Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Clubbing Off out clubbing with someone from work tonight. I've had my hair cut, eyelash extensions are on and I've brought a new dress. I'm nervous though because I'm just expecting her to back out last minute. This sort of thing happens to me as you can gather. She's the only one I know who's going tonight. The rest are her family and friends so I'll know only her. I hope the social anxiety doesn't make me freak out.

Theme: Bugger! I've buggered up my sleep pattern massively by doing nights. I'll be up and exercising at like 4am because I'm tiered of just lying in bed and looking at the ceiling. My sleepers don't work either. So I'll just get up and watch a film and do an hour on the stepper. I'm desperate to try and get it back on track. If I get it back to the way it was at least I can meet up with people the way I used too.

Theme: Shifts I've just finished three shifts and I only have two days off but it's two days better then nothing. I look forward to sitting around in my pj's and doing jack shit. Yet when it comes to it I always end up doing something I really would rather not do. I just want to sit and laze. But I think I'm still going out with Kaylie as far as I know on Friday. I'm nervous to say the least.

Theme: Ligature. One of the girls did a suspended ligature today. Unsuccessful mind, but it still shaken me and another HCA that found her up. We were expecting she was up to something but not that. We opened her bathroom door and she was just about to step off the toilet. Her belt was tied around the lightbulb. I just want to go home. We got no support from work. Nothing. Your meant to get a debrief at the end of every shit. As I say every shift anyway, I'd rather go home with shit I'm my back then talk to anyone there.

Theme: Backdating I'm backdating so I have no idea what I was doing. I know I was working. So that basically means keeping my head down and not speaking when spoken to. I even try to avoid that these days with how manipulative people are. That's just starting with staff! I've had next months rota come out though and yet again I'm not working with Sian. Something has been said to keep us apart. I love it. That's exactly what I needed.

Theme: Laptop Eurgh, my laptop is still broken. So I can't properly put images on my blog properly until my laptop is fixed and I refuse to allow my blog to go public until it's all best and stuff. Damn it.

Theme: Work Not a lot occurring. Just work. I can't be arsed. My bed is too attractive to leave. I wish I could take a year out if life and just sleep. Just wake up every now and again for pizza.

Theme: Speedy! Bleeding heck is tonight going fast. Everyone is pretty much in bed and because staff are constantly changing positions it's helping to speed the night up. Not long now till my birthday. I'm excited. I'm feeling a lot better lately. I can read again. When I'm low my concentration won't last long enough for me to read. Still, it doesn't change the fact that he book I'm reading is crap.

Theme: Job opportunity! There's a chance I'll be getting a job at the Bradgate unit. A nurse came to our work place tonight to do a shift for us and I pulled her aside and spoke to her about it. Basically the plan is, bank there, one day a week and if I like it/they like me they will eventually take me on. I'm excited. I hope I do get the opportunity to work there. The Bradgate unit is a medium secure hospital where you basically get people at there sickest. It's just that if I get it, I'm moving up one more step to where I want to be! Hell yeah. Some cheeky bugger the other night called me up and asked if I wanted to be a cleaner. Bastards. Yeah sure, I'll quit my £7.10 job for a minimum wage, touching things that would give me a panic attack.

Theme: Low Felt a bit low today. Someone I went school with recently got engaged and it just made the negative thoughts come rushing back. It made me think about a previous ex that just disappeared. I wanted to know why he just did that. I need closure. I hate not having closure on things. I still want to text him but why bother? Is he really worth it? Anyway, one of my patients randomly turned round to me and said "do you have a mental illness?". That's just. What?

Theme: Nathan. I think I've kind of met someone. I'm bloody terrified though so I'm really not investing much into this. I'm not even investing a lot of time into it because shit always goes wrong. He's just a sweetie. He's caring, easy to talk to. I just don't know how I feel at the moment. My feelings towards people can be very bland at times. I've not told him a lot about my past. I'm reluctant to tell him I suffer with depression but I don't think it would bother him, you just don't know how people will react. Because I'm mentally ill. It's just the way I am and I don't know if he can accept that or not. But I had a conversation with him and he's a virgin too. I love me a virgin. Ha. I prefer it. They are just sweeter and more innocent. Long story cut short and sweetness taken out, there for me to destroy. I'll just leave that sentence there awkwardly and join it onto another random sentence.....and then I found

Theme: Cancelled I was meant to see Mark today and Steve tomorrow, however they are both it. But it's cool because I think I'm also dying. Aunt Irma. I'm so ecstatic about it I might just about die. -_-. I've got a ton of annual leave in march so I'm going to hopefully see them then. I was going to watch the Lego movie with Steve. Bleurgh. Chances are I'll be ill tomorrow as well. I suck.

Theme: The shame! I've missed like loads of days back dating. How awful is that? It's because my blog was playing up recently. However, I found out it wasn't my blog. It was my laptop. When I downloaded the film 'frozen' to watch yesterday, I think I downloaded a virus as my laptop is now buggered. It just needs to be cleared. Then it will be back to normal. Damn it.

Theme: OUUUUCH! Okay, so I ate my eight slices of pizza, six pieces of dough twists and drank a litre of alcohol. My stomach feels more than just bloated. It's so uncomfortable. I've decided to get up and do some excerise to see if it will wear it off. I completed over 500 steps on the stepper whilst watching the film 300. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I stopped every now and then to catch my breath and I enjoyed doing it. Go me. It also helped my stomach an awful lot!

Theme: Sherlockin' Time! I did some sherlockin' at work to find out the possible people that could have possibly been bitching about me to my boss. I found out one of them for sure. I'm not an idiot. My friend who I was meant to be bitching too was texting me on that night I apparently did the deed. So I took the date of our texts and compared it to the rota to see who was on. All I'm going to say is witch! Burn her!! Not only that, when I checked the rota that's when everything came together and I remembered her even going up to see the boss! I'm not fussed about her as I didn't like her anyway. I just want to know who the other snake is.

Theme: Work (Again) Work hasn't been so bad tonight. I've literally stayed out of everyone's way and made myself busy by cleaning. If I blink it's with the wrong eye. There's nothing I can do. I'm so stressed here. My mum even flat out asked me if I was self-harming again. I applied for some jobs with learning difficulties though. As a teaching assistant. I never thought that would be something I would want to do, but it actually seems fairly interesting. However, work is doing a course about personality disorder. You get trained on it and then they train you to become a trainer so I can bugger off to do different mental health units and teach then about personality disorders. So I at least want to stay for that.

“Let it go, let it go Can't hold it back any more. Let it go, let it go, Turn my back and slam the door & here I stand, & here I'll stay Let it go, let it go The cold never bothered me anyway” - Let it go, Frozen (Disney)

Theme: Work I hate work. I hate it. I want to go on sick. Just to have a few days to myself to just relax. I need it. I hate it here so much. I applied for twenty nine jobs tonight. Someone came up to me and accused me of bitching about them, saying that two permanent members of staff have told her and that they have took it up to James. I seriously want to go columbine massacre this place. It's fucking tempting half the time. There all wankers. I come home in tears and I go work in tears. There's no escape from these people. A patient also told me that my boss is asking about me. It doesn't make me feel comfortable. I feel like I'm on borrowed time. I want out. I hope some of these jobs get back to me. I'm going to keep a diary of all the crap that goes on here. When I do leave, in sure my boss's boss would love to hear about it.

Theme: Chill Feeling much more better now. Just sat in bed watching holby city. I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. I don't know why. I'm still hoping to sleep round Sarah's Friday. If not I'm more than happy to just eat an entire pizza to myself. No problems there. Haha.

Theme: Binging I've binged today. There's no chocolate in the house so I had to go shop. Before I left the house my mum made a very slight dig at me. If she didn't make that dig I would have came back with one of every chocolate and a bottle of southern comfort to wash it down it. Dispute the dig, I wish I had done it anyway. I want to sit upstairs alone in my room and just get completely wasted. Instead I came back with two freddos, one kitkat and a long dairy milk bar. All of which I have eaten apart from the dairy milk. I'm tired now. I just want to sleep everything away. Everything has been a trigger today. I had my earphones on in the gym and the temptation to ligature was so high that I had to leave the gym. I was also grating some cheese and I just wanted to take that cheese grater and grate my leg into shreds. I'm feeling better now though. I'm safe. I'm tiered and I have a film set to watch tonight. I just want to get away from my mum today as

Theme: Frozen I went to see frozen with Steve today. We were meant to be going to museums like the space centre but it was shut. Which was a disappointment. However frozen picked up the mood. You can't beat a good Disney movie. Now I can't stop singing the song's. I love it. It actually kind of made me well up a bit. So expect lots of frozen gifs. I'm going to pre-order this one on DVD. I really want to start collecting all the Disney movies. I love a good classic. They are doing another sleeping beauty soon. I loved that, that one was one of my favourites as a kid. I remember doing that in a play at primary school.

Theme: Nothing Not working, so I'm not really doing a lot. Just enjoying my few days I have off really. It's been spent on the xbox and shopping. How your days off are meant to be spent!

Theme: haha! I forgot to mention yesterday that Sarah shown me the messages going back and forth between her and my boss. Basically, my boss has. Token a ton of legislations in the way he's gone about sacking her, and as Sarah is clever she's been really sarcastic to him and just pointing out and naming all the legislations he's broke. His replies are so fucking funny. You can just sense that he is completely shitting himself. I'm excited to know the outcome of all this.

Theme: Drinkypoo's! Went out for a drink with Sarah today, finally. It went alright. I can still tell she isn't well, she's very vacant and ore quiet then usual. But I've missed her though. She invited me around to hers on Friday to sleep. Im excited but not thinking about it too much as I don't want to get disappointed again. If I don't go to hers I've got plans to keep myself occupied here. I want to do some knitting and binge on pizza. Domino's pizza is the shit.

Theme: Disappointed Sarah has now cancelled both visits with me. She was meant to come today and I just feel let down and disappointed. I'm frankly very hurt. She's kind of making it impossible now to book a new date. I made her some beautiful birthday cakes which I've now had to give away as they where beginning to get a bit hard. I spent nearly £20 making them and £45 on her bracelet charm. I just don't see the point anymore. I'm going to sit with my pillow and my blanket all day playing on my xbox. I hope no one expects anything of me today. I even skipped on having a proper shower because I just don't have the energy to do it.

Theme: Lone Survivor I'm never usually into my war movies, but with Emile Hirsch in it, I kinda have a obligation to watch it, and watch it I did! I loved it! It was sad. Very sad. But also very eye opening and real. You don't realise how much goes on in the world until you see something as real as this, and it makes you that little more grateful that you have the right's that we have. As we wouldn't have these right's if it wasn't for people like these that stand up and literally fight for them. I certainly give it a 5/5 rating. Other than that I haven't done anything today. I've sat around and moped really because Sarah was meant to be seeing me today but couldn't due to some work men outside her house, so she couldn't get the car off the drive. She sent me the picture so I know she wasn't bullshitting. So I've literally sat around and ate shit. Domino's pizza. I brought some cookies to share with my dad and when I had one I th

Theme:  Lol You. I forgot to mentioned a few days ago George spoke to me on whatsapp. I know you probably don't remember him but he's one of the weirdo's I met at the gym. He's the one that kept touching me and I ended up having to tell the gym about him.(Entries that speak about him are listed below) Anyway, I logged onto my whatsapp. And he was there! He tried to start a conversation with me. I shut that bitch downnn! I also went onto a dating site later that day. I found his profile. Damn, it's creeper then Jeffery Dahmer's if he had one. He's just so freaking weird. Why do I keep meeting weird people? I just told him to fuck off because he spoke to me in such a rude manner and I just didn't want to know. I don't want to be people's rug anymore. No fucking way. One  -  Two  -  Three  -  Four  -  Five

Theme: Energy Drinks! Omfg, this drink is the shit. It's all Kayleigh's fault at work. She let me have a bottle because I brought her something off the internet. You have to completely down it. It taste's disgusting, like night nurse or some other disgusting medication. However, it completely works. I even went town after a night shift and got my eyelashes and eyebrows done and was still wondering around town at 2pm. I then came home, had two hours sleep and ended up playing xbox. Sleep doesn't matter when you drink this sort of thing. It's ace. I've just brought a bulk load online. My parent's said if it come's they will throw it away. I'll hide it in my locker at work. Easy peasy.

Theme: Taking the piss... I'm truly taking the piss tonight at work. I did the rota with someone who I get on with. So I've partnered us two together for pretty much the whole night and gave ourselves a fucking easy ass shift. Hahaha. That's what you get when you keep passing the books onto us!

Theme: Sarah Sarah spoke to me again. Now I feel awful for saying those things and it does make me look so dependant on her. Maybe I am. And I shouldn't be. I think it's because it's very rare for someone to show you that kind of kindness. Hopefully we will be meeting up soon. It's her birthday today. So happy birthday to her!