Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Can't sleep I can't sleep so in keeping myself busy which I know I shouldn't be and doing nail art. It's hard but practice and it will be a piece of piss. I brought a nail extension kit today so I can start doing my own extensions. I don't think I'll use them on myself because overall extensions slaughter your nails!

Theme: Bitch! This stupid little girl at work is proper getting on my nerves. She's going to get me in trouble I can feel it. She has anorexia and she was looking at pro-ana websites. After I told her to get off them she accused me of looking at them myself in my own time. She is always accusing me of having an eating disorder or self-harming. Sure, I self harm but no one at work knows. But if other members of staff find out it could been seen as a bit dodgy and I'd end up being called up. The only good thing about it is every time she accuses me of something I tell the nurses to try and cover myself. She's done it to other people. Accused them of having an eating disorder and then they've been called up as the boss thinks they've told her personal information. She doesn't realise she can get people sacked. She's a spoilt brat.

Theme: Woo! My boss is quitting! 18th of July. I'm going to count this mother fucker down! I'm going to get the booze and chocolate in and celebrate! Bells to the yeah.

Theme: Law Abiding Citizen Watching this damn film for like the fourth time this week. I've probably learnt the damn script. I don't mind. It's totally worth the watch. If you haven't seen it, go watch it. I love clever films like this. I think this film actually gives me a little bit of an adrenalin rush. Ha.

Theme: Rest I've got three more days off work then I'm calling in sick and having seven days off. I can't wait. I'm going to do some expertise things and just generally apply for jobs. I think I might even be seeing Kaylee on Tuesday. Either way this week off has been a long time coming.

Theme: Backdating Just backdating on everything. Nothing happened today anyway which is why I am taking the opportunity to get everything to date. I've realised at work I can't do anything right. I get told off every shift. Even when the fault isn't my own. I can't do anything right.

Theme: Job Applications I've applied to work in the prison services, finally a vacancy came up. However the words "under go a fitness test" kind of hints to me I won't be getting it. Ha. However, if I get an interview, I can go to it and use the interview for experience for next time I apply. As I'll get myself fit and hassle them shawshank redemption style. Other then that I've finally got through to the Bradgate unit for their banking. Which I'm currently just waiting for the application pack to arrive. I've also applied for multiple jobs in the NHS that actually look interesting. Maybe this job leave couldn't come at a better time. I walked into work today and a patient came up to me and said "you look like you needed a hug yesterday" I thought damn it! That's the kind of shit that would make me want to stay. But I just feel my heart is set on leaving. I feel less stressed knowing there's a big chance in going.

Theme: I Quit! I've made the decision to quit my job. I just can't do this anymore. I just feel so unwell there. I'm having anxiety attacks all the time. I was having such a crap day today and I walked into work where the patients decided to inform me that they hated me. Usually I don't give a crap but it's just like, today of all days. Couldn't they have just backed the fuck off? The plan is to go to my gynaecology appointment on the 2nd of June, come back and ring in work and call in sick. Say I've had some bad news I'm going to need a few days off. That's time for me to manically apply for jobs. I then have an appointment with my doctor on the 5th to discuss my anxiety and to go on tablets. My mum actually agrees with me going on pills now, because my job is just killing me. It's not the patients, it's not what I do. It's the staff. I love mental health too much. I'm terrified. I'm making myself unemployed. Unemployed fro

Theme: Bed I've pretty much spent the day in bed. I haven't wanted to do anything other than sleep. So I've stayed in bed. Waste of life really.

Theme: Mood My mood is very up and down. I'm tired and very stressed out about work. I don't know what they are going to say when I come back. I don't want to hear it. I'm just dying to scream "I hate you all." Mood chart for this month: click here .

Theme: Tramadol Aunt Irma is here and I had work. I went to work and made it through hand over. I nearly vomited three time's. I ended up being sent home. Certain people were pissed off. I could easily see why the nurse from the previous shift was annoyed because it meant she had to stay behind. However, a senior healthcare assistant came into the room just about to go home and asked me what was up. I told her I'm not feeling well, and that I usually take oramorph when I'm like this, but can't take it whilst I'm working, so I've just took tramadol (which no longer works). She just gave a bitchy look said "well" and walked off. I understand that I shouldn't have came in, however, if I called in people would be bitching, if I attempted to do the shift, like I did, and went home, people would be bitching. I figured I'd rather attempt it and go as long as I can. I'm just so useless. Never good enough. Fat fat fat. Ugly. Pathetic. Everyone

Theme: Nothing Not done a lot today. Slept, ate, worked. Same shift different day. I want a new job. As you know.

Theme: YAY! Back to work tomorrow I'm so excited. Joke. I hope I feel better soon. I'm so sick of everyone. I spend all my time in bed now, even on my days off. It's safer there. I have my comfort pillow.

Theme: You sexy thing you. Look at what my wages will be buying me this month. Owft. Look at that sexy beast. I no longer have enough room in my other vanity case so I'm going to have to go all out on this beauty.

Theme: Bleeding heck! As you know, I got some anti-biotics yesterday for my wrist piercing. Seven pills later and my wrist has gone down considerably. Couldn't be happier. Hopefully I won't have to loose it after all. I have a feeling though, it won't be the last set of anti-biotics I have to take for it. I'll eventually catch it again which will just make it flair up and become infected again, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. If I could give someone advice about getting their wrist pierced, I would strongly advise against it. Although it's beautiful, it's just so much hassle and needs a lot of babying. Although I've had a few issues with my collar bone microdermals, more than likely my own fault, I do rate microdermals highly. I love them.

Theme: Health I want to start working on my health. Yeah, don't all laugh at once. I'm mainly referring to my smoking. I want to quit. I don't smoke at home, so it's not issue. It's just when I'm working, at Sarah's or drinking up town. I don't know how I'm going to do it really because when I'm at work and smoking, it's a chance to go outside for a bit and get away from the patients and just have that time to deflect and debrief myself. The reason I've decided to do it because it would just save me money. I also don't fancy being riddled of cancer. I just can't be arsed for it.

Theme: Anti-Biotics Finally got some anti-biotics for my infected wrist. I can't wait for it to start healing properly. I'm so relieved, especially because the infection was working it's way up my arm. Done and dusted.

Theme: Nothing. Not a lot, just back dating. Been spending some time to myself and dossing around. Not looking forward to work, but when do I ever?

Theme: Backdating I don't remember anything. I'm backdating obviously so god knows what shenanigans I didn't get up to today. To be fair to myself, I am on track with my blog more than I used to be. I can't just quit it, it really goes help, i've also been doing it for so long now.

Theme: Nail Polish's! I have just brought 40x collection 2000 nail polish's for £16. I now have 92 nail polish's. I've treated myself to a massive nail box so I'm kitting everything out with expensive nail pens and nail wraps. I can't wait for my box to come and then I can physically put it all together. Buying thing's makes me happy.

Theme: Embarrassing Bodies Just seen a website advertised on embarrassing bodies called 'My Mind Checker'. So I figured I'd go on there and do some of the tests. Here are the results: Anxiety -   Depression - 

Theme: Kay Kayleigh's last shift is on wednesday. That's it, that's all my friend's gone. Bastards. So I've gone and brought her a few presents and a massive cake to share with everyone at work. I've also brought a banner to put up around the office. It's going to be shit when she leaves. We will still stay in touch and go out monthly, along with going out for our outrageous 'lunches'. I think we will be ordering a pizza as well and just try and make a night of it. She's a great worker and I will miss her greatly. What a penis.

Theme: Quiet Quiet night at work tonight. Nothing happened. Bit boring really. I didn't even get to kick down another door, boo.

Theme: Police work Kicked down a door at work today. Police style. A patient had an incident in her bathroom but we (the nurse and myself) couldn't get to her because she locked it and the lock had jammed. The door is now hanging off it's hinges. Great success! Proud of myself actually.

Theme: Cannot Be Arsed I cannot be bothered to go to work today. I just want to spend the time in bed and wish my life away. Seems like an easier option. I hate working, especially with wankers. I wish I could go back to Birmingham.

Theme: Nope. Nothing to say, as there is nothing new. Back at work tomorrow so I'm just being a lazy bitch today and taking full advantage of it.

Theme: 0 Days. I've gone 0 days without self harming. I got wound up at something earlier and just punched myself in the face. When it comes to irritability punching myself seems to be an unconscious decision. It's like an automatic form of punishment. Anyway, from now on I'll be recording on here how many days I'm clean from self harm. This is going to be an almost laughable thing to record. However, I do have faith in myself that I can go a while but no longer then two months. 0 days clean.

Theme: Kay. I feel disgusting today. I am disgusting. No one wants to be around me. My mum keeps grabbing my fat and informing me about how much weight I've gained. I'm always the one to support everyone, well where the fuck is my support? I feel like I'm annoying everyone, even annoying Sarah. I just want my mum to stop grabbing me. So fat and ugly. I also cut myself tonight. I have no shame right now.

“ You are what you eat"  I don't remember eating a huge disappointment.

Theme: Thoughts Now that I’ve returned to normality, the normal thoughts have come back. Whilst I was out with Steve after Mcbusted someone shouted “Fat Slags”. Don’t even know if it was aimed at us. But it must have been aimed at me. Fat fat fat.

Theme: Just don’t talk to me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me. I’m just so hungover. 

Theme: Oh. My God! Mcbusted were fucking amazing. I’ve got so much to write about, I just don’t think my little fingers have the energy to write it all! Okay, so let’s start from the beginning.  We got to Birmingham at around 11ish. Our hotel was literally round the corner (five minutes) from the train station. However, my fault, we ended up walking like five miles in the opposite direction. We got there in the end though! Once we got to the hotel, which was small but served it’s purpose we started the drink and began left our stuff there and went for a gander round Birmingham. I’ve been there plenty of time’s before so I knew my way around a little bit. We went to the Disney store and the Entertainer, Birmingham's stores completely spits on our crappy small ones. especially there Waterstones. My lord. In Birmingham they have like five floors and have every section you could ever imagine. I brought a new book from the psychology section “Severe personality disorders by Ott

Theme: So it begins! Sleeping round Steves house today. So excited, Mcbusted are so close. Everything is packed and ready to go. It’s going to be nice to have a change to get away from things for at least a little while.