Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Excited! I'm so looking forward into going into working tonight. Last nights shift went absolutely brilliantly. Everyone was well behaved and there was no incidents. One of our patients is on a high so she dyed her hair purple, and when she's on a high her mood is brilliant. Usually this mood will last for a fairly long time, fingers crossed!

Theme: Noo! What's that? Your not meant to be working? How about you come and do a shift anyway? So work changed the rota and didn't inform me so you can only guess what tosser ended up working tonight. It's been a fucking brilliant night however and there's nothing wrong with getting a bit of overtime down my neck! I'm working with some brilliant people who I've befriended very quickly. I'm dead happy.

Theme: Day Off! I'm only having one day off throughout my five days on. But this day off has gone bloody brilliantly. I brought a gruffalo teddy and the DVDs which came today so I fully intend to watch the DVDs and fall asleep. My days off I am so tired its stupid. It's like the recovering period. But all is well.

Theme: BULLOCKS! Work has been so difficult due to a certain patient and a nurse. There's nothing I can do about this patient so I suck it up the best I can, but this nurse. I had everything inside me crossed knowing that I wouldn't be working with her much longer. Looked at the rota, I'm with her for the next fucking month. I'm also with another Carer I dislike. Not only am I with them for the next month, I'm with them for well, ever. I'm so peeved and upset. I loved coming to work until I had to work with them cunts.

Theme: Back at work! I'm back at work tonight and surprisingly its going really well. Nothing's happened as of yet. I'm doing bedroom observations already and it's only 11:30. I've also just brought myself a big sixteen inch gruffalo bear. So even if tonight's shift goes tits up, I've got a bear on its way to me.

Theme: Backdating And I remember shit.

Theme: House MD   I miss watching 'House' so much. I love watching a show that makes you feel like the characters understand you. I might watch it again, it keeps me busy and makes me feel less lonely. I watched the last episode again with my mum again and I felt that awful pull of my heartstrings. My head still hurts from smashing it on the corner of the door, but whatever. I'm just so tired.

Theme: I'm struggling I'm really struggling lately. I feel like crap. Last night the nurse in charge didn't put me on a certain patients obs. I can't help but feel so incompetent around her. Like I can't handle it. Even when I'm sitting with this certain patient the nurse would come sit in between us to take over. No matter what I do it's not the right thing. I feel so ill. My anxiety is sky high and I constantly feel sick, I keep actually being sick and its not helping and its also been joined by a headache because I got so upset at one point I smacked my head on the corner of a door (at home). I won't be doing it again though as my head is killing me and I now have a lump. I just feel so shit about myself its unbelievable. Especially about what that other Carer said to me the other day. I'm going to talk to another Carer about it, one that I work with on a regular basis who I massively get on with and ill prey that she'll tell me the truth

Theme: Anxiety My anxiety has already started. I feel sick and dizzy. I don't want to go work. I'm looking out for over the counter anxiety pills but they all have things in them that help send you sleep, which isn't good for a night shift! If it comes to it I know a counsellor who I get on with friend wise and I think they do a cheaper price for carers. That's if things get really bad though.

Theme: Joy I'm feeling like crap tonight. My anxiety has just been sky fucking high and I just feel so ill from it all. I want a cuddle. I want to be at home in bed, asleep. That way I won't be thinking. I was told tonight at work that I try to hard and that I'm touchy feely. I mean I am trying. But if I don't try, then does that mean there will be loads of incidents and there will be a death on my hands? Also, its in my nature to be touchy feely (in that non pervy way). I feel like I need to shove myself even more in my shell. But if even more of me goes in my shell there will be fuck all left of me. I feel ill, and worthless and stupid and fat. I'm ugly and no matter what I do it's always going to be the wrong thing. My anxiety is just so high I feel like I can't cope.

Theme: Indulgence Second day off and I'm back at work tomorrow. We've had a BBQ today and my mum is now letting me indulge in an Emile Hirsch movie, thank goodness. Although I've compromised by putting on the one that she likes, the emperors club. I just appreciate this time on the sofa.

Theme: Not at work I'm not at work, so I'm trying to relax. I look forward to my days off more then I look forward to another Emile Hirsch film. Okay, I take that back. You know I love an Emile Hirsch film.

Theme: I'm liked!....oh wait. I finally had a shift where everyone likes me. Well, all the patients anyway. Tonight, I feel like the staff are doing nothing but bitching about me. It's making me feel unhappy and uneasy. They keep whispering and now I know how bad it makes the patients feel. It makes me feel paranoid and on edge. Like everything I'm doing is the wrong thing. I feel fat, disgusting, worthless and lazy. That's how I feel they see me. I want to go home, crawl in bed and cry. I'm on shift with two people that I find really intimidating. So it's making it all really difficult. I just feel like I haven't got a place here tonight and that all I do is sit here when that isn't the case. That's why every five seconds I'm like "do you want a drink? Anything you want me to do?" I'm so far up everyone's arse because I just feel so worthless in there eyes. Fuck me, you know you need a day off when....

Theme: Wahey! One of the patients that I really dislike has gone to hospital so I won't be dealing with her tonight. Even if the hospital send her back here, less time with her. It's a lot more easier to stay awake tonight. The first night is always the hardest. I'd still love to crawl into my bed though. Owft.

Theme: Work Work is being especially hard tonight. I've just been sat in the same spot for hours on end so my eyes are just closing. I've even done some mopping in attempt to keep myself away and I've got water everywhere I've turned the place into a new bloody sea.

Theme: I quit! I quit my little job today. Te one I was doing once a week. I loved doing it but with my new job I don't have time any more. Especially with the rota always changing. Everyone signed a card , to mu surprise, which was nice other then that not much happened. I think ill end up going to the Christmas party because there lovely people that I want to stay in contact with!

Theme: Moving On I'm quitting my job tomorrow. I handed in my notice a while back which I may or may not have mentioned so its my last day tomorrow. Don't really know how I feel about leaving. I know deep down none of them give a shit and I'm not expecting anything off them. They have a habit of celebrating everything with other people apart from me. It makes me feel a little left out but when I've had it my whole life I'm just kindda like meh. I'm moving on and I can't be arsed to care.

Theme: Sunday Nothing to say to be fair, usual old shit. I'm happy and all is well!

Theme: Same Same with as above. Nothing new. It's all cool bro, I got this.

Theme: New Theme! I finally got my theme sorted out last night. It looks a lot better. The problems I had with my last one is the text kept changing sizes and there was no way of me changing them back and it made it look ugly. This one is a little colourless but I think that's something I will fix over time. Otherwise I think it's fairly cute. It's clean, the html codes are correct and it's doing as it's told. I'm happy. I had a tarot card reading from my old mediumship teacher which was pretty good. I've always wanted a 1-1 reading and it was worth it. Got it all spot on, then I went shopping with an old friend! Good day, man. Good day.

Theme: Catching Up. I have a lot of catching up and backdating to do. I've been so busy with work, and because I'm on night's I'm basically loosing two days. Also, I've not had my phone. I only just got it back from the insurance company today thank fuck. I got a brand new one as my broken one was unfixable. Ooops, poor thing. Anyway, today I haven't done much. I've still been a bit ill today so I've took it slow. I went shopping with my mum and brought some cute stuff for my room for when it's decorated and that's it.

Theme:  Day off My day off start's now. I'm not in until Saturday and it's fucking brilliant. I have a fairly busy week. I'm off shopping and going for a oracle card reading on Friday and just doing little thing's here and there, that amount to doing a fair bit.

Theme: Oooh, theme I really want a new theme on here. I like a good change, and a challenge. Especially because I make all my own from scratch. So over the next few days this blog will probably go from worse to just a down right mess, don't worry. I'm fixing it!

Theme: backdating hiccup I'm backdating and have no idea what I did today. My phones been in my insurance company so I've not been able to donor whilst I've been at work. I miss my phone. I miss texting Steve silly pictures.

Theme: Gym Went to the gym yesterday to try and help my legs. Yeah, it didn't work. Eurgh. I'm to tired to blog in detail so this will do today.

Theme: Fuck sake My legs are still hurting. How crazy is that? I'm literally crawling on the floor. People better not do anything that requires me to maps them whilst there on the floor. Hell to the no. It's crippling me! I'm going gym later to see if its going to loosen me up a little.

Theme: The fucking pain I did some more MAPA training today. We mainly did all floor work which killed my legs. I'm in an incredible amount of pain. I don't want to walk anywhere. I don't want to move. Even a fucking water bottle hasn't helped the situation. But pain aside, it was a fucking awesome course. I can't wait to actually put these new skills to use. 

Theme: Mapa, Take Two The second day was so much fucking better. It was a lot more physical work rather then bullshit of 'warming you up' with silly little tasks. I ended up going home and practising some mapa thing's on my mum. It's fun to use. 

Theme: Mapa I had to do some training for work today called Mapa (Management of Actual or Potential Aggression) it really wasn't what I was hoping it to be. There were just a lot of silly little tasks. I think tomorrow might be better though. I got to meet a lot of the new people though which was nice. You can tell that some people are going to be right wankers but for the most part they seem lovely, and I'm excited to work with them. Especially with the men. They seem a right laugh, and when it come's to work I seem to get on with men better.

Theme: Eh Same situation as below. No phone, no blog. So here, have a sexy picture of Emile Hirsch. It's been a long time since I posted a photo so, here we go.

Theme: Backdating I'm backdating, so unfortunately I can't remember what I've done. As I've been without my phone I've also not been able to update.