Ramblings Of A Rambler

Theme: Samhain I'm not doing anything for Samhain. I'm mentally celebrating it though, does that count? I was meant to go and get a pumpkin for my altar but the thought of moving just doesn't seem to sit right with me. So I've been spending the time in bed. It's safe there. I'm so lonely. I just wish someone loved me. I don't think I've been in a relationship longer than a month, I could be wrong. But I just need to know I'm loved. I wish people would stop using me to fill up there time. I wish people realised that I felt too. I hurt too. I'm hurting.

Theme: Fine & Dandy The nurse that had a little paddy at me yesterday has returned back to usual. She's actually acknowledging me now. To be frank, I've got other thing's going on. My mum's had her date for her operation. Everything just fuck's all up at once, y'know?

Theme: Well that backfired Okay so the nurse that ignored me yesterday, I though fuck it, I'll confront her. Yeah, it went horribly wrong. I asked her what was wrong and she replied with "Oh no nothing, but I'm not happy you've told (name) that I went upstairs to sleep for three hours, because (name) has reported me to the boss." Yeah. Ooops. Luckily enough I was able to lube myself up quick enough to slither right out of the situation. Damn it. I was excited to stand up for myself for once.

Theme: Dafuq is yo problem? Okay so when I came out of work today, the bitchy nurse ignored me when I said hi to her. How fucking ignorant. I'm going to stand up for myself today and ask her what the problem is. I can't be doing with this bullshit anymore.

Theme: Work I was informed again today that people were saying nasty things about me. But the person won't tell me who or what and I hate that. As the last person that told me what people were saying, it was fine and I even agreed with it. But this time, I just don't know, it could be anyone and anything being said about me. No one is fucking safe in that work place. Why would grown women want to bitch about a twenty year old kid? From the outside the place seems so nice, staff are lovely and friendly. But really? There all cunts and I can't trust any of them. There not going to get shit from me. A hello and goodbye and that's it. I'm not going to ask how they are because to be honest I couldn't give a fuck. I go to work, be as nice as pie to everyone, give everyone equal amounts of my time and do what's asked of me. Well apparently that just isn't fucking enough.

Theme: Piercings! I spontaneously made a decision that I'd get a new piercing today. I was going to get a surface piercing on my tragus but the piercer convinced me to get a micro dermal due to scarring and rejection. My god did it hurt! I would say never again but I'm researching micro dermal as we speak to see what else I can get. I won't lie, I screamed. I also treated myself to a tongue web piercing. I had it done before and missed it so I thought why not, whilst I'm here. I never act on impulse donor was fun to be able to do that for once. Next pay check I want to get my smiley and frowney done.

Theme: Thank god for blogspot I'm feeling low today, surprise surprise. I got told yesterday that when I first came to work someone made a comment about my weight to someone. It was also said that I'd be useless there and this place wasn't for me. This was said on like my first week of being there, so I don't know who these people think they are, but they can fuck right off. It was Sian that told me about what was said. Chance's are they know nothing about me, because if they did they would know I'm very passionate about mental health and it's something I've always wanted to do. Granted I'm the bloody softy of the lot, but I get thing's done and thing's like incident's don't get to me. What more can these people possibly want? I'm trying so hard but sometime's your all just isn't fucking enough these days. I just feel low. I don't trust anyone there apart from Allison and Sian. These people know nothing about my

Theme: Backdating I'm back dating on something that I just don't remember. Nor do I care.

Theme: I'm sorry, but is this fox seriously wagging his tail?  I can't even ♥

Theme: Home It is nice to be home to be fair, my own comforts. My own bed. Space that I can actually walk in. I'm glad I went though like I said. It was a break well needed. You can't beat returning home though after a long time. Well, a few days isn't a long time, but same thing. I got to sleep coming home so I'm not to shattered. Doesn't stop me from climbing into bed now though, night!

Theme: Day Four Just get ready to go home tomorrow. We're not really doing much today, just chilling and having a Chinese, watching Holby City and that's that. Everywhere is closing now for the winter so there's not much more to do. Apart from feeling horrendously ill I've had a really good time and I will definitely return, but maybe in the summer? Thanks mum and dad for taking me!

Theme: Day Three I woke up feeling awful again. My and my parents we're going to go Grimsby but I ended up backing out because I felt so ill, I just had a hour or so on my bed and then I ended up going. I shouldn't have gone really because all we did was drive around for three hours looking at nothing. I think we got a little bit lost in all fairness. On the way back to where we we're stay we did go to a seal sanctuary though and there we're lots of different animals there. We got to see the seal's be fed and it was just so cute. I want a pet seal damn it.

Theme: Day Two I can't believe how ill I am. If I'm not drinking I'm urinating. I have so little energy it's a miracle I get out of bed. I managed to take a walk around the town today that's only 10 minutes away in the car but the trip was shortened as I had to come back to sleep (like I said, energy levels). My parents went back out and came back with a two litre bottle of lucozade. It's been four hours and I still haven't drank it which is bloody unusual for me. The thought of a fizzy drink just seems plain wrong and painful. I'm tired. Now I've slept though and woke up the place seems a lot bigger then it was. I've also brought some bloody brilliant headphones. I kind of get scared of earphones because they can cause more damage. So these headphones are bloody lush. Tomorrow we're off to Skegness and I am pilling the hell up because I refuse to be ill.

Theme: Holiday (Day One) After a three hour drive after my night shift were finally here! (Me, mum, dad, dog and hedgehog). The place seems tiny but liveable. We're literally across the road from the beach which is brilliant. I'm still ill but I'm trying my best to suck the bugger up. I'm excited to get out and look around :)

Theme: "I'm not ready for a relationship" Yeah. I knew it was bullshit the moment he said that. I've found the fucker on many dating websites with what looks like a very update login status. Wanker. Wanker. Wanker. He's not going to ruin my holiday. Hell to the no. I hope he drowns himself. So it's long and painful and very drawn out.

Theme: Ill/Holiday I'm going on holiday tomorrow which I'm excited about. I'm only going Mablethorpe (SP?) with the family. The only problem is, I'm really ill with this cold. But I also can't stop vomiting. I seem to be vomiting more than I'm actually eating. At least work has gone okay which is always a major plus. Some really lovely people on tonight.

Theme: Work Tomorrow I have work tomorrow that I'm actually kind of nervous about. I'm working with a nurse that I've never really worked with before. I see her often enough though and she is absolutely lovely. I just don't trust people. I can't.

Theme: I'm alright. I'm alright but things could be better. I'm just feeling really paranoid and I'm still so upset about Bryne just fucking off. He text me the other day, I told him to stick it. He just said he's been busy. It takes like five seconds to send a fucking text and that's the least he could have done. I just want someone to actually love me. Love me enough to stay with me. Maybe I'm not capable of love.

Theme: I'm okay . In okay. Just okay. Not mad not angry not anything. I'm trying hard not to think about Bryne and what I may have done to make him not want me in his life at all. It's weird going from one extreme to another. I ended up going on a shopping spree today to sort of try and forget about it all, I've brought lots of Christmas gifts for people at work and five GORGEOUS bras.

Theme: Oops Had a bit of a lay in. When I say lay in I mean 1pm. Oops. So you can imagine me running around this morning having to get my crap together to get ready for gym so my mum can take me. It was a good lay in to be fair. So no fucks given. Muahha.

Theme: As if As if I do anything on a Sunday. I would stop posting on a Sunday but that sort of defeats the object of blogging everyday, doesn't it? And I think I've been doing this for two years now? Maybe?

Theme: Nothingness Just doing what I usually do on a Saturday: chill. I plan to do the same tomorrow!

Theme: Ooh Friend Went up town with a work friend today. It was actually really fun, we just grabbed some food and went shopping. It was good but I'd rather have done it with my best friend, Shaun. I miss her. Bleurgh. It's been so long. Damn rota's and life taking over. We still talk on the phone obviously. But we need a good catch up.

Theme: Still Low I'm still feeling low and my mum can sense it as she's done everything in her power to keep me busy by taking me shopping. I love my mum, she's lovely. It sounds selfish but it won't help. I even feel awful typing it because she's trying. Ahhh!

Theme: Bryne. Me and Bryne are no more. The reason? Apparently it wasn't the right time to be in a relationship. The thing is, we had our first kiss today (bare in mind this is my first kiss in just under two years) and a few hours later is when I got the text saying we shouldn't be together, stating that we should just be friend's. However, Bryne changed his mind on that too. He doesn't want anything to do with me and has completely disappeared from my life. I'm so upset. I'm always being shut down. I hate it when people do the disappearing act on me. It happen's to me too much. Bryne has honestly left me just confused and hurt because he just won't give me the truth on why he's left, in fact, he's not even talking to me. So this is how my bloody dating history goes: Conner - Just fizzled out Jake - Left me for someone he found on the internet. Kelly - Left me because "she'll find someone better" Charlie - Cheated. -

Theme: Suicide Why is it every-time I'm on a night shift and when I hit the wall I start looking around the room wondering what thing's I could kill myself on? Not as an actual suicide attempt but to just sort of safety scan the room, so you can think up something and then you can remove it before the patient's try it. I'm such a weirdo on a night shift it's brilliant.

Theme: Nananana Nightshift! Just a usual night shift. Nothing new. Just chilling. Gossiping to the people I like. That's sort of it. No incident's as far as I'm aware. So all is peachy.

Theme: Anti-Depressants The thing's I'd give to go on anti-depressants. I hate knowing how much I need them, and knowing how beneficial they will be for me, and yet, not being able to access them, cheers mum. It's like the only way I can actually get help is if I just voluntarily admit myself to hospital or have an attempt at something. Which are both extreme. I just want some help. That's all. Everything is just so damn draining. When I get really bad I always end up doing these silly little quizzes to occupy my time. You know your in deep shit when you get a really high mark on one of the quizzes (results here ) Oh joy.

Theme: Sex I don't think I ever actually want it ever again. I just don't trust people enough to touch me. My memories of it are just horrendous and I've never actually had a "normal" time. They've always been completely heartbreaking in one way or another. Why would I put myself through all that crap again? Whenever I've done it in the past, the people I've done it with, either completely blanked me after or just generally got rid of me. What is it about me that me that makes people think it's acceptable to hurt me? I just can't get intimate with someone because I just know they will leave me. I don't have the energy to pick myself back up anymore. I don't want to be around myself. I'm scared. People have royally screwed me up over my lifetime and all I want to do is just run of and leave, start new but you can never run from yourself. I wonder if this was meant to happen, if this was meant to be my life's path. I would r

Theme: Battery Misuse So one of my patients swallowed the TV's remote batteries. So off down to A&E me and (let calls her Bilbo 'cos I'm watching LOTR) Bilbo went. I don't mind going hospital. I never mind going hospital. It was actually a pretty damn quick trip, we were there for less than three hours and in that time she had x-rays done and what the like. I didn't mind until I got back and she went bed. Then the sudden realisation hit me. The LOTR DVDs that I had prepared to watch the night before was now not watch-able. Why? Because I couldn't turn on the TV. Why? Because I need the remote to do so. But remote also need batteries. Fml. Anyway, after much prodding on the TV I am now curled up under a strawberry smelling blanket watching the first film. All is well, for now.

Theme: Supportive Staff I'm very grateful for the staff at where I work. They've really helped me with the whole care plan thing. They all sort of mother me, because I'm the youngest there. They are all such lovely people. I'm just dreading going into work tonight. My anxiety is sky high and I'm just terrified. I don't want to be on this girls observations, I don't want to just stand there. I'm being put on training (along with other members of staff here) on how to deal with this situation. Which will be more than helpful.

Theme: Heartless! I went into work today and went to hand over as usual. There was a new care plan for a patient. When she self harms (bangs her head, cuts herself, puts things in her eye) we aren't allowed to intervene. Just watch her do it. I fucking hate this patient. She's the bane of my work existence but to watch someone self harm in front of me and knowing I'm not doing anything to prevent it will just kill me. The reasons why they have put this care plan in place does make sense as far as personality disorders go and I do agree with it to a certain extent, especially after working with this patient. However, I'm going to find it so difficult just standing there like a muppet, when my natural instinct is to help, and care. I won't lie, it made me cry when I was told. I do struggle with the idea of not helping her. Although, not helping her, is actually helping her. It's her personality disorder, the attention she craves.

Theme: Work I want to moan about the fact that I've got work tomorrow night but that's all I ever seem to do. Moan about work. It's my dream job and I can't help but moan. I enjoy moaning. It's just having the shifts so long it's just so much, but I'm glad I'm not in everyday of the week. I'd go insane.