Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Cut. I cut with a kitchen knife for the first time today. I have never used a kitchen knife before. I couldn't not. It was just there. It was nothing major. Not a major cut. Just on my stomach. I spent the day in bed pretty much. It's healed fairly fast and didn't sting in the shower like the others usually do. I'm just so tired of being sick and tired. I want to sleep, and just wake up when I'm ready.

“ Anxiety is wanting to ask your partner  a million questions as to why they’re with you, why they say they care about you, and so on. Depression is not thinking you’re  worth enough to even ask those questions, let alone be with them." - Anonymous

Theme: Sunday! Not doing a lot just chilling really. Feeling a bit shitty but I'm getting through the day. Just one step at a time. I'll get there. This is all just going to be one massive chapter in my life. I'll wake up one day and realise it's a new beginning of a bright new chapter. And everything will be alright.

Theme: Cheapskate. I've been thinking about buying a Mac Laptop but without how much of a cheapskate I am, I will probably only dream about owning one. However, it is pay day soon. Can you imagine how much more easier it will be to blog and store more photos of Emile Hirsch on? God he's a sexy beast.

Theme: Burlesque. I got my burlesque outfit fully sorted for the night out with Kaylee in May. I'm looking forward to it, just hoping I don't look to disgusting. It's a black and red corset with a tu-tu (wearing leggings of course!) I also got some gloves, some big feather earrings, and a feather boa. I hope I loose some weight between now and then. Fat fat fat.

Theme: shopping! Done a ton load of shopping today. Went down Beamot Leys and brought a ton of new clothes and went down town and continued to do the same. I appreciate days off like no other. It just goes so quick though. There's never enough time in the day to truley do what I want to do.

Theme: Grr! Doing day shifts. Oh the joy. I want it to end already. I was dying to go out if leave with a patient today but the nurse wouldn't let me. I wonder why. Stupid. When I was in the office today the nurse was going out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable. By whispering and just being a general bitch. Oh lord. Pay day soon. That's what I gotta remember these days. Nothing else gets me through this hell hole. Fuck em, fuck the lot of em.

Theme: What?! Sian was at work with me today, she was being really nice to me. She's up to something. I don't fucking trust her, I want her as far away from me as I can get her, I don't understand her, or her fucked up motives.

Theme: New nurse Finally got to work with the new nurse, he is absolutely lovely. He's not really a qualified mental health nurse, he used to be a midwife so it's a really odd career change but he's doing it really well. So easy to talk to. I mean, this was my first shift with him today and I was talking to him about aunt irma. Ha. He makes me feel relaxed as I can see he's pulling his weight, and not taking the piss like other people.

Theme: Days I'm dreading doing days tomorrow. I feel like I'm starting a new job. So nervous. People always say the day staff are the worst all the laid back people do nights, which dispute everything, is actually true. This is the worst punishment ever.

Theme: Mood My mood has dipped incredibly lately, I think it's time for aunt irma. I could just go out on a killing rampage, and have no remorse. Blurgh.

Theme: Xbox Done nothing today, still feel unwell. So I'm just lounging on the sofa praying to god no one talks to me so I can just self-loathe and playing in my Xbox until I'm tiered enough to go to bed, where I'll just stay up and watch TV anyway.

Theme: Ffs Still getting phone calls and texts from people wanting massages. I'm disappointed, maybe I should. I'm not exactly worth anything more anyway.

Theme: Blowjobs & New job. Work called me in. I would discuss why it's just that I don't want to go into it again for the 100th time. I'm tired of talking about it. So basically, work called me in, and they had a massive go at me and are now making me do a week of days so they can keep and eye on me. I feel disgusted and ashamed about something that wasn't really my fault. I ended up ringing Sarah because I was just so suicidal and I know no one knows the bullshitness of the place I work like she does. She helped a lot. I'm glad I have her in my life. I just want a new job. I'm so desperate I've put myself back on gumtree, after an hour though the job opportunities came flooding in. Mainly from people wanting "massages".

Theme: Drunk Been drinking since around 12:30. It's my day off, so you can out your judgemental thoughts away. It's helped numb the sounds of my squawking nephew. It also helps with the stress as I've just built two Lego sets. Which look great by the way. Anyway, I'm going out with my dad tonight though to continue drinking. Which will be good. I don't want to be sober.

Theme: Anxiety I feel horrendous. Fat. Disgusting. Worthless. I can feel the anxiety run through my veins from the moment I wake up to the moment I finally manage to close my eyes.

Theme: Work I'm in trouble at work again. I won't go into detail, simply because I'm tiered of say what has happened over and over again. I got called up to the office by the psychologist and senior nurse. I had a break down in front of them, the only people comforting me there, was me. I just wanted to find a hole, even a crack would have suited, and just worm my way into it and never come out. I became so stressed I had a panic attack. I work with these people I'm embarrassed by the fact that I breathe, what's the point? The behaviours of some staff members in that place disgusts me. No one understands me there, no one even hears me.

Theme: Journal I've just brought myself a stunning journal. As lately I'm loosing a lot of sleep due to work and I'm just struggling to function. So this is a diary for, whenever something or someone pisses me off at work, I can write my heart out and say what I really think and feel about the place. If I write it at night it can help me get to sleep, because I'll cry myself out of energy and just pass out. Also I decorate it so it lets me be creative again.

Theme: Woo! I'm now back at home, back from Sarah's. I had a wicked time. I'm looking forward to going bed though, I'm just so tired. I'm also looking forward to using a shower that's not really small, as hers is an over the bath one. She's got me into drinking tea now though so more water comes out of me then the bloody Niagara falls! I really hope to do it again. It was nice to get away for a bit and wake up at the country side.

Theme: Sleepover, part 2! Slept round Sarah's again for another night. We got to sort some of her files out. I finally got to clean her handbag out for her which was so heavy it was like carrying another person on your shoulders. It used to really bother me. Seeing it full. Anyway, we carried on drinking did some oracle cards and smoked. Well good mother fucking times!

Theme: Sleepover! Sarah came to visit me today. Only for a few hours like. But after those few hours she decided to take me home with her and it turned into a sleep over. It was brilliant. We had lots of fun. We got fairly tipsy too and we ended up completely passing out when we finally managed to get into bed. It really is lovely to see her again. I've missed her terribly. Especially at work. But just knowing that she is still there is enough. In a way I feel fairly protective over her. Anyway, I met her kids and her partner and it was good. We just got to chill out and talk shit. In the middle of the night though I woke up and felt something jabbing at my back (I slept in the same bed as her) and thinking it was her I rolled over like 'what the fuck?' turns out it was her cat just chilling on my back. It felt wonderful, so knowing it wasnt a human doing it, I rolled over and very easily went back to sleep. I want a cat.

Theme: Visitor! Sarah is coming to visit me tomorrow which will be good. Especially now the weather is getting warmer. I'm exited for her to see my house. Don't know why. I just miss her. I sound obsessed but I'm really not it's because we've been through a lot and we both know each other's business. Ha.

Theme: nanana guitar hero! Guitar hero has came. My days, the memories. It's bloody addictive. I should be sleeping but it's "one more song, one more achievement". Damn it!

Theme: New relationship = New mistakes A few posts a go I spoke about someone called Nathan. It's going really well to be fair. I'll cut the long story short, I accused him of something I fully believed to be true but his last reply was really weird so I went ape shit but it turned out there was a connection lost between our phones. So he's not a complete wanker that I instantly thought he was. Ha. I'm still holding back a lot though. I don't trust some family members, why trust a complete stranger? But fom this day we are actually classed as being "together". Dispute the mistake I made of me thinking he's using a dating site.... I wish I could trust people and understand now everyone wants to hurt me. But I need a reason to believe that.

Theme: Nothing. Nothing to report. All has been good. I'm backdating but it's a Saturday and I'm not at work. Chances are I was slobbering and xboxing.

Theme: Collarbone Dermals + 1 Literally. I've added a new dermal. That's three dermals on my collarbone. I decided it looked a bit bare and a third one will make it stand out more, and it has. They are just so bruised. Although, even the bruising colour is nice. It's like yellow. I'm so weird.

Theme: Ouch! Oh my god my collarbone feels like it's been punched in the face multiple times. It didn't hurt much when I had it done. They both popped in fairly easy. Other then that, nothing new to report. I'm doing nothing with my time off. Which is exactly what I wanted to be doing.

Theme: Collarbone dermals! I decided to treat myself to two dermal piercings on the collarbone today. It hurt, but they look beautiful. After I got my dermals done I headed into town to meet Steve to go watch the Lego movie. What a disappointment! I was expecting so much more! After cinema we were going to go to the space museum but unfortunetly Steve became ill so we both headed home. I hope you feel better soon! Thank you for the presents!

Theme: Birthday! I've had a wicked birthday today. I went to Beaumont leys to do some clothes shopping and came back with a few bits, some high heels. I also went to see a film with my mum called "non-stop". 5/5. It was so damn good. I've not guessed that much since I played "guess who" in primary school. Then I had a meal at home with the family. Toward the end of the night I started to just get a bit anxious but by then people just started to leave which was a relief. I'm grateful to have these people around me but sometimes it can be a bit much. I do love my family. Anyway, I got: I got: Pandora bracelet Four pandora charms Me to you bear Bracelet (keep sake) Music box (keep sake) My and fat diary DVD Chocolate Money

Theme: Birthday! Birthday tomorrow! Annual leave even sooner! I get some time to heal myself and just relax. I don't want to hear from work until I go back! Just need to finish this shift, get some sleep and I get to wake up to pizza! 

Theme: Hold it together! I'm holding it together because not much longer and I can run around naked, eat pizza, play Xbox and do nothing. Bring on my annual leave. Healing time.

Theme: Time of my life! I went out with Kaylie last night. Oh my god. I want to go again. Her friends are absolutely amazing. They all included me and all danced with me and got well hammered with me! They are going again on the 28th of March I think. I'm not working. I'm excited oh my god. I danced with a random however he got a little to close and I eventually just buggered of. Made me feel uncomfortable. When the night first started I was just standing there really awkward. After a few shots that was it. Gone. I didn't care if I looked a twat. We all ended up in liquid dancing to cheesy tunes. Kaylie asked the DJ to put out a birthday shoutout for me which was sweet. It was just such an immense night. I wish I could hit the repeat button.