from a ligature and someone pratting about. It seems to be getting calmer on nights now. Touch wood. Either that or I am just lucky. Nothing else to really write.

Theme: Backdating I'm backdating to a time I cannot recall. I spend more time at work then I do home so probably working.

Theme: Babysitting I hate babies. I find them so draining. I had to babysit my nephew from 7am till 7pm. At times I lost my rag. Luckily my mum was there and did a lot of it. I think I hate him. I just feel nothing for him.

Theme: Work Worked tonight. Good shift. Nothing occurred, I brought my  nail kit and the girls at work spent hours going through it which was good, took some time up.

Theme: Sertraline I think my antidepressant is working. I know really it's too soon you have to give it about three weeks but I can feel a difference. It's weird. I still get overwhelmed and think about self-harming, but just, not as much.

Theme: Backdating No idea what occurred today or yesterday. Backdating is a bitch. I need to keep on top of thing's more. Since getting more ill I just haven't wanted to do anything so now I'm getting "okay" I'm getting on track more.

Theme: Snap. Same as above. Back dating. Who knows what I got up to. I just can't leave this blog without an entry. I've kept this up for to long now, I'm proud of myself.

Theme: Sertraline Sertraline is the name of the anti-depressant I was prescribed today. I thought I'd be happier after trying to get on anti-depressentants for years however, I just feel more lost and lonely. I was kind of hoping Sarah would be more supportive and remember that my doctors appointment was today seeing as it is a majour stepping stone. However, she hasn't spoken to me since Tuesday. She never randomly ask's how I am. It's always me making the first move. She's so busy trying to drag people down that she doesn't seem to notice the people that are trying to pick her up. I love her to pieces and I know she has a lot on. I could have just done with knowing she was there. I do even feel awful writing this, but the thought is plaguing me and I need to express it. When I went to the doctors today, I went to see my favourite doctor, and he was just down right lovely. He always is, I just didn't feel pressured and it felt like the caring side to

Theme: Doctors I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for my anti-depressants. I am nervous and just generally shitting it. I'm scared of the outcome. I'm also tired. Just so fucking tired. I force myself awake yet I just end up staying awake all night.

Theme: Nothingness Not doing anything, a day off, so I'm just dossing. Eating crap and wollowing in my own self pitty. Perfect.

Theme: Hospital First day off work. I called in sick after my hospital appointment, I got my mum to just say it was bad news at the hospital. I mean, it's partly true. The only options I have that can potentially help my stomach cramps are options that can make me gain weight. One of the options was to go on the coil. So I've got myself booked in for that. Joy. I feel miserable.

Theme: Eeek! I really need to catch up on my blogging, but honestly nothing has happened. It's just that I've been doing this for so long I don't want to loose track of my blogging now. So a lot of my previous posts are going to be backdated ones. Boo.