Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Aye? No idea what I was doing today. I'm backdating you see. Chances are I was working a night shift as its Saturday.

Theme: A&E Went to hospital with the most troubled patient today. She was surprisingly completely different. So well behaved and lovely. I ended up going with agency who wasn't mapa trained because the management is to stupid to send me with someone else that's experienced. I was the most experienced on the whole ward today, including the nurse (according to the manager) that's why I had to be in charge of the patient and other things. I had to do hand over and just, its been a shattering yet kind of rewarding night. When we went hospital at around 11pm we had to go for a blood test and didn't get back till about 6:30am. Piss take. Then I fell out of the taxi. Like a drunk person.

Theme: Holiday! I'm going on holiday and I'm so excited I can't cope. I'm only going for three days in Skegness in October? Yet I can't wait. I really can't. I need this break more than I can explain. I've already sorted out what in wearing and I'm begging my parents to make the stay longer. I'm bursting with bloody excitement. Damn it.

Theme: Mums operation My mum got the all clear for her operation. She's now on the waiting list and it will be done around new year. I won't lie I'm going to need my friends. I don't want to think or talk about it. I just want my friends to help me take my mind off it. I'm glad my mums doing it in the long run because of the health benefits but its going to be difficult to watch.

Theme: The usual. Didn't really do much today. Just went swimming, came home and slept. I've been so tired lately. I can sleep for the whole year and it still isn't enough. What on earth is wrong with me? I think it might be because I've not had a proper lay in, in a long time.

Theme: WTH? You wait ages for a day off, have tons of plans to do what you want to do and someone shits on them. I swear, my next proper day off is Sunday, I don't care if there's a fucking apocalypse, I get left alone.

Theme: I'm scared I'm going through all this on my own. I'm so scared. It's the whole baby thing and be scan. No one will love me. I'm terrified and I feel so unsupported.

Theme: Tramadol, part two.  I tried some Tramadol yesterday just to see if I was allergic. I had no reactions. Not until this morning. I felt like I had an early onset of death. It was like I had a chest infection and my mouth was numb and yeah it wasn't very nice but it was manageable. I'd rather go through that then my stomach cramps so the side effects, which I still need to post, hasn't bothered me really.

Theme: Tattoo! My mum has agree to let me have my hedgehog tattoo. I'm excited. I will be getting it for my birthday but I think because of the size, there will be a fair cost so ill also be getting it as part of a christmas present. Yay! When he dies I think I will get his ashes put into it then. I'm a female. I can't wait. Which actually sounds bad because its like saying "I can't wait for you to die". That's not the case. I love my hedgehog dearly, that's why I'm getting it.

Theme: Massage I had my back done today. It went a lot better then I expected considering how my last one went (she hurt me so much I nearly cried and I had to ask her to stop) but this time I had it done by a different person and I nearly fell asleep! My back feels better, I think it's something I might get on a regular basis.

Theme: New Wardrobe I have spent over £500 on clothes this month. How crazy is that? Loosing weight is expensive. But fun. I've loved every moment of shopping. Muhaha. I'm living in leggings at the moment. There so damn comfy. Screw jeans. That's the love of being a girl.

Theme: Tramadol I went to see my doctor with my mum today. I figured if I take a parent in the doctors with me to moan as well then I can actually get somewhere. So I got some very high painkillers, the side effects are insane and I will post them later, and I've also been booked in for a scan. I can't wait to try the painkillers. I have a lot of faith in them. They are stronger then co-codamal, and co-codamal works accept that I'm allergic to it. I'm going to be off my tits on painkillers! I'm nervous for the scan, but I've waited thirteen years for it so its a long time coming!

Theme: Sadness plan I refuse to delete this picture off my phone because its the only thing that helps when shit goes wrong.

Theme: Kids I'm going to a doctors appointment tomorrow with my mum. I won't lie, I'm terrified. Its about Aunt Irma because her visits make my legs paralysed. There's two possible conditions that are the basic definitions of me, the pain has been compared to going into labour. Both conditions make you infertile. I'm really pushing to see a gynaecologist. I'm not an idiot, its not normal and I know something is wrong. Granted I cannot stand kids, but I don't want that option taking off me. Your not meant to not be able to walk. The thing is I've researched it all on the Internet and you know the Internet, you cough twice and you've got two days to live because your rapidly dying of lupus or some shit.

Theme: Patients The difficulty with mental health patients is that sometimes they just don't want to get better, this is when I feel that I'm being waisted. I'm here to care, to look after people and these patients just aren't letting me in because they don't want to get better. It's stressful because there blocking me from doing what I've been born to do. It's really hurtful when they tell me that I don't care. I do. I can't be clinical and see them as just another patient, number ect. I get to attached. Even if they are crazy and I can't stand them. There not my friends, there not anyone to me, but I see someone suffering and they won't let me help.

Theme: Sundays! How I worship my Sundays when I have them off! I appreciate the crap out of them. Even though I don't do anything it's just time to spend with family and such.

Theme: Nothing Not done anything today, its my weekend off so I don't intend on doing anything on my weekends. I need to recover from work. The emotional side that comes with my work can sometimes be so unbearable. Crippling even. I'm hoping that the main nuisance client will be moved. She has started to hurt staff now (including me) and she's just not safe here any more. Medium secure is the right place for her.

Theme: Backdating I'm blank. I'm backdating and have no idea what happened. All I know now is that I'm munching the best chocolate and watching lord of the rings. So ha. Chances are I was working and had a horrendous day.

Theme: Birthday plans!  It's my best mates birthday soon and I intend to get her sloshed. I'm planning it and I just managed to get it off at work I'm so excited and dead chuffed I can't wait. Muahaha!

Theme: Bitch in charge? We have a really confident nurse where I work and she's on my team for this month. I dislike her because she makes me feel like I'm incompetent. Even at breathing. I might have mentioned her before actually. Anyway, she came up to me and told me that I'm doing really well and that she doesn't trust many people with a certain patient but she trusts me. Bitch in charge is no longer bitch in charge, she's now nurse in charge. I'm chuffed to bits. She left me in charge of the whole ward whilst she had to pop off somewhere. I won't lie, it was fun. Although nothing happened and I just carried on doing what I was doing before I was even in charge, I was happy.

Theme: Ghostly Business At work today there was only a few of us in the building and all of us was in the lounge. I seen something walk past the corridor window (it doesn't have a curtain so don't suggest wind) and when I looked another support worker looked too and we seen the same thing. It's weird because that night I felt something in my room. When I feel something in my room its like a "heavy" feeling and the room gets really cold. I wasn't scared. I felt it right next to me. My sleep was to important and precious to me to be scared, so I thought id let it ghost around and I fell back asleep.

Theme: The conjuring! I went to go see the conjuring today with Steve. It was alright. I'd watch it again but I wouldn't rush out for it. It had some unique points in it, like clairvoyants have never really been like a main focus in a film so it was good. It was a well needed day out to be fair. We just went shopping. I brought this cardigan that resembles a carpet but it looks alright in me. My moods alright, all is good man.

Theme: Liquid Diet I'm on like a liquid diet but I'm intentionally not sticking to it. Ill only have it for lunch. I'm making myself smoothies. It's because I don't eat properly at work. I'm struggling to eat fruit in general as I just never do it. So with the smoothies it's such an easier way for me to get what I need. I'm only skipping one meal but replacing it with healthy nutritional drink anyway. I'm hoping its going to go well. My mum seems to love making them. We both make them together, nawh, bonding.

Theme: Babyshower As you know I called in sick yesterday. Which meant I had to go to my sister in laws baby shower. Yay. Luckily enough we didn't sit around and talk about babies. We actually sat around and bitched, and we all know I like a good bitch, about the sister in laws parents because there just so useless. They haven't helped in anyway for anything. So it went alright. My dad and his mate got drunk and fell asleep when we got home and I was heavily dosed up on painkillers, fun!

Theme: Stomach Cramps Can you remember those pills I was on for Aunt Irma? They aren't working and I'm in so much pain. When painkillers don't work for it, it's brutal. I can't walk. I'm not saying that to be dramatic. I literally cannot walk. My legs are paralysed. Towards night time, after hours of multiple water bottles and painkillers I slowly get movement in my legs but its not for very long but it at least gives me a chance to go toilet. I'd hate to have someone assist me to the toilet so I'm lucky in that respect. Anyway, I went to work this morning and that's when Aunt Irma came along and dropped her shit on me so I ended up having to go home. Where I cried for hours and watched Emile Hirsch's new film, prince avalanche, which is lovely by the way.

Theme: Aye? For the life of me I cannot remember what I did today (backdating) so, yeah, shit. I feel like I've not been at work in ages so I've just been slobbing around in pure pride.

Theme: Depressed I'm feeling severely depressed. To the point where I just cannot be arsed any more, with anything. I'm feeling alone, although I know I'm not. All I want to do is pack some shit up in a suitcase and fuck off somewhere. I can't remember the last time I seen a beach let alone walk on one. They say that people who work with mental health are often mentally ill themselves. Ha.

Theme: Venipuncture I did some training today, reluctantly. All I wanted was one fucking day off. But I went, and I loved it! I just learnt how to take blood. So far the training at my new job has been really good. Much better than what I thought it would be!

Theme: Eurgh, Day Shift I hate day shifts with a fucking passion. Nothing happens. Nothing. Not a thing. Not even incident's. It's all so damn slow. I cannot stand in. At least at night they are more awake and thing's are happening. It's a killer.

Theme: Snitch I've had to snitch on this nurse at work. I needed some help with something and I had to take a nurse up that was sleeping (you're not meant to sleep by the way) and she told me to leave her alone. Woah. It royally fucked me off to be fair. She's not a very good nurse and in an emergency situation all she does it panic and just stands there. At first I felt guilty about reporting her, but now, I just don't. She put everyone on shift that night at risk.

Theme: Smoothies! I've been eating nothing but shit lately. It's because of work, there is no way of being able to work and eat healthy, just not possible. So I'm going to buy myself a smoothie maker and use smoothies in replacement of meals. Yay. Watch me poison myself.

Theme: Heheheheh! I requested my break earlier last night because I was really struggling with a patient, I spent four hours with her and another hour would have killed me. She was asleep but I just couldn't anymore. After the nurse agreed I came into the lounge and I seem my beautiful future husband on screen, Emile Hirsch. Alpha Dog was on and I actually squealed. I think I might have scared the poor agency guy a little bit. Ah well. I saved another life tonight anyway with the suction machine. Yay.

Theme: The dread! Dreading going into work tonight. The amazing nurse isn't on and I just know we're going to get shit. The only thing that's keeping me going is the thought of my McDonald's breakfast in the morning, a shower and two days off!

Theme: Horrendous It's been a horrible night. I've had to put someone in restraint (which is actually kind of fun). However, there's three people on shift with four patients. All of these patients decided to hurt themselves all at the same time. The alarms and radios have been going off since eleven (not including the alarm set off the moment I walked in) and didn't stop till about four in the morning. I've had people up in my face, yelling at me and self harming and I'm just tired. Lots of other stuff has happened of course but I just can't be arsed to go in detail. I'm generally tired of people at the moment. I can't talk to anyone about my job or how I'm feeling because no matter what I say they've been trough worse or some shit. It makes me feel pathetic, and it makes me feel really alone. I want to crawl into bed and just stay there. Yes, that sounds like a nice plan. Fuck tonight's shift, yknow, yolo. Ha, that's a joke and a